iPod

Dear iPod, 

I hate you. I hate you more than anything in the whole wide world right now. I hate that when I try to update you you always lose your shit and dump everything. I hate that now when I drive my car I am forced to listen to all of the crappy radio stations and there hours and hours of commercials. 

I hate that my FIL when helping me set up my lovely new Mac somehow thought it would be a GREAT idea to store all of my music on my TIME CAPSULE. I hate that we can't remember how to get in it, and more than likely Bacon ate the paper with the password written on it. 

I want my CD'S back. Hell at this point I would take an 8-track tape. ANYTHING that does not require a constant software update, or other nonsense. Seriously how much do you need to play me some "Rehab" or "F&*k Me Pumps"? Now I won't be the cool mom bumping in her SUV to Big Punisher. I will be the lame mom in her SUV listening to talk radio.

Sincerely, 

Mrs. Tantrum

Dressing For Success

I had a meeting today, and IMPORTANT meeting. I wore a pantsuit. The meeting was so important to me that when I was putting gas in my car and I realized I had forgotten that I had left my lip gloss at home, I came back home to put it on. IT WAS THAT IMPORTANT TO ME. 

I was shocked at this meeting that the people there were not dressed in at least a business casual manner. It wasn't even a corporate casual manner. It was more of a casual Friday I just rolled out of bed kind of dress. Even if I hadn't come home to get my lip gloss I still would have been overdressed. 

Am I neurotic crazy for thinking that this just might be part of the reason that our country is in a financial crisis? That because no one cares enough to press a pair of pants and put on a nice blouse, other countries and other financial markets have come to realize that we truly are a bunch of stupid Americans. I sort of am starting to wonder myself, I and I am in no way a stupid American. 

Stupidest Husband Trick Of All

On Friday I had an allergic reaction to my allergy shots. (I know, imagine that, having things you are allergic to injected into your body and your body shutting down. This was my 14th dose though, so I didn't expect it.) They promptly dosed me up with Epinephrine and some strong antihistamines and monitored me for an hour before sending me home. 

Once I got Bacon to school I ate (and then puked) and slept until I had to get him from school. Then we came home and I fell asleep again. Apparently that whole shock to the system thing is wicked hard on your body, and you can do nothing but sleep. 

When Mr. Tantrum came home with food and we had eaten (don't worry I didn't puke this time) I got settled in bed. After the boys had taken their bath Mr. T thought he would show us something called "penis origami." 

If you aren't familiar with this horrible theatrical spectacular it came out of Australia from two guys who now tour the WORLD showing everyone how to make things with their jangly bits for $75 for an hour and a half. (I don't know about any of you, but 5 minutes is too long to look at anybody's jangly bits. And if I have to watch a man contort his parts for an hour and a half they better be paying me a whole lot more than $75.) 

Mr. T had seen these freaks of nature guys who are never getting any anytime soon "performers" on HBO, he thought they were hilarious and decided to share. I was so stoned I really forgot to scold him for doing it in front of our 4 year old child. 

Fast forward to yesterday afternoon, I am on the phone with a colleague talking about promotional materials for the apron business. Bacon comes screaming into the room half naked yelling "LOOK MOMMA! I CAN MAKE MY WIENER INTO A CHINA LIKE YOURS!" 

I almost dropped the phone. My colleague asked what he was taking about, and I quickly recovered with, "He is making countries out of his hot dog. He insists on calling them wieners. Today he has made China!" I finished my call and scolded Bacon for his outburst. 

"But daddy did it." He protested. 

"Yes, sweetie, I know that daddy did it. Daddy was not very smart to do that. It was not safe, or a good idea, it could hurt his penis." 

"Oh, NO MOMMA! Then how would he pee in the potty?" 

"I don't know baby, but it wouldn't be pretty."

"No it wouldn't. I am going to spank his butt if he does it again." 

Lesson learned. No more allergic reactions for me, no more unsupervised time for Bacon with Daddy. Because Daddy while OLDER than me is unable to not teach him things that CPS will come over and investigate us for.  Maybe I need to hire 2 nannies, 1 for Bacon and one for Mr. T that can keep him in line. Or maybe I just need the Super Nanny to come over for a couple weeks and make him weep like a little girl. 

