Preschool Learning

I have been worried about just what Bacon will be when he "has a man voice" as he says. I am just not sure that in preschool he can get the kind of skills that he will need to be say a CEO of a multi million dollar company. I am also pretty sure that because he is back to crapping his pants on a daily basis that he may not make it much farther than pooper scooper at our local zoo. (I mean after all you have to work in a field that you know about and who knows more about that than Bacon?) 

Then he came home this week with the most exciting news, they had learned how to make driver's licenses and fake id's. 

No, I am not kidding that is EXACTLY what he said. 

I am so glad that he will be prepared for when he has to do time up river. I also hear that next week they are learning how to can chili beans and stamp license plates. This is all the proof that I need that he is in fact on the right track to having a I heart MOM tattoo and wearing an orange jumpsuit with his prison number on it. 

I am fine with it, as long as he isn't any one's prison bitch. 

Swab The Deck

Remember when you were little and they always said "Don't put anything in you ear smaller than your elbow"? Well, I truly believed that since you couldn't put your elbow in your ear - unless you were some sort of circus freak with webbed feet and a duck mouth - that it was a bunch of hogwash. I am here today to tell you that it isn't hogwash and there is a really good reason that you shouldn't ever stick anything in your ear.

Cellulitis. Blood clots. Ruptured ear drums. 

While I only have the first two on that list, my father in law told me that he had the third one when he was 18, and had to have skin grafted to replace his ear drum covering. (I really am glad that he didn't explain where they grafted it from...although knowing that most grafts come from the butt, I bet that is where it came from.) I do have cellulitis again, and now a blood clot the size of a pinkie fingernail. 

It started out that the first doctor I saw said it was vertigo and swimmers ear. Which would be great if I had been swimming, much less had had any time to go swimming recently, but I took the medications and the ear drops and hoped it would improve. 

It didn't. It got much worse and bled more, and this morning I went to my regular doctor certain that I was going to die of some sort of rare ear tumor. Or that the dead earwig that I had found next to my bed was the reason for all of this and that, again, I was going to die. He did some tests to make sure that it wasn't swimmers ear, looked inside and found the clot, and the scratch and explained how cotton swabs can do this. 

He also assured me that I wasn't going to die. 

So, I am not going to be using cotton swabs for anything except blending makeup, or craft projects in the future. We already taught Bacon never to stick them anywhere, so thankfully he will be able to avoid this from happening to him. Be careful you guys...cotton swabs are dangerous, more dangerous than those stupid little Pixos that Santa left here at Christmas. 

Protests, Fish Poop, and Puking

This week has been CRAZED. One of those that at moments flies by so quickly you aren't sure just what is going on, then at other moments drags out so long you are pretty tempted to poke out both of your eyeballs with the nearest sharp object. 

I worked the first three days of the week at a trade show. I was the representative, and the people there were great. Aquaculturists, love our paper. They work in the water, so they know the value of it. If they hadn't seen it when I did show the how it worked, they were amazed and excited and a couple tried to kiss me like I was the one who invented it. 

While at the trade show there was of course a protest. PETA came around lunchtime and laid on the sidewalk to protest the conference. It was hysterical only because they came half naked and painted as MERMAIDS, and no one could figure out what they were protesting. Also the "protest" drew more old men taking pictures of the exposed painted green breasts than it did of people who supported them. If you are going to protest something - like fish farming - at least show up as a REAL CREATURE that pertains to the conference/trade show. Don't show up looking like some whack job on crack who is a performance artist or something, no one will know what you are really there for. 

Once finished with the show and back at the office it was apparent that I was not well...the office was spinning, it was all I could do to keep my eyes open and then the headache hit. I went home early. Upon waking up today I spent an hour puking, and then attempting to take something to stop it. Nothing worked, so I went back to bed and slept. And slept and slept and slept. 

Now I am upright and trying not to hallucinate from the lack of caffeine. I am hoping this passes quickly. So much for that stupid flu shot I got...it did nothing to prevent me from getting the flu after all.  

Craptastic Education

Bacon is a fiend for water. He loves nothing more than sitting in a bathtub until he is more shriveled up than a sun dried tomato. He will stay in a shower for no less than 40 minutes unless you bribe him with a trip through the Starbucks drive thru for milk in a paper cup. 

