Feminine Protection

I had to shop for "feminine hygiene" items the other day. Usually I would just have Mr. Tantrum pick up a GIANT box at the local warehouse that would last until the next millennium, but this time I just needed a little box so I thought I would pick it up at Target. 

The aisle was massive. Not only do they make WAY TOO MANY kinds of each type of product, they make a new alarming product. Pantyliners for thong underwear! 

Seriously, when you are a woman and on your period do you really feel like wearing a thong? Do you feel like "Hey, I want to be sexy, but I don't want to use a tampon. Let's use this giant massive diaper like brick and wedge it up my ass along with my underpants."? Plus, with a panty liner they have this super sticky backing that sticks to EVERYTHING, the minute that stuff touches your butt crack you have given yourself an unintentional Brazilian wax! (Maybe that is good if you're into that sort of thing.) 

After I got the vomit out of my mouth and off my shirt I was able to make my purchase and get the heck out of dodge. But I have been left wondering, waiting....why? Why make a maxi pad that goes up your butt crack? What is the purpose? Anyone?

Bow Chick a Bow Wow

Shopping for a birthday card for a 5 year old girl should be fun. It should be EASY. With a 4 year old boy choosing it should be so easy in fact that it should take no more than 4 minutes tops. 

Unless of course Bacon is that 4 year old boy. Then it will take eleventy billion minutes, an hour of embarrassment in front of little old ladies, and a snort or two from that fat dude in aisle 3 looking at candles. 

We had picked out the gift, the card and the bag already, that was really no problem. It was the fact that the birthday cards for 4 and 5 year olds are directly across from the singing cards that was a problem. The fact that the singing cards were made for LOVERS was even WORSE. Then the fact that every frigging one had some cute little critter on it to catch Bacon's attention was causing a brain hemorrhage to my already damaged cerebrum. 

Every card he picked up had some sort of humping animal on it was FUNNY, but he was INSISTENT that this was the card...no wait! THIS ONE! No....I was ready to kill someone. Then the card that caused him to bang his head on the floor and scream in dismay was the one with two humping lady bugs that played "lets get it on!" This of course was a kicking, FULL ON SCREAMING, snot flying, spit sailing, hissing like a cat in heat, tantrum. DELIGHTFUL. 

I could not however let my little Casanova give his older woman this card for her birthday...so we bought the giant Sponge Bob one so he would STFU already. 

My brain still hurts at the thought of the whole event. 

Banana Monkey Taco Hat

I had my procedure yesterday to fix my "lady business" finally. It was not fantastically enjoyable, but I was well drugged, and made it through without any problems. 

I came home wolfed down an obscene amount of pizza, and fell asleep. 

I woke up this morning feeling stoned out of my mind, and totally uncomfortable and like I could barf. I called in sick, drank some water and fell back into bed. Where I was able to sleep for 13 seconds before Bacon climbed in bed and started yelling for food. Of course Mr. Tantrum wanted to sleep longer and kept acting like an ass...so I had to get up and feed Bacon. 

What is it about men that makes them think that because you are home and standing upright that you are able to monitor a child? Why is it that when you stay home because you are too sick to go to work they assume that heck, she can watch the kid while she is sick? Because seriously today was not the day for that to happen. I was not even in the kind of shape to tell you what the weather outside was like, let alone keep tabs on a 4 1/2 year old who eats like the entire football team. 

Tonight I am better, I will be able to go to work tomorrow. Which I am sure is of some relief to Bacon, who when he asked me for some milk earlier I replied, "Banana Monkey Taco Hat." He was not only confused, he hasn't asked me for anything else since....maybe that is a trick I should remember.

Friends in LOW Places

I have a couple of great friends in the "Land Down Under." The kind that a girl would hop in a kayak and paddle for 42 days to go and see. 

The kind that when she reads a blog post that might be a little sad, she sends off an email and wishes that she had a phone number instead and could properly calculate the time difference to call and say "Hey, I'm thinking of you. Are you doing okay?" 

The kind that when something is going great she laughs until she pees her underpants. 

One of these friends sent me a package that was full of LOVELY things not too long ago. Visitors brochures with notes on what to expect (like the place where you can walk and get dive bombed by magpies, which the tourism people rudely left out) and what to see and do. She also made sure to let me know what stories I should ask the locals about, and to let them know that I knew the people involved. 