*China is what Bacon calls a vagina. I have no idea why he cannot pronounce this or milk correctly. The child can say the longest words in the human language fine, but simple ones like milk and hobby come out all kinds of screwed up. 

Tuning Out

I will be very BUSY the next few days sewing aprons for the Eleven Moms of Wal-Mart, for an event they are doing with Campbell's Soup. That's right, Momma's Tantrum Aprons got a BIG ORDER! Now with a tight deadline I will be working fast a furiously to get them all finished and looking BEAUTIFUL. 

If I am not here to post, it is because I am sewing, or I have chopped of my finger by accident, or I have tuned everything out. 

I am supposed to tune out Mr. Tantrum a certain person who shall remain nameless, because he isn't positive that I can do this. (Ha ha, don't go telling a Capricorn WOMAN that she can't do something.) But since I was born without the 'tuning out' gene everyone and everything may get tuned out as well. 

So yell and kick and scream at me if I am gone too long. I will check in and make sure you are all okay, especially if I lose a finger...I mean that will make great blog fodder not to mention hard typing!

Shutting My Mouth

There are times when things go down within a large extended family that leave me scratching my head and DYING to put in my two cents. This week, some mighty big things have gone down in the Tantrum clan. (All of course by email, which are all left to the reader for interpretation, and can lead to hurt feelings.) Upon reading it I sit here with Mr. Tantrum and we are a juxtaposition of giggles and mouths agape catching the last of the summer flies,  not quite certain what to make of it all. 

"Really, you should say something," he insists. 

"I am not touching that with a 400 foot pole,"I reply.

"Seriously?!? You don't want to say SOMETHING? Are you sick?" He replies as feels my forehead for a temperature.

"Oh, I have plenty I WANT to say, I just don't want to make this a bigger deal than it needs to be." 

"You are so smart."

"I know. That's why you married me."

"No, I married you because you have such a hot ass." 

Letter to the Editor

I love politics. (No this is not a rant about the raging battle for President of the United States.) I always have loved watching two candidates argue the facts and prove their points. I especially have loved watching one of my dearest friends in the world run for mayor of his small town win.

Usually he wins without incident, or drama. This year's race is getting so hysterical I peed my pants. 

His opponent has started trying to run a smear campaign. I am not upset about it so much as entertained by the fact that the man cannot spell, (apparently he hasn't heard of spell checker) and has no grasp of the English language or proper grammar. All things that if I remember correctly, you learn before you graduate from high school...probably even before you finish grade school. 

I am all for stating your opinion, I am also for trying to state what you think are the facts, but if you can't spell any of those things correctly you probably need to purchase a computer newer than 1984. Make sure that when you start your smear campaign (because your opponent isn't able to answer your stupid questions about why there is no toilet paper at the bus stop) that your opponent isn't on bereavement leave because his mother just died.

Somehow or another I am now on the campaign committee from afar. I am  checking documents before they go in to the editor, making sure that all rebuttal and facts are double checked, and since I am a state away and live in a LARGE metropolitan area I cannot be accused of not knowing about "Big City" things. 

He's just going to be sorry that he messed with us. He's going to be even more sorry when he opens his mail in a few days and gets that "Letter to the Editor" cut out of the paper and all marked up with red pen. Although I bet he'll be clueless as to what any of it means.

Poop Cake

So Mr. Tantrum did not get a poop cake. He got 2 ice cream cakes from the guys at work...which is more than enough cake for anyone. I did search widely on the WORLD WIDE WEB looking for poop cakes though, and was DISGUSTED at what I found. *SHUDDER* just thinking about it now makes me throw up in my mouth a little. 

Instead we had pizza with our friend and drank. Yes, we drank alcohol. Even Mr. Tantrum drank an alcoholic beverage. (The man WHO hasn't had a drink since he was 17, had a DRINK! Please contain yourselves people, this may be a sign of the Apocalypse!) He drank a Bloody Mary with half a shot of vodka in it. He of course SWEARS that he was drunk, and has a horrible hangover today, but he said it with the same face that he makes when he is lying, so I can't be sure if he is telling the truth or not.

It was fun, and up until Bacon started spanking everyone and scolding them for saying "bad words." (Which can be ASSume, ASSumption, ASk, Shhhh....you get the annoying idea.) 