It comes as no surprise then that the quickest way to calm him down is to get him in a bath full of lavender scented bubbles. Last night after one of his record breaking meltdowns (he had not had a 30+ minute breakdown in sometime, so seeing one go on past the 40 minute mark made me grab my shrimp fork and start to poke my ear drums out) I decided that since laughing at him didn't work,  yelling back the same things didn't work, whispering didn't work and unfortunately that Dog Whisper trick of ts'sting him quiet failed it was bath time. 

I got him in the bath tub and his flailing and snotting and screaming stopped cold turkey. Then he started "making me dinner" with the bubbles. 

"Momma, here's some buffalo chicken." 

"Yummy...oh, no! TOO SPICY!!" 

"Okay, here's some chicken feet with the blood." (As if adding with the blood would gross me out or something.) 

"Delicious! You should really make that for Nana next time you see her, she would really like the BLOOD."

"Okay, now here's your 'sert," he said handing me a giant mound of bubbles. 

"Ooh, what is it?" 

"Buffalo horns. They are low in fat and high in FIBER. You need FIBER to help you poop." 

"MMMMMM....Crunchy and delicious."

He continued to make me various other "normal" things before he got out of the bath, I am still perplexed where he learned about FIBER, and why he felt compelled to tell me about the importance of it in the bath. I am also wondering why he thinks that you eat the horns of the buffalo, everyone knows you eat the meat. It makes FANTASTIC burgers, and steaks. (That is if you don't puke them up whole from the flu or something while on vacation! But of course I don't know anything about that.) 

The Letter Game

My friend Annie assigned me the letter B. (On account of Bacon being so stinking cute, and her Ben quickly following in his foul mouthed footsteps.)

Here are 10 things that I like that start with B:

Bacon - It is the salty protein packed goodness that got me through my pregnancy with Bacon. It is also the reason I gained about 50 pounds. SO WORTH IT.

Blogging - It is cheaper than therapy, and I have made a lot of good friends because of it. 

Bermuda - It is sunny, and warm and not rainy or snowy. I would like to live there forever. 

Botox - Who cares if it is a disease? It makes you look PRETTY AND WITTY AND GAY! It also makes your headaches go away for at least 6 months. 

Boobies - I like them. The bigger the better. Maybe I was a boy in a previous life. 

The Bacon Salt Boys - They should be knighted or sainted or have a shrine made for them. 

Booze - Need I say more? 

Boots - The higher the heel the better. (Well except on Friday, when I wear my Uggs)

Bottled Hair Color - Does she or doesn't she?

Baths - QUIET baths with the door locked and no screaming child. 

Want to play? Let me know and I will draw you a letter out of my magic coffee cup. We'll see what you can come up with. 

Things I Big Puffy Heart

Right now I am in love with a few things and thought I would share them with you. Here they are in no particular order:

- The Strawberry/Blueberry Yogurt Parfait at Starbucks

- Kashi Go Lean Crunch (Is it just me or does it taste like CANDY)

- Dr. Bernie Seigel's CD Meditations for Morning and Evening. (Don't download it from iTunes, just buy it and upload it. Trust me on this.) He sounds like Mr. Rogers and makes me relax into my special floaty place in about 4 minutes. He is magic, and if I ever see him in person I will probably lick him. 

- That Bacon called Crazy Aunt Ethel and asked he with a straight face if someone was a "BIG FAT SKUNK BAG" She said yes. 

- That Bacon has apparently joined a nudist colony without my permission. Our home is now one of their hangouts. 

- That I still need to blog about that letter that my bloggy buddy Annie gave me...and only remember it when blogging. 

- That Coop brought in his baby son to work today and baby puked on everything and cried, which reminded me why I do not want to join in the baby fest and gestate another human being ever again. 

- Asparagus are back in the grocer. 

Life is good. 

The Price of Public Education

We start kindergarten registration in a week or two. The thing is that in order to get Bacon into a routine that will mimic that of the rest of his time in school we are going to have to put him in the full day program. The downside to that is the cost. The fact that you have to pay out of pocket, for them to participate. 

$275 a month to be exact, plus a NON-Refundable $250 deposit. 

What happened to the days of half day kindergarten? What is this every other day and the second and fourth Friday of the month crap? When did this start and WHO thought that 5 year olds would benefit from this? 

The positive thing is that this is MUCH CHEAPER than daycare, and he will be in a structured learning environment where he LOVES to be. He will be able to be better prepared for the first grade, and he should over all be a happy camper that he gets to go to school every day. 

