Happy ChristmaHanaKwanzBirthdayKa

The time between Thanksgiving and New Years is perhaps the busiest and most distracting for me of any time of the 365 that make up a year. Between the annual Holiday Train Ride, baking cookies, gift making/buying, celebrating, cleaning and now hiding gifts I am lucky I don't lose my mind. 

Of course during this time, I have my birthday, and inevitably for one reason or another need some sort of anxiety medication change. Which makes me a huge ball of psychotic homicidal goo, that can at any moment lose her shit, and switch from a lovely sarcastic mom to an axe murder. This year is of course proving to be no different. 

They have determined that more than likely my preferred 'happy pill' is making my lady parts fail, and I will need to switch to something else. Seeing that my lady parts have been failing since JUNE I have no choice but to switch now. (Besides, I don't want to wait until the first of the year and have to pay the deductible to see him, when we know we can do it NOW.) 

Fortunately this year, we are only doing gifts for the little kids. Which means a lot less frantic shopping, and a lot more time to think about enjoying the time with family at the holiday. Not that I don't enjoy shopping for my family, because I LOVE nothing more that finding the perfect gift and giving it to them. But this year, it will be nice to enjoy the time we have to chat over some ham, and pie, and coffee. It will be nice to not have the stress piled on while my hormones and neurotransmitters are all whacked out.

It will be nice for it to all fly by, and to be properly depressed when it is over like usual. 

Although, I am not quite sure what it would be like to have it any other way. 

Not Your Average Granny

Nana and Papa Tantrum headed back to their house today after eating way too much turkey and  pie with us. Bacon was sad that they had to go. He sat on the couch with his head in his hands and moaned for about 4.2 minutes after we waved goodbye to them before rushing off to play again. 

He entertained them with his addition skills, and showed them how to make a proper toast sandwich. He also entertained them by responding to just about every question I asked him with "fart----" simultaneously embarrassing the crap out of me and collapsing two grandparents into a fit of giggles. 

It was a great weekend, lots of fun and of course way too much food. I miss this the most being 250 miles away from our families. Weekend dinners, long afternoons of all the cousins playing together wrecking Nana's house. I guess this just means that we will have to enjoy the times that we do have together with Nana and Papa while we have them, watching Nana rock her socks off playing Guitar Hero on the WII. While Papa throws his rotator cuff our being the symphony maestro with the WII music. 

They may be Bacon's Nana and Papa, but they are nothing like I remember grandparents being when I was a kid! 

Giving Thanks

I am so happy that we had Nana and Papa Tantrum here with us this year for Thanksgiving. I am glad that our 19 pound turkey turned out marvelously and that we have more than enough leftovers for a month. I am even glad that the stuffing sucked, because Papa bought the wrong bread cubes, and that the rolls I made turned out badly, because they will be made into proper stuffing today! 

I am thankful that we have family that loves us, jobs that we love, a child that we adore. I am glad that we have a roof over our heads, and clothes to keep us warm. 

I am thankful that I have a huge network of friends all over the world that read my insane antics and laugh along with me, and that I can laugh and cry along with them on their journey's as well. Even though a few of them are a 42 day kayak trip away, they are never more than a second away in my heart. 

I think that I need to give thanks for all of the good things in my life every day. It makes me more centered, and more reasonable. I think it would also make all of those silly little moments of insanity that I have more often than not melt away into oblivion if I practiced this more than one day a year.

So go and make every day Thanksgiving day! Maybe just not with a 19 pound turkey for 4 people, that just gives you a stomach ache and enough leftovers to literally eat for the next 4 weeks! 

Balls

While making a gingerbread train you will need: 

Pre-baked gingerbread.

Royal Icing. 

Candy of all kinds.

Gum Balls. 

When you inquire about said gum balls don't be surprised when your 4 year old whips down his pants and yells "I'VE GOT YOUR GUM BALLS RIGHT HERE!" 

Just make sure that you have something that you can immediately bury your face in and pretend to sob into. Because I am pretty sure that laughing at that isn't the kind of thing that will win you Parent of the Year. 

Recipes

I love eggnog. In fact once Halloween time hits, I start frothing at the mouth for the day that Starbucks offers the first eggnog latte of the year. However I do not love that it makes my ass spread faster than a tapeworm in a first grade classroom. 