He then upon spanking everyone asked "Does that feel good?" He became IRATE when we answered, "No, it hurts." Screaming maniacally, "It's supposed to feel GOOD!!" And left the room shaking his fist like an old man hell bent on destruction.

Where does a 4 year old learn THAT? Just what kind of television shows teach children about spanking feeling good? Seriously someone needs a talking to! 

Maybe I need to sign up for a refresher course on spanking your child, because apparently I don't have the skills to make it painful enough!

Happy Birthday Mr. Tantrum

Today Mr. Tantrum turns 34. He is the OLDest of 5. He is also OLDer than me. He likes to pretend like he is about 5 years old, but it never really works out they well for him, with his arthritic knees and back. 

He is a great husband, and an even better father. 

So tonight when he gets home from work we will have pizza (his favorite kind, pepperoni and black olive, made from scratch) and then we will go get ice cream. Usually Coldstone®, which he will get sweet cream with strawberries. He is nothing if not predictable. 

Then he will be greeted by a beautifully decorated poop cake that Bacon and I are working on. Because as you all know, in this house poop is hysterical, and gross out cakes are our new favorite thing to make! I just hope that we can eat it even though it looks like poop! 

Powerful Beauty

Today I am over at Bionic Beauty talking about Powerful Beauty. Jami is doing a whole series on this, and it is great to read every one's opinions on the subject. Jami also has great, giveaways, tips, and new to market makeup brands. She is a wealth of knowledge and wisdom in the field, so once you are done reading my take on Powerful Beauty, be sure to hang out and check out the rest of the website as well! 

Just Have A Little Faith

I have a lot of friends who have the most fantastic relationship with God. I am envious of that relationship that they have, not because I am not religious or I am some sort of  devil worshipper, but because I have had a hard time finding a church that felt like home. 

I was raised Catholic, and I loved going to mass and Sunday school. I loved going to Vacation Bible School, and playing Mary every Christmas Eve in the Christmas pageant. I loved learning how to make the host from whole wheat from Brother Eugene when we took our First Communion. I even at one point really felt as if I was called by God to be a nun. 

Somewhere along the way though, I sort of fell out of line with the church's beliefs of all that was "RIGHT" and what would condemn one to a life of hell. (When you are Catholic pretty much ANYTHING bad can send you to hell.) The conflict of what I felt that God really wanted, and what was politically right according to the church were hard to balance in my heart. 

The guilt that I also feel and pile on myself are also hard. I am an over achiever, and want to do the best that I can all the time. If I am not doing that, I feel like an utter failure. 

Everyone always says, "Just have a little faith, everything will turn out okay." 

For most people that isn't a big deal, they just believe, and they know that it will be okay. For me it is a little harder, my name is FAITH so having a little just isn't as easy. I KNOW that it should be easy, I should be able to open my heart, and believe and it will come true. Somehow though that guilt and doubt always creep in and the faith never comes. 

Today though I had an epiphany of sorts, I need to let the universe lead me where it will, I need to have FAITH that the signs that are shouting at me to head in a certain direction are the correct way to go. I need to have FAITH that despite that stupid nagging voice in my head wants to say that I am not good enough, smart enough and that people don't like me, that the opposite is true. 

From now on I am ignoring that stupid voice, I have also taken some big steps to make some big changes. I can do big things. GREAT THINGS. I have FAITH that I can do them all. 

I am good enough, I am smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!*

*From the Al Franken Saturday Night Live character Stuart Smalley

Dr. Evil

Mr. Tantrum has a deep love for Pink Floyd. I have learned to live with this over the years, much as he has learned to live with my mad passionate love for GEORGE! (Although I do not forcibly make him listen to GEORGE! all the time.) Pink Floyd puts me in a comatose state, and irritates me. Probably because it is 70's music and meant for pot smoking long haired hippies, and I just don't understand that shit. 

Not that Mr. T is a long haired pot smoking hippie, but his dad WANTED to be one so he grew up on that crappy music. In fact he was named after the lead singer of the Moody Blues. For real. He is named after Justin Hayward. (Which is ironic, because my middle name is in honor of Marie Osmond. Making us some kind of horribly mismatched music mates.) 