I will be sad that I have to write such a hugh check to the school every month. I will be sad that there isn't another option for him to get a better education, at the school he is established at. I will be sad that I have to pay that much and he still will have about 4 days a month home from school for "Teacher Education" and other such nonsense. 

Laughing Until It Hurts

Taking a 4 year old to the movie can be fun. Especially if it is a campy Nickelodeon movie about dogs. Taking said 4 year old home, however turns into a virtual stand up comedy hour when it is a full moon, and the child had a dinner of Junior Mints and Popcorn. 

He was mad that we couldn't go to Target. No he was beyond mad, he was froth at the mouth scream like a maniac mad. He screamed that Mr. Tantrum was not his daddy and to get his hands off of him. He screamed that "it wasn't fair" that we were "mean" for making him go home. Once he was safely buckled in his seat he began thrashing like a greased pig, and threatening to rip apart the seat belt. 

He also kept screaming that he wasn't going to buy, he was just going to look. Only he said look all drawn out and sort of howled it. Which sent both Mr. Tantrum and I into hysterics. The kind of hysterics that make your stomach hurt and tears stream down your face. The kind of hysterics that apparently make your 4 year old start screaming in that pitch that is just an octave below what only dogs can hear, but shatters all of the windows out in your SUV and your ear drums. 

It was a great ride home...all 20 minutes of it. Which apparently proved to be a good workout because my stomach hurts so much today from all of the laughter that I can hardly see straight. Anyone who comes out with that workout DVD will be a millionaire. Because I will spend all of my money with them.  

Realistic Insanity

I love being busy. In fact it is probably what keeps me from completely going insane most of the time. However, this year is proving to be one of those years where I am quickly learning that I just need to learn to fly by the seat of my pants. 

That is not something that a rigid schedule oriented Capricorn can adjust to overnight, and with a job, a family business and a family it makes that even harder. 

I am learning, and adjusting though - maybe a bit begrudgingly at times. 

After all life is a learning process, and when you stop learning you may as well die. (Or you know something like that.) 

I am still making time to exercise, and meditate everyday in the hope that it will help me relax. The exercise is helping me to sleep, and the meditation is LOVELY - apart from the shouty lady at the end that ruins it, here's a tip, don't download any so called meditation audio books on iTunes. It appears they are all made available by something called audible dot com, and they are so proud of this that they are compelled to shout it both at the beginning and end of the audio book. (No there is nothing you can do about it. I checked with both companies and all my nerdy tech friends. Well you can buy the cd's and then download those to the computer and upload those to the iPod.) 

I am still anxious, and nervous and unable to focus on things. I am not sure what to do about it. I have cut back on the caffeine, and am eating well...do I need more medication? What do I do? Am I losing my mind? Or will this pass with time? I hate this. The feeling of being absolutely crazed, and at the same time doing what I am supposed to do to be healthy and rested. 

Maybe I just need a little vacation...like a month or so stay in a padded room where they give you your special medicine in the pudding. 

I Ripped My Pants

I ripped my pants at work today. First thing in the morning the haphazardly sewn together brand new thigh seam of my pants burst out just enough so that my fat thigh peeked out at everyone and screamed "HELLO INAPPROPRIATE!" It was LOVELY. 

That should have been the warning shot. 

My beloved co worker just recently found out that she is very newly pregnant (small miracles DO happen!) and our well meaning co workers decided to shower her with diapers and such. She was overwhelmed, and while thankful, a little peeved. (I can't say I blame her when she is still near puking in the trash can all day.) Plus, I forgot the hormonal roller coaster too that goes along with being pregnant....riding that with her for the next 7 months could very well kill us both. 

Plus, what with my one thigh getting cold and screaming and waving wildly at everyone all day I was totally off kilter. Had BOTH thighs been exposed and screaming it would have been okay. I could have totally acted like NOTHING was wrong, but in this case what do you do? 

Staple the seam together and pray that you don't stab yourself with a staple and get Botulism? (I am all for Botox, just not in my thighs.) Tape them with scotch tape? I couldn't glue them as Nana Tantrum had suggested, since we only have glue sticks at work and those aren't very reliable. 

Tomorrow I think I will go in with some snacks...kind of like puppy treats but for pregnant vegetarian ladies, high in protein and Prozac...heck those would be good for any lady! And take a couple flasks with me. Or just duct tape my mouth shut and pray to God that I don't get any important phone calls.