I did find a recipe however in the allergist's office copy of WebMd's magazine. It didn't sound hard, or complicated or disgusting. So I made some this morning and steamed it for my latte. It was FANTASTIC. 

It only has 64 calories in a serving and a 1/2 a gram of fat! 

So here is the recipe if you too would like to enjoy eggnog this holiday and not end up with an ass the size of a hippo before New Year's! 

Eggnog - Lite

1 1/2 Cups of Skim Milk

1/2 Cup of FAT FREE Half and Half

1/2 Cup of Pasteurized Egg Substitute

1 teaspoon vanilla

1 or 2 packets of Splenda

Nutmeg

Combine all ingredients in a bowl or blender and stir well to combine. Keep refrigerated until ready to use. (I made enough for two or three days of lattes!) 

*With the pasteurized egg substitute you shouldn't have to worry about potential salmonella etc, but of course I am not a doctor, so always check before giving it to kids, really old people, or really sick people. 

**I used one packet of the Splenda with fiber, because it only called for one packet. It really could have used two to have the right sweetness level. (And I do not have a sweet tooth, so I am assuming that you can adjust this as necessary.) You also don't have to use Splenda, use whatever sugar substitute you like! 

Breakdown

Tonight 24 is on for a 2 hour "flashsomething" to make up for the time that was missed last year because of the writer's strike/Keifer being in jail. Mr. T is frothing at the mouth with a boner the size of the equator in anticipation. I on the other hand could give a rats ass, as I quickly lost interest after buying him a couple of seasons on DVD and he did nothing but stay up around the clock for weeks on end watching it. 

Also with Bacon totally out of sorts for some unknown reason I am feeling the anxiety/guilt/stress that all mothers feel when their kid is on the fast road to what seems like a mental breakdown. I half wonder if it is because he has been off of his melatonin since July, and as a result hasn't been sleeping as long or as soundly as his little body needs to. So we will be back on the nightly dosage to get him in a routine so that his body can get back to normal and the outbursts can hopefully stop.

In the meantime Mr. T can obsess over 24, I can fret about our child not acting as "normal" as he can. (Let's face it, he has Asperger's. How normal can he act?) And the world will continue to spin on its axis like always. If I have to do it with a little extra xanax this month...well at least I will remain calm and in control. 

Older....

You know you're getting older when....

- You are so excited about getting the 19 pound holiday turkey for $4 that you call everyone you know and then blog about it. 

- You go to bed at 9pm on the weekend. 

- You get up at 6am on the weekend and are ready to hit the ground running. 

- Your idea of a "Hot Date" is the matinee showing of Madagascar 2 and the "Early Bird Special"

- Kids that work at Starbucks say "Thank you Ma'am" when you come in, and you no longer have the strength to kick their ass. 

- You have hairs growing out of your neck, and you are not a man. 

- The gift card that you were given for grocery store X doesn't work, you immediately get on the phone and call their customer service center. Then when the customer service agent is a doucheasauraus you file a complaint with the Better Business Bureau.

- When your kid comes home on the school bus asleep three days in a row you start wondering if maybe you should call "Dateline" to inspect if he is being poisoned by carbon monoxide.

 

Okay, so maybe these are not signs in fact that I am getting old, but that I am in fact certifiable and should be taking more medication. Maybe they are also signs that I should get out of the house more, and have some fun. Either way I still feel like I won the Nobel Peace Prize over scoring that Turkey for $4. 

Worst Week Ever

You know how one of those channels that used to be a MUSIC channel has a show called "Best Week Ever"?

Well that so doesn't describe this week. 

Work has been insane with customers screaming "I can't buy oh the ECONOMY is FAILING" and then not making goals, and trying to find MORE CUSTOMERS, and everyone pretty much being off their rocker makes for interesting days. 

Not to mention the wicked awesome head cold I have that requires heavy doses of cold meds to function! 

Bacon is finally better, but tired. Which I am worried about. He also fell, split his lip and gave himself a goose egg today. Which Mr. T thought was OKAY to text message me about. 

"HELLO? HAVEYOULOSTYOURDAMNMINDMAN?" Don't text Momma that the child has been injured. EVER.

I am picking up a six pack of wine tomorrow BEFORE work. Not to drink it at work, but for a gift (just one bottle is a gift) the other 5 I have determined I am pretty much going to need to make it through the rest of 2008 without losing what is left of my damn mind!