What was I talking about? Oh, yes, Pink Floyd! So the other night I had Bacon in the tub and Mr. T cranked up some Pink Floyd as loud as he could. 

"What is with Daddy and this crappy music?" I asked. 

"It's because he's EVIL that he makes us listen to it." He said.

I collapsed in a pile giggling. 

"What is going on in here?" Mr. T asked. 

"Daddy, your EVIL!" Bacon shouted at him. 

"What? Why?"

"Because you keep making us listen to this crappy music. You can only listen to quiet music in the bathtub." 

Mr. T is CONVINCED that I taught Bacon to say that he is EVIL. I didn't, I haven't been on the top of my game lately so the wit or follow through to even THINK something that great just couldn't happen. 

In the meantime, if Mr. T does something that Bacon doesn't like, he gets the "Your EVIL daddy!" shout. Then I giggle uncontrollably while pretending to cough up a lung. 

Ranting like a lunatic

Something cool is coming...no Mr. T it is NOT A JOB, so just "GET A HORBEE ALREADY!"*

Today we toured a "preschool" it is a national chain. (We are doing this BEFORE I get a job so that we are prepared withe somewhere for him to go when I do finally get one.) The facility that we toured is close to home and clean, and the staff was friendly. They have a nice curriculum, but the thing that bothers me is that we have to pay for full time (when I get a job) even though he would only be there part time (the price isn't that unreasonable, but still seems outrageous for three days a week of part time care). The other thing that bugs me is that they call it preschool, when in fact it is glorified day care. 

The only reason that Bacon is in preschool is because of his Asperger's. If he didn't have Asperger's he would be at home reading books when he wants and coloring when he wants and riding his bike and playing covered in Cheetos and apple juice residue.

Before anyone has a heart attack over this, please listen to why I feel this way. He is 4 years and 5 months old, he is still a little kid. He doesn't need to recite the names of every president or state, or the alphabet, or his address. (Although he does know, the alphabet, the state that he and every relative lives in, his right from left, the correct name of EVERY body part, and pretty much everything else he has ever been told.) This is not a result of sitting him down and drilling things into his head, it is a result of learning as we go "What's that?" kind of approach to things. It works really well for us, and he has the rest of his life to study and be crammed full of educational type knowledge. 

Why not just let him play and discover? (Of course he can do that with learning toys, but why spend so MUCH time now trying to make little professors out of our kids?) Maybe I don't have the right perspective. Maybe I am a bad mother, I really don't care right now, because when it does come time for him to hit the books and study, you better believe I will be all about learning. But right now, I want him to be a kid and play and imagine. 

Do you want anything different for your little ones? 

*"Get a horbee" is Bacon's interpretation of my over-use of the phrase "get a hobby" for people who annoy, irritate or otherwise piss me off. I thought it was better than a swear word. Which it is...hearing him say it wrong is too funny to try to correct!

Failure

I have been job searching for the last three weeks. Sending out resumes, filling out job applications, and even doing a couple of phone interviews, and one real in person interview. I still have no job. However Mr. Tantrum seems bothered by this. REALLY BOTHERED. 

I have reminded him repeatedly that hiring for the rest of the world does not work like it does at the shop, where as long as you have a pulse and can write your name you get hired. There are things like reference checks, and other things to be done. 

Still he calls up to seventy billion times a day to ask if I have a job. (Because surely I would get hired somewhere and NOT call him to tell him.) So now not only do I feel like a GIANT FAILURE because I haven't been hired, I feel like a GIANT ANNOYED FAILURE with a husband who will not lay off the fact that I have not been hired yet. 

Any suggestions anyone? I mean just short of selling my crappy kidneys I am not sure what to do. 

Sunday Madness

It is Sunday, and that means that Bacon has spent much of the day questioning why he cannot go to school today. Explaining anything to a 4 year old is as impossible as getting a vegetarian to eat a 1/4 pound fair burger. I have given up trying, and spend a lot of time suggesting other things...which usually does not work. 

Bacon is also suddenly obsessed with being five. Now if you will remember, just a few short months ago this is the same child that was INSISTENT to the point of hysterics that he was 64. Now he is FOUR and cannot wait to be FIVE. Why five? Well let me share with you some of the reasons that he thinks it will be so great to be five. 

- He will get to go to kindergarten and play on the big recess toys. 

- He will get to have his birthday party at Round table Pizza® 

- He will get to go to Karate.

- He can stay home alone.

- He can drink crack in a can® (Known to the public as Mt. Dew) 

- He can get his driver's license and buy a Mustang.

- He can spend the night at Nana's and make pie.

- He can kiss girls.

I am terrified at all of these. The fact that he has come up with these all on his OWN is even scarier. I had assumed that the whole kindergarten thing would be enough for him, but no, apparently kissing girls, making pie with Nana and drinking crack in a can are all JUST AS EXCITING. 

It is a really really long time until he turns 5, I wonder if at some point the excitement will pass, or if I am doomed to 7 more months of "Can we put this on my birthday list?" "Can I invite the Pope to my birthday party?" "Can we have hippos at my birthday party when I am FIVE?" 

Yes, it is entertaining, not as entertaining as when Sonny Ma-Jimmy told everyone his birthday was in FOURTEEN MINUTES away mind you. But certainly up there enough that I know that Givinya De Elba and I will soon be at Crazy Sister's Place for some Rehab soon enough. That is if she can ever get the mouse out of the sofa!

Mileage

In the 10 years since I moved to Washington state, there have been a handful of times that I have been utterly devastated that I was not in Oregon closer to my family and friends. Today I just added one of those times. 

Today I got a call from my best friend of 20 years that Situ (Lebanese for grandma) died this morning. 

We knew that Situ would be dying soon. She was diagnosed with stage three ovarian cancer earlier this year. Being that Situ was well in her late 80's she decided to forgo treatment and live out the rest of her time (which the doctors said would be weeks, she proved them wrong) at home with her family. Still to get the call was upsetting.

I am torn because I desperately want to be there for my friend right now, but I can't. I have no one to leave Bacon with, and she is getting ready to fly to L.A. for a funeral. I want to be there to help her with the kids, and stock up some dinners in the freezer, I want to be there so that she can spend some time with her dad who is overwhelmed with grief right now. (A man who is never emotional, who I have rarely seen emotional in 20 years.) 

Instead I am left here to pray. Pray that they find comfort in knowing that Situ is no longer in pain, and that she is with her husband at last. I pray that they find comfort in all of the great memories they have of the time they had with her. I pray that the love that they shared for her pulls them through this. I know that in time it will. 

I also pray that all of you make sure that the women in your lives get checked regularly for all of the hoo ha cancer's. THEY CAN BE VERY SNEAKY! They are dangerous, but if detected early they can be treated. Luckily Situ - as she said - was an old lady by the time it got to her, BUT that doesn't mean that ANY of us women should ignore our lady parts. (Unless of course someone is mailing you pictures of theirs.) Take care of yourselves, and the ones that you love. Enjoy every moment you have because life is precious and wonderful, no matter how crabby and overwhelming it can sometimes seem. 

Explanation

As I have been writing a lot of letters this week and giving out tips to the people in my life, I thought I would explain a few things. 

1) This is sort of the passive aggressive way to handle things, BUT in all fairness saying any of those things to a person in real life would be considered rude and mean. (Never mind that hoo ha photo was RUDE and cornea searing!) Writing about it here, gets it off my chest and gives you all a good laugh.

2) Yes, Mr. Tantrum did bring home an ankle bracelet off the bottom of the Mirage pool. I have no idea what the hell is wrong with him. I think that maybe he slipped and hit his head or because he will be 34 in a little over a week he has officially lost his mind and become a cheap skate just like his father!

3) Yes, someone did send me pictures of a baby coming out of their "special place" no I will not tell you who it is. 

4) That person who will not take NO for an answer is still bothering me, anyone have some cyanide that I can put in their water to stop them?

5) Job interviews have become weird. I went to one yesterday expecting to be you know asked questions, instead they gave me a run down on the benefits etc. I was baffled as to why I wasn't offered the job, except maybe I am overqualified, or I look mean or circled the wrong answers on that "Circle the words that describe your personality test." I thought there were no wrong answers to that. I also thought that being honest was the way to go with that. I guess not. Next time I will lie and tell them that I am not in fact competitive, but a lazy SOB who likes to let others do the work for her. 