She also sent me a great picture of her and peanut running in the rain with umbrellas! Of course Nana Tantrum was HORRIFIED when she saw the picture because they had raincoats, and umbrellas but NO SHOES ON! What kind of mother does that? Um...one who lives in a country where it hardly ever rains and is usually 200 bazillion degrees on any given day?

My favorite is a Hessian Sack Cloth that has a list of all of the important places on it: Rome, Paris, London, Queensland, Athens. I use it to carry my things to work in, and to tote home groceries from the market. It saves me .10¢ each time I use it too! It is huge and lovely, and everyone asks me where I got it...I tell them it came from my famous friend from Australia. They are jealous, and then offer to pay me for it. 

I was also warned by one of the husbands of my friends for "INCITING OTHERS TO EXCESSIVELY USE THE INTERNET" and that if I don't post a warning soon that reads "THIS BLOG CONTAINS CONTENT THAT HAS BEEN KNOWN TO CAUSE SIDE SPLITTING MERRIMENT" I will be forced to eat Vegemite by the spoonful out of the jar! So someone please make me a button....so I don't have to eat the rancid crap anytime soon!

I sent off a package to both of them...full of American rubbish that is sure to please them both, and entertain a bit. I only wish that I could have delivered it in person, that would have been so much more fun! 

I am so thankful for friends like these, I just hope that soon we can all play together for real in person. That we can enjoy some "Lamb on the Barbie" and not get into too much trouble...or at least not so much trouble that anyone is banned from ever going back to that beautiful country!

Pig Sty

Bacon and Mr. T have been cleaning up his room...Mr. T keeps going on about how it is a pig sty. 

Bacon yells, "SHUT UP!! I like my room pig style!"

Baby Bug

I have been very open about my decision to never again have another child burst forth from my loins. Not only am I not good at being pregnant, my body is not so great at it either, which makes the ENTIRE 40 weeks of pregnancy less like rainbows and sunshine and more like something akin to "Night of the Living Dead." 

Lately though, be it my ticking biological clock or large number of pregnant friends, I am feeling that urge to have a baby. A REALLY FREAKING STRONG URGE. 

So strong in fact that last night I was dreaming about this lovely potential little bundle only to awake to my current bundle sitting on my face farting while yelling "Wake up mom!" "Smell it. Smell it...own it!" It was then that I quickly snapped out of my delusional baby wanting state, and realized that I have all the children I need right here in my stinky house. 

Sick

I have been battling being sick for a while now - not the nausea sick that my good friend Givyna de Elba is battling because of Thingamababy - but it is enough to make a grown man cry. It started with an ear infection and a sinus infection that turned into of course cellulitis. That of course meant TWO rounds of hefty antibiotics, and pain meds that did nothing. It also meant a face that was so swollen people weren't sure if they should laugh or cry when they saw me. 

The thing is that with being sick like this you get sick of it. Nothing makes it better and you do nothing but feel more and more tired. Plus no matter what you do, you can't seem to make yourself feel better. 

I'm ready to stab the next doctor I see if he can't give me a straight answer as to what is going on. 

Especially since all of my blood work comes back fine, the scans come up with nothing, yet there are globs of green pus and goo oozing out my ears and nose. 

So I am about ready to cut out everything that isn't a natural food and start from square one. Sure it will suck, sure it will be time consuming and hard to stick to, but if I can finally not feel sick or tired and stay awake past 5pm...it will be worth the work. 

Little Things

I spent the day sorting out spreadsheets. That makes my eyes cross and my head tingle. (Oh, wait just being awake makes that happen!) It was a good day though, and LOTS of work was done, and no holes were ripped in my underpants. 

I was thinking about how bitter I have been feeling lately, and realized that I have a lot to be thankful for. Even just silly little things, and I need to take the time to be thankful for that more and quit being so grumpy. 

Today I am thankful for:

- Not really being cross eyed. 

- That Bacon is so excited to see me when he gets off the school bus that he forgets his backpack. 

- The freeze dried strawberries in the Red Berry Special K

- Smooshy wet kisses from Bacon when he is telling me goodbye. 

- The new ice machine with the round ice balls in the lunchroom. 