We Still Don't Know Edition

My doctor called this evening to let me know that all my blood tests came back normal. One was a bit low, but they will re-take that one in a few weeks to see if there is any real reason to worry. Which still means they don't know what the hell is wrong with me. 

I don't do good with the whole "not knowing" thing. I need a reason that x is happening. I need the equation solved so that I can move on with the solution and get along with my life. That isn't happening this time, we don't know why x is happening, so you're pretty much on your own and um, yeah, call us if you have any more problems. 

I have been having the same problem since JUNE. It hasn't gotten any better, and in fact despite diet and exercise improvements it has gotten worse. Of course Dr. Google is no help at all as usual he has just instilled his usual "Panic and chaos" where you constantly think all of your symptoms equal a tapeworm that has thyroid cancer. 

So onward we travel, lady bit problems and all...convinced that the tapeworm in our stomach has horrific thyroid cancer, until someone else tells us something different. 

Cha Cha Cha

Bacon is sick again with diarrhea. Which I had thought that he was over, he had the rotavirus from hell last week and was home from school every day. He finally got better and was able to go back on Friday. This was perfect timing because my lady bits were failing and I was passing out at the drop of a hat. 

On Saturday morning though, I was unpleasantly surprised with great big globs of the orange runny poo and a screaming toddler. As I got him stripped down and prepared to get in the shower, the stench of his own poo made him puke. So he was covered in poo and puke hysterically screaming that he was "going to die!" It was all I could do to not collapse in a fit of laughter on the floor. 

He continued throughout the day to crap his pants despite the bananas, applesauce, rice and toast diet. So I went to the store and picked up some children's Imodium. This of course resulted in a 45 minute screaming/swearing match between him and Mr. T over why it couldn't be taken and Mr. T started putting toys in a black plastic bag. (Like a 4 year old would do anything but completely lose their shit at that point. Which he did, and poured the green Imodium all over my crappy family room carpet.) 

Later in the evening I took an adult tablet and crushed it into some water, much like my grandma did when we were little and had to take aspirin. Of course he said that this tasted like ear wax and he couldn't drink it. 45 minutes later, after Mr. T had gotten dressed and we were getting ready to take him to the ER he drank it. 

Seriously, could this be more difficult? Who throws up at the smell of their own poop? I have had diarrhea many a time in my life, and never once has it made me puke. And what is up with the "it tastes like ear wax" statement?

How much longer do I "let it run its course" before I shoot myself? I hate running to the doctor to have them tell me that it is indeed a rotavirus and there is nothing they can do unless he becomes dehydrated. 

This wouldn't be so taxing I am sure if I didn't feel like I was dying right now either. Waiting for blood work to come back to tell me if I have some freaky blood disorder on top of that is just freaking fantastic. I think this is much like what purgatory is like. Everything that can go wrong will, and you can't make any of it better. You just have to ride the shit wave until it stops, or until your family says enough "Hail Mary's" to get you the heck out of here!

Reason's I Shouldn't Be Allowed To Watch TV

I had to go to the doctor today and have my lady bits inspected because they are faulty. Of course then because they have been faulty for quite some time now and there is no rational explanation for it, my doctor decided that some more testing should be done. 

I have no problem with the testing, I would love more than anything to have this resolved and be done with the whole "issue" at hand. I just wish that it didn't so much mean that I had to carry the lab slip downstairs, or overhear the conversation that my doctor and her nurse had. 

Not because it was bad, but because I am a raging lunatic fan of Dr. Google, and I watch too much House. 

(House is a show featuring Hugh Laurie as a brilliant but ass wipey like doctor that has to solve complex medical cases, each more bizarre than the last. It is brilliant and disturbing, I adore it.) 

So when they said "Von Wildebrand" like 15 times in their discussion I was certain I was going to die on my way to the lab. 

I am not going to die, in fact it isn't all that rare if I DO have it, and with a little more medical intervention I should be fine. 

But I pretty much think I should stop watching TV. I mean next thing you know I will see a palm tree or a Polar Bear and think that I am going to be stranded on a deserted magical uncharted desert isle. 

Christmas List

Bacon has been in the mode of "I WANT IT!" since August. In an effort to put the kibosh on all of the maniacal screaming I instituted the "Let's put it on your Christmas list" rule, which meant when he saw something he wanted, we put it on a list. 