I think that explains everything so far! Oh, and yes, I would love to have a Blog Mom trip to Vegas. I will have to wait until next Spring though, as things here are crazy busy...and when we go let's stay somewhere nice, where I have stayed before, and hang out at the pool and spa. Forget checking out boys...I want to relax!

Dear Mr. Tantrum,

Dear Mr. Tantrum, 

I appreciate that you were away on business with your BFF for four days while I was home with a lunatic very vivacious Bacon. I am glad that you had FUN while you were away, and I am glad that while you were whacking off too busy doing important business things that you made time to call and grunt noises say hello. 

Next time you return however, I would think that it be wise that you shut your damn pie hole remain mum about the after hours parties you went to, the clubs you checked out, and the tips that your BFF gave you for picking up the ladies. I would also advise that if you bring home a crappy ankle bracelet for your wife, that you tell her that you won it in a vending machine or a raffle and not on the bottom of the icky swimming pool in Las Vegas. 

I know that this sounds mean and jealous, and I will admit that I am jealous. I have never been able to go away with a girlfriend and leave you home to play while under the guise of business. I also have been with you on these business trips, and know that rather than go to the after hours club parties, and other corporate sponsored events that you would rather go back to the hotel room and watch a damn repeat of GHOST BUSTERS. So not only am I jealous, I now think that you are embarrassed of me. 

I am glad you are home in one piece though, now Bacon can scream at you and spit on you for a few days. I will be off picking my nose or ass or something, and making a list of pointers for my girlfriends on how to pick up hot guys. 

Love, 

Mrs. Tantrum

Public Service Announcement

Dear Friends and Acquaintances, 

I appreciate that we have such great friendships. Really I do. Lately though I have been feeling a bit taken advantage of, a little used by some of you, if you will. So here are some tips to help you understand if you call or write and I don't respond.

1) If I haven't talked to, seen or exchanged emails with you in a number of months (like more than 12) chances are that I don't want to see 15 email pictures of you and your baby I didn't know you were pregnant with. The fact that I haven't even gotten a PERSONAL email directly from you pretty much made that "birth" picture MORE PERSONAL than we have EVER BEEN. A mailed birth announcement would have been fine here. 

2) If I have told you NO to something, it means NO. End of freaking discussion. Stop calling and asking, stop pestering. It will only irritate me more and quite possibly make me want to kill you. 

3) Yes, I am tired and it is because I have a 4 year old who NEVER sleeps. Please don't tell me how crappy I look, or how tired I appear to be. Usually when you choose to tell me this I was feeling pretty darn good about how I looked, and it just hurts my feelings. 

Thanks for taking the time to take these things into consideration, both myself and my inbox appreciate it. (As do my corneas, who are ruined from the bleach I had to apply to get you hoo ha vision out of it.) 

Yours truly, 

Mrs. Tantrum

Legal Proceedings

My Father In Law is the part owner of the dealership with Mr. Tantrum. They have this business deal thing that I don't understand and honestly don't think I want to. I mean if I don't understand it after 10 years, is there any real chance that I ever will. 

My dear Father In Law is great guy, with a very entrepreneurial spirit. (Which means that despite having a successful dealership, he always has his hands in other 'get rich quick' stuff.) Now I am not being mean here, he is AWESOME at taking a bankrupt or failing business and turning it into a money maker, but sometimes he is blinded by the bling. 

Case in point the latest venture that took a good 5 years for him to realize was a GIANT STINKY TURD BALL that would not flush down even the biggest sewer pipe. Now that the company has been dissolved and most of the assets have been sold off we are only left with a few minor issues that won't go away. 

Like the company that keeps suing him but never freaking shows up to court. 

I AM SERIOUS on this. He has gone to court over this matter, that they keep serving the papers to Mr. T for, 3 times. None of which a representative for the company can show up for. All three times Father In Law has filed the appropriate paperwork stating that they have not shown up, the judge has made note of it and we thought we were done with it. 