- Coffee Mate Tiramasu flavored non dairy creamer. 

- Good friends, great readers, and the good life. 

Signs You Should Have Stayed in Bed

Here are some signs that you should have stayed in bed:

- You slept through the alarm not once but twice, and this is not something that you EVER do. 

- You get to work and no one notices that you are an hour and 15 minutes late.

- The pile of work that you cleared off your desk yesterday is twice as high today. 

- The first call you get is from some guy that is talking so wildly and fast he is pretty much waving red flags in front of you for why he shouldn't be able to carry your product. 

- You start getting calls from the girls downstairs asking about your handwriting on a post it. 

- You get more than one notice about a mistake that you made. Two are little, one is HUGE. The HUGE one makes you want to cry and run from the building. 

- Your head hurts so bad you can't speak clearly and your boss thinks you're having a stroke. 

- You forget to take a lunch. 

- You go to the bathroom and rip a giant hole in your underpants with your diamond wedding ring. 

Brain Damage

Driving home from work on Friday I got a frantic phone call from Mr. Tantrum, Bacon's teacher had called him and I needed to pick him up from school. 

Apparently while at recess, Bacon had been pushed into a brick wall and banged his head. He was checked out by the school nurse who cleared him to come home and sent him back to class. She also then called the HOUSE and left a message on our voicemail. 

Thankfully since Bacon refused to ride the bus, his teacher called Mr. T and asked if we could come get him, which I promptly did. Irate however, that the nurse didn't call Mr. T or me, at work or on our cell phones after not being able to get a hold of us on the house phone. I stopped in the office to - again - update the contact information with the secretary and was adamant that she make Mr. T's cell phone the main contact. 

"Well we typically have mom as the contact because we see more mom's than dad's," she said snidely. 

"I work from 6 am to 3 pm and don't always have my cell phone on, so unless you want to be chasing me down at 4 different numbers, making my HUSBAND the main contact on his cell phone, that is on 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year is the best idea for EVERYONE."

"Oh, okay," she said with that tone.

"Not all moms have the luxury of not working."

Then I went to get Bacon from the classroom, irate that the secretary would insinuate that I was some kind of crap ass mom for having to work. Also infuriated that they already had ALL OF OUR CONTACT numbers, but only called the house. 

When I got to the classroom, Bacon was sitting on the soft chair quiet with ice on his head. He of course got hysterical when he saw me, as anyone does when they are scared/hurt/traumatized. I thanked his teacher and brought him home. 

I watched him like a hawk for all of the concussion symptoms, and was CERTAIN that something would happen if I didn't keep him up. He was fine, and with a little Coldstone ice cream he improved. 

However, on Saturday morning it was clear that something was not right, and he had done some major damage to the SCREAM-YOUR-BLOODY-HEAD-OFF-FOR-NO-GOOD-REASON region of the frontal lobe of his brain. Unfortunately, the only cure for this kind of frontal lobe damage is copious amounts of whiskey in Momma's coffee for days and perhaps weeks on end. Even Mr. Tantrum, who does not drink alcohol has to partake in this therapy for Bacon to recover fully, and the recovery could take 6-8 weeks.  

In that time we both plan of fully flogging the nurse, and her stupid report of 'no serious' damage. As well as the choice to leave a message here at the house, and then at Mr. Tantrum's work an hour later, after Bacon had been picked up from school! Well, we could flog her or just send Bacon to her house for a few hours and see how she handles it next time!

Mass Confusion

It has been a crazy bumpy week at work. I have been on my own to make decisions and take orders and do other things, that normally I have three other people to help me with or teach me to do. (I have been there for three months, so while I know what I am doing, I don't even remotely know everything there is to know about it.) Add the lack of staff and knowledge with the with silence of a half empty office, a horrible stint of insomnia, and mercury in retrograde, and you get a hot tranny mess just waiting to happen. 

Which is probably why this week turned into a major headache. Calls about needing things - then calls about getting the wrong things, more calls about other things, and pile after pile of things that had to get done and corrected (pricing that I already sent them 14 times) before it could leave. 

Of course a couple of those things that seemed to be your normal run of the mill 'by the book' type turned into absolutely not that, leaving me feeling deflated and totally self conscious. Because I am convinced that I am a total failure and everything I do is absolute crap. 

I will spend the weekend stewing and worrying about it, and go to work on Monday to be greeted by emails saying 'next time do this' which I will remember and put in my file. 

I know that everyone makes mistakes, and I know that I make them, heck I am more than happy to LEARN from them...I just wish I didn't feel like crap when I made them! 

Hey

Hi! I am not dead...at least I don't think I am. 

It has been a busy week here at the Tantrum house, Bacon and the Mr. have been at work and playing like crazy men, and I have been at work trying not to rip my hair out due to lack of sleep and my boss and the gal I work side by side with ripping their hair out at the biggest trade show of the year! 

At least it keeps me on my toes and out of the bingo parlors. It does however make me slump over in a big weeping pile of blubbering flubber when I get home at night and am unable to even change the channel on the television. 

I am not joking when I tell you that we have subsisted on cold hot dogs, cottage cheese, m&m's, some old cookies, water and some REALLY bad infomercials all week. Thankfully I slept a FULL AND COMPLETE 9 hours last night and feel like a new woman today. (That could change when I get home, I know, but still the magic of the rest!)

So to celebrate, we are having homemade hamburgers and frozen tater tots for dinner. 

Because I am all kinds of klassy.

Can't Sleep

I can't seem to sleep lately. 

Last night I dreamt that I was trying to fall asleep in my bed. That was probably the freakiest dream ever and meant that I woke up confused and exhausted. 

I drank a boatload of water, ate some cereal and drank some coffee and chugged through the day. 

Tonight I was CERTAIN that I would fall asleep in an instant...but here it is 11:30 pm and I have to be up at 5am and am still wide awake. 

I guess I will be mainlining coffee all day tomorrow, you know just so that I can kind of sort of appear coherent to my clients on the phone. 

Or maybe I should just go back to eating junk food and feeling tired all of the time...just to get a little tiny bit of sleep at night. 

I am Marilyn

I stole this quiz from my friend Annie. I am a bit frightened that it is SO EXACTLY RIGHT ON. I love though that I am labeled as a hot one like Marilyn! What an honor....even if it does mean I am neurotic!

You are a Marilyn -- "I am affectionate and skeptical."

Marilyns are responsible, trustworthy, and value loyalty to family, friends, groups, and causes. Their personalities range broadly from reserved and timid to outspoken and confrontative.

How to Get Along with Me

• * Be direct and clear


• * Listen to me carefully


• * Don't judge me for my anxiety


• * Work things through with me


• * Reassure me that everything is OK between us


• * Laugh and make jokes with me


• * Gently push me toward new experiences


• * Try not to overreact to my overreacting.

What I Like About Being a Marilyn

• * being committed and faithful to family and friends


• * being responsible and hardworking


• * being compassionate toward others


• * having intellect and wit


• * being a nonconformist


• * confronting danger bravely


• * being direct and assertive

What's Hard About Being a Marilyn

• * the constant push and pull involved in trying to make up my mind


• * procrastinating because of fear of failure; having little confidence in myself


• * fearing being abandoned or taken advantage of


• * exhausting myself by worrying and scanning for danger


• * wishing I had a rule book at work so I could do everything right


• * being too critical of myself when I haven't lived up to my expectations

Marilyns as Children Often

• * are friendly, likable, and dependable, and/or sarcastic, bossy, and stubborn


• * are anxious and hypervigilant; anticipate danger


• * form a team of "us against them" with a best friend or parent


• * look to groups or authorities to protect them and/or question authority and rebel


• * are neglected or abused, come from unpredictable or alcoholic families, and/or take on the fearfulness of an overly anxious parent

Marilyns as Parents

• * are often loving, nurturing, and have a strong sense of duty


• * are sometimes reluctant to give their children independence


• * worry more than most that their children will get hurt


• * sometimes have trouble saying no and setting boundaries

Take Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz at HelloQuizzy

Out of the Mouths of Babes

I stumbled across a list of things that my niece nephew and Bacon had yelled back and forth to each other when we were together this summer. It had me laughing so hard that I forgot about our horrible weather and everything else. It also made me miss the fun times that we have with them, and a little sad that we are about 3 hours away from them!

Miss Thing is 5...she is just exactly 6 months older than Bacon. 

The Muffin Man is 3 1/2 he looks just like my little brother did and is the sweetest little thing ever. He is a charmer and mischievous, and I adore both of them like they were mine. 

- Bacon says to Miss Thing 'Ride me down the schlide' Which she does, by sitting on his back while he slides down on his stomach. 

- Miss Thing shouts to Bacon 'YOU ARE HUNGRY! EAT DINNER NOW!' (Never mind she is 5 and as big as a matchstick because she doesn't eat a thing.)

- Miss Thing is running away from a bee. She runs straight to my arms, heart beating wildly. 'Nantie, put your hand on my chest. My heart is scared! That bee made it scared and is making my knees shake.'

Now I know that none of these are that funny, perhaps a bit entertaining, but not 'crap your pants' hysterical. My 3 year old nephew The Muffin Man, however, covered that this particular day with the following sayings.

- He spit on Miss Thing, then realized we all saw him and said 'Bad! Caw-Caw! Bad!' while still spitting.

- To Papa 'Get out of my way BITCH STICK*!'

- While playing on the schlide 'I am being Jolly Roger! LEAVE ME ALONE!'

- Then because it was August and hotter than the hubs of hell, I had a tank top on, he sat on my lap and pointed to his chest. 'Nantie! I have little boobies...but you...you have GIANT boobies!'

*A Bitch Stick is a fancy long cigarette holder. Used mostly by high class and powerful women to give an air of bitchyness, and to prevent the smearing of lipstick.

It's the End of the World: Also Known As RAINPOCALYPSE

Yes, this is another post about the horrible weather. 

Yes, I am going to bitch. 

You can close the window if you like....

We had snow just a short time ago that PARALYZED the northwest, because "OH NOES! SNOW!" But it was annoying, and cold and just the totally wrong time of the year. It went on its merry little way and we thought we were in the clear, we thought wrong. 

The Pineapple Express (this is an actual weather event, and not a horrible Jack Black movie) rolled in from Hawaii and brought with it warm rain. A WHOLE BUTT LOAD OF WARM RAIN. (Okay, the weathermen said "It's going to seem like a fire hose has been turned on the state." ALL OF THEM SAID THAT. ON ALL THE STATIONS. Like they took it out of the Great Big Book Of Stupid Stuff to Say About The Weather, and all landed on the same page.) It has rained over 4 inches here at my house alone in the last 24 hours. 

Which means everything is now flooded. Like evacuation flooding. Giant metal dumpsters rolling down the raging flooded rivers flooded. 

Get your ass the hell out of dodge flooded. 

It makes me tired. Tired because there is NO OTHER NEWS IN THE ENTIRE WORLD. Tired because you cannot drive anywhere faster then 2 miles per hour...because of course that tiny little puddle could be a hidden sink hole. Tired because OMG! Can't we please just have some NORMAL rain, that is neither heavy or warm? Maybe just a little misty and irritating. Or maybe no rain or precipitation at all of a while? Just you know grey skies and average January temperatures. 

I am not sure that the Hanes and Fruit of the Loom people are going to be able to keep up with the demand for new underwear that all of this freaky weather is causing here. If you aren't shitting your pants because your house has collapsed from the weight of the snow/flooded/slid away in a mud slide they are most certainly all in a knot because of the MESS that has been made. Everyone is going to be needing new panties soon!

Kicking Neurotic Up A Notch

Mr. Tantrum has been very "helpful" lately by telling me all about the goings on in the world, and the neighborhood. Usually this is just stuff like "Some lady in England took a poop and out came a baby elephant." Or "I talked to Bob today and he and Mary bought a 75 foot Yacht to sail around the world in, they are dumb." 

This week his tidbits are not so much helpful as enough to make me more panic stricken and neurotic than usual. 

Apparently our good friends down the street (um 3 doors down the street) were greeted by someone tapping on their re-lite (that is a tiny glass window by the front door) with something metal at about 3am. Bob immediately grabbed his shotgun and was going to greet the SOB at the front door, but Mary turned on the light and scared them away. The police said that the crime rate in the neighborhood has increased over the past year 150% and this was not the first attempted break in...

Not something I wanted to hear or know. 

I started looking for the butcher knife that I slept with under my pillow when Mr. Tantrum and I were first married and he moved to Washington while I was still in Oregon getting things settled before I joined him. (I forgot that Mr. Tantrum got rid of it when he found out that I was sleeping with a knife.)  I realized too that it probably isn't a good idea to sleep with a knife, EVER. 

Then Mr. Tantrum told me about the 4 year old little boy who was found wandering alone at a rest stop 70 miles from his home. This boy informed the people that found him that STRANGERS had burst into his house shot his mommy, took things from the house that weren't theirs, and drove him there and left him. The good thing was that the little boy was ALIVE AND SAFE, and that he was smart enough to be able to tell them his phone number, address, and name as well as both of his parents names. The horrific thing was that he saw his mother MURDERED in front of him. 

I started looking for a plastic bubble big enough to put Bacon in. 

I also started wondering what kind of disservice I was doing by not making sure that he knows our address and phone number. He is almost 5, BUT with Asperger's I worry that he will babble off that info to the wrong freak of the week and they will follow us home and steal my garden gnomes. (Although this is the child that is TERRIFIED of talking to Santa, or anyone for that matter that he doesn't really know.)

I am also now worried at EVERY SOUND and CREAK that I hear at night, CERTAIN that someone is trying to get in and GET US. 

Maybe I need more medication, or maybe I need to just plug my ears and sing "Connect The Dots, La La La" when Mr. Tantrum starts talking about anything. The world is scary...I know that, I get that, you don't need to REMIND me of it. It makes me freakier than normal, and more neurotic than normal, and YOU KNOW THAT. 

Maybe if I wrap him in bubble wrap tonight to "protect" him he'll understand that he needs to lay off the bad news. 

SNOWPOCALYPSE 2?

The weather people here in Seattle are working overtime these days. Most of them I am sure have the biggest hard ons of their lives, seeing that the snow/ice/high wind events that we have had over the last 5 weeks have been of the "Not seen in 40 years" variety. 

The fact of the matter is that there are three types of weather here in Seattle: Rainy, chance of Rain, and Drizzly. If you cannot differentiate between these three you are not from Seattle. If you need an umbrella for any of these, you are not from Seattle. 

They are predicting ANOTHER storm, but since it is the first full week of the new year they have dubbed it "THE FIRST STORM OF 2009" with the infliction and connotation of it being something akin to "The Day the Earth Stood Still" or WORSE. 

Seeing how bad the past few weeks have been, I am stocked up on all of the essentials like milk and bread and eggs and have more than enough layers to make any member of Nirvana proud. (But not because I look grungy, only because I have MASTERED their trademarked layered look so elegantly.) It is that whole, prepare for the worst and expect that nothing major will happen. 

Although I seriously have begun to wonder if God took a vacation and left some sort of geography flunky in his place. You know the kind of flunky that thinks that WA and WI are close enough that they should have the exact same kind of weather....

Either that or he too is so annoyed by Al Gore's global warming screeching he thought he would show him some "warming" and is laughing maniacally while the rest of us freeze our asses off! 

Happy New Year

Happy 2009 you crazy kids! I hope you all stayed awake long enough to watch the clock/calendar/ball drop to see it change to 2009. I also hope that no one is too hung over to enjoy today. 

I was asleep by 9pm. Not because of any wild partying. But because of the bitch that 2008 was she wanted to be SURE to leave me with a migraine to beat all migraines to end the year just right. I took a couple of pills and was out like a light. 

My head is still killing me today, and not softly or with a song...I think we may be making a trip to the ER soon for a couple of injections of some nice little opiates to make it stop. 

I am having surgery on the 27th to make the "issues" with my lady bits stop. She was kind enough to agree the enough was enough, and that was also the SOONEST that they can do it. Fortunately it is a day in office procedure, and I will be like new in a couple of days. I am really looking forward to that. 

I am also looking forward to the new year and working on being nicer, and less pessimistic. (Stop that laughing! I am serious here!) I am looking forward to watching Bacon learn more amazing things...did I tell you that he is writing his name, and small sentences? Yes, sometimes they look a little funny, but HE IS WRITING DISCERNIBLE letters, all by himself! It is amazing! 

I hope you have a great new year. And I will be around to see you all just as soon as the stabbing throbbing pain in my head goes away....if it ever does. Which I am certain it will....just as soon as that nice handsome doctor at the ER gives me a shot of Demerol in my butt cheek!