Right now that list looks like the contents of the now defunct FAO Schwartz. Squished somewhere between the plush "life like" dinosaur is a couple of hooker like puppies and some shake and race cars. I realized that no matter what we watch on TV he wants it. 

Billy Maes screaming about KABOOM! He wants it on the list. 

That RON CO guy...he has to "SET IT, AND FORGET IT!"

It is ridiculous. 

Or I thought it had reached the epitome of it when he asked for the pet nail trimmer. 

Today it did when he asked me to add a home mortgage to his Christmas list. 

Like anyone wants another one of those. 

Full Moon

The full moon doesn't hit until Thursday the 13th here in the US. (No, this is not some lame attempt at astrological readings.) However, this week has been WEIRD. Clients at work are out of sorts, all of my co workers and myself are a mix between goofy and drunken toddlers. We keep trying to blame it all on the economy, or post election haze, but THE ENTIRE WORLD cannot be acting like this all because of an election. 

I did sleep last night which was a HUGE help, but by the time I left the office this afternoon the thermostat was again reading 74 degrees, but it felt closer to the "Hotter Than The Hubs of Hell" setting we have all come to know and loathe. I guess if it isn't rectified soon we can all at least relish in the fact that we are getting PAID to work in a sauna, which is all kinds of awesome, because that means rather than putting on weight this winter we will all be stick thin and majorly dehydrated!

Oh, and because of the full moon Bacon has taken to accusing everyone of saying the "F" word. There is nothing quite as disconcerting as sitting at dinner and having him scold you for saying "F&*K" when you never said it. (Okay, maybe him spanking you and refusing to stop until you say you like IS MORE DISCONCERTING.) Not because of the "punishment" but because whenever he accuses you of swearing he will then utter that swear word. 

"Daddy you said F*&K! F*&K is a BAD WORD! I am going to spank you now."

Seriously, annoying and irritating in a week like this...

The rest of the time I am sure I would find it incredibly hysterical. 

Sleep is a Five Letter Word

I haven't been getting much sleep lately. What with that 5 am wake up call, and going to bed before the boys, there is usually some sort of interruption in the middle of the night that wakes me up for at least an hour or so. 

Normally when I was not working this wasn't a problem. I could just sleep in until 8am and be good to go. 

Now it is a HUGE PROBLEM, and last night was one of the worst ones I can remember. 

Bacon has been sick with a chest cold like no other. Any medication that I give him lasts until exactly 2 am. No matter what the formulation or the dosage. He will start hacking up his left lung promptly at 1:59 and stop somewhere around 5:30. He also refuses to take anything for it when it is dark out - I am not sure if it is the delirium from the sleep or just being a PITA - so the hacking commences all night long, like some sort of horrible Lionel Richie ballad gone wrong. 

Then last night Mr. Tantrum commenced with the Yeti mating calls and could not be jabbed stabbed shoved out of bed aroused to roll over. So the two alternated between hacking and snoring while I frantically attempted to not jab my eardrums out with the nearest sharp object. 

It was a long night, and I had hoped that today would be easy. Happy customers and all. No such luck. Everyone was out of sorts and discombobulated, I am quite certain that they too could hear the hacking and snoring and were kept awake until all hours. Once we all get a nap things should be better. If not someone is getting one of those godforsaken sleep masks to wear to bed every night for Thanksgiving. 

For OGG

My friend Amy and her husband reminded me how much fun it is to call people a certain um, bad name. Which we quite often shorten to D Bag. Since I left them in the airport in Seattle before they went home to Minnesota, I have called many an ass hat, a D Bag. 

Today I found them the perfect gift for their favorite D Bags. 

I think that the website I found it on is going to be more popular than cake wrecks. Only because it is way wreckier. 

HOT

It was unusually hot at work today. Like 76 degrees on the thermostat hot. Which would be fine had this been a normal November day that was cold and blustery, of course it is not a normal day, it is a 67 degree smack dab in the middle of a Pineapple Express day. 

Humidity + Heat + Change in Medication + Mrs. Tantrum talking on the phone = DISASTER

With sweat dripping down my chest from under my boobs, and drinking copious amounts of ice water and never peeing, I got down to making calls to customers. 

"Hi John! Can I send you some marketing materials along with your order today?"

"That would be great! What do you have?"

"Well, I would recommend a banner, and definitely a counter. Would you like me to send you a counter?"