This morning at 7:45 my doorbell rang to the county's process server Sheriff McHottyPants. (He is a Sheriff, because you know we have been evading being served, when in reality they refuse to come here when he is HOME and can be served.) He had papers from the COMPANY THAT NEVER SHOWS UP IN COURT! We laughed about it, and I apologized for my rooster hair, he said he was sorry that he was here with papers from these jerks again. 

I really would like to marry that Sheriff McHottyPants. He's handsome and kind and funny, and he totally puts up with Bacon wanting to hump his leg when he comes by. 

So, when Mr. T comes back he will be "served" the papers, and then my Father In Law will again go to court where the company will not show up. I hope then that he goes ballistic. I know I am ready to appear in court and kick their asses file a complaint for harassment against them.

I mean seriously, how many times can you SERVE papers for a lawsuit on someone who 1) has nothing to do with the company 2) if you never show up on your appointed court dates for the lawsuit you are suing for? Doesn't it violate the Geneva Convention at some point? 

Not that I don't want to keep answering the door to Sheriff McHottyPants, but really I would rather it be for an expected nice visit than a surprise you are being served by some asshats again! 

Blogtations Party!!

My favorite place to have a good laugh, Blogtations, is having a party. A 500th quote party. Mrs. DeElba reminded me of it with a few good laughs at her place today. 

- I'll never forget that sensation of giving birth quickly. One day, you'll see a movie in which there's a graphic depiction of an air bag explosively deploying with a loud "Pkwhwwrtt" noise...THAT is what it was like. - Killing a Fly with a Ukulele is Probably the Wrong Thing to Do

- I like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain, but not making love at midnight. Hey, I have three little kids, I can't just be putting out at all hours of the day and night. - Paper Napkin

- There are few things that scar a parent for life worse than the potty training years. - Attack of the Redneck Mommy

If you want to play along and be entered to win a $50 amazon.com gift card just go over and check out the RULES. Anyone can play, and as long as you follow the rules, you can win! (Of course I am going to win, but you go ahead and enter too...) 

Have a great day, and be sure to make sure you have a Pull-Up® handy when you read Blogtations, seriously the stuff over there is belly laugh pee your pants funny!

Party Like A Rock Star

We went to a party yesterday for Bacon's girl. (Well, one of his "girls", he has many of them you know.) It was her 10th birthday party, and was a barbecue and water slide adventure. It started at 3, and since it was next door I figured we'd be home by 6 at the latest. 

We got home at 9:30. 

We all had a GREAT time. Even Mr. T came over and joined us after he got home from work. We ate and played and gossiped with the grown ups. The kids all played until they passed out....well I think the girls passed out. I hope for the parents sake they did, but somehow think that if I remember correctly at 10 years old a slumber party never meant sleeping. 

I am recovering today from just being tired, and from um, Mr. Tantrum hopping on a plane and heading to the Yamaha dealer show in Vegas until Wednesday. It is going to be a long week I think what with Bacon suddenly obsessed with a 5 am wake up time! Thankfully I have enough caffeine to get me through. 

Things I Have Eaten...

Here is a food meme, because I am feeling lazy and HUNGRY today. I stole it from my friend Ed over at Yat Cuisine. I just wish I lived closer to him so that I could eat dinner with him all the time. 

- Bold all the items you have eaten.

- Italicize the items you'll eat if given the chance.

- Strike through items that you would NEVER consider eating.

1. Venison

2. Nettle Tea

3. Huevos Rancheros

4. Steak Tar tare

5. Crocodile

6. Black Pudding

7. Cheese Fondue

8. Carp

9. Borscht

10. Baba Ghanoush

11.  Calamari

12. Pho

13. PB&J Sandwich

14. Aloo Gobi

15. Hot Dog from a street cart

16. Epoisses de Bourgogne

17. Black truffle

18. Fruit Wine made from something other than grapes

19. Steamed Pork Buns

20. Pistachio Ice Cream

21. Heirloom Tomatoes

22. Fresh Wild Berries

23. Foie Gras

24. Rice and Beans

25. Brawn or Head Cheese

26. Raw Scotch Bonnet Pepper

27. Dulce de Leche

28. Oysters

29. Baklava

30. Bagna cauda

31. Wasabi Peas

32. Clam Chowder in a sourdough bowl

33. Salted lassi

34. Sauerkraut

35. Root Beer Float

36. Cognac & a Fat Cigar

37. Clotted Cream Tea

38. Vodka Jelly/Jell-O

39. Gumbo

40. Oxtail

41. Curried Goat

42. Whole Insects

43. Phaal

44. Goat's Milk

45. Malt whiskey from a bottle $120 or more

46. Fugu

47. Chicken Tikka masala

48. Eel

49. Krispy Kreme Original Glazed Donut

50. Sea Urchin

51. Prickly Pear

52. Umeboshi

53. Abalone

54. Paneer

55. McDonald's Big Mac Meal

56. Spatzle

57. Dirty gin martini

58. Beer above 8%

59. Poutine

60. Carob Chips

61. S'Mores

62. Sweetbreads

63. Kaoliang

64. currywurst

65. durian

66. Frogs Legs

67. Beignets, Churros, Elephant Ears or a Funnel Cake

68. Haggis

69. Fried Plantain

70. Chitterlings or andouillette

71. Gazpacho

72. Caviar and Blini

73. Absinthe

74. Gietost

75. Roadkill

76. Baijiu

77. Hostess Fruit Pie

78. snail

79. Lapsang souchong

80 Bellini

81. Tom yum

82. Eggs Benedict

83. Pocky

84. Tasting menu at a Michelin 3 star restaurant

85. Kobe beef

86. Hare

87. Goulash

88. Flowers

89. Horse

90. Criollo chocolate

91. Spam  MEAT IN A CAN IS WRONG

92. Soft Shelled Crab

93. Rose harissa

94. Catfish

95. Mole poblano

96. Bagel and lox

97. Lobster Thermidor

98. Polenta

99. Jamaican Blue Mountain Coffee

100. Snake 

Pissed Off

Dear Large Corporation, 

I recently had the unfortunate pleasure of needing to call your customer service number. Being that you have the number listed, I assumed that it would get me to someone who could help me with my question/quandary. Of course I forgot that when one assumes they make an ass out of you and me. 

Your customer service representative was not only unable to clearly speak English he could not understand it either. 

This wouldn't pose a problem if we were in another country where English isn't the national language, but here I sit in Washington state, one of the "Lower 48" of the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. You know that place where ENGLISH is the national language. 

I have a serious problem with the fact that you have hired someone to look at my PRIVATE credit information who cannot understand me, and whom I cannot understand. What's to say that they aren't filtering my information to some 5Th party in Botswana and I will soon fall victim to some ungodly Boatswain Fly Farming Scheme? 

Not only is the language an issue, the whole phone call consists of "hold on" and "I can't help you with that" phrases. Which then resulted in me being further helped by someone speaking elfin who couldn't understand what I needed either. After 6 transfers and feeling as if I had just done a stint on The Amazing Race I hung up, problem unresolved and ready to close my account with you. 

It is fine that you are an equal opportunity employer and don't discriminate. I LOVE THAT. That is what is so great about America, and all of the people in it. Seriously though, when you are hiring people to help out your customers who cannot understand what I need, you are not only doing a disservice to me, you are doing a disservice to everyone. 

Sincerely Your Former Client, 

Mrs. Tantrum

Relating

Tonight watching Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin speak, I also watched her family. I watched her daughters, the older two nervous looks about being thrust into the national spotlight. I watched her husband and parents beam with pride as they watched her speak and touch the hearts of many Americans. I saw her oldest son a young man who is leaving for war soon and I cried. I cried for every man and woman who has left and not returned, I cried for all of the soldiers there that are still fighting. I prayed that they all would come home safe. 

The moment in that speech that touched me the most was not anything in particular that Sarah said, although she said a lot of great things! It was rather watching Piper her youngest daughter proudly hold her baby brother Trig next to her dad. There was a moment when the cameras caught her licking the palm of her hand and flattening out his hair. That isn't something that a little girl knows how to do, that is something that she has seen her mom do...a mom who is involved in every day of the kids lives. 

So for all of those who say that she cannot manage a political career and her 5 kids, go get a real job. She is a MOM, and I told you many times before that MOMS are exactly what we need in the White House. They are not afraid to wipe asses and dish out time outs all before their breakfast with the Prime Minister of Japan. 

You may not agree with her politics, and you may