"WOW! YOU GUYS SEND COUNTERS? I need to order more product from you!"

"Oh, no! I can't talk today because of the heat... I can send you a counter if you want, but I was really thinking maybe a counter top display would be better."

"That's what I thought...it is Friday after all, and I think that no one should have to work on Friday afternoon."

Oh, man if only he would tell my boss that...I would make a lot less stupid comments about sending people counters because I am dehydrated and withering away. 

Handy Tips For You Edition 1200

Here are some handy tips for you, per usual they are just things that I have gathered through various observations. 

- If you have a cupboard full of travel coffee mugs and you are thinking of getting rid of ALL OF THEM. Don't. Someday you will return to work and need them. Thus making it necessary to buy more. Thus feeding into your sick obsession with travel mugs all over again. 

- If you are going to have children, learn to swear in a foreign language. This would have proven invaluable for me as I have something of a horrible sewer like mouth. Now every time an expletive slips out of my mouth in the presence of Bacon I get yelled at, spanked and then asked if I liked the spanking. If I answer that I didn't like it, he will continue spanking me and yelling like some sort or twisted dominatrix on steroids. 

- When your doctor changes your medication dosages up or down, make sure that the first couple of days you are at home and not in the middle of a HUMONGOUS project with spread sheets, addresses, and discounts. This change in medication WILL MAKE YOU LOOPY. It will make your co workers ask if you were drinking at lunch, and it will make your boss think you are a dip shit. 

- Don't quickly slip on a pair of your favorite jeans and then run downstairs to greet friends. Make sure that these jeans - even though they aren't that old or tight - will indeed hold up to bending and twisting and such. Otherwise you may end up showing your friends your backside through your newly shredded rear of the jeans the first time you bend over to pick up a goldfish cracker off the carpet. 

Have a great Friday, and if you have Handy Tips you would like to add, please email them to me, or add them in the comments! 

Everything In Its Place

I have a friend who keeps all of her 10 million beauty products crammed in the drawers and cupboards in the bathroom. This friend was in a hurry when she was cleaning a few weeks ago and put the creme hair remover in the same drawer as her hair care products. 

Today that friend (while getting ready for work at the butt crack of dawn) learned the hard stinging burn the hair off the back of your neck way why this is a really bad idea. She also learned why she needs to get on redesigning those containers to look more like something horrible than a fancy hair product. I feel bad for her and her bald spot. 

Dinners...

I have been slacking in the whole "making dinner" department since I went back to the full time work outside the home thing. I want to stop that. I think that Mr. T will appreciate not having to eat cereal or chili dogs every night when he comes home from work. 

Also, my mom was able to make from scratch meals every night with two children and work full time, so I too should be able to do this. Especially since I can cook, and I have a crock pot!

So, here is the menu:

- Rolled Roast, Mashed Potatoes, Gravy, Green Beans

- French Dips (using left over meat from roast), french fries, salad  (2)

- Shepard's Pie (I am using Alton Brown's recipe from the www.foodtv.com) using the leftover mashed potatoes, salad

- Homemade minestrone soup, ciabatta rolls

- Spaghetti pie, salad, french bread (This is always good for 2 meals and lunch!)

- Velveeta Casserole Challenge Meal! Melanie's Meat Lover's Pizza Casserole, green salad, and garlic bread. (This is probably going to be good for a couple of dinners too!) 

- Teryaki Chicken, steamed rice, steamed veggies

- Grilled Mahi Mahi, salad, leftover rice

So there are about 12 meals. I am starting tonight with the roast, mashers and I even made a Pumpkin Pie with all of those veggies that I pureed last year. I still can't make a crust to save my life, so I used one of the Marie Calender's ones that you can get in the freezer section they are awesome, and great to keep on hand. Especially if you ever have someone come over and say something like "MAKE A PIE OR I WILL KILL YOU!" You can whip up a pie in no time that is FABULOUS and you will not die. 

Unless it is Martha, and then hopefully before she shoots you she'll at least show you how to make a crust in the food processor. I have tried 10,000 times and still it comes out like glue. I think she would just have to shoot me. If she does put on my tombstone "She Failed at making Pie Crust So Martha Shot Her." Everyone will think I was killed in some wild west shoot out kind of thing!

Happy Halloweiner

              

Amy Winehouse showed up drunk and disorderly, and this Transformer® could barely be bothered for a photo. He had trick or treating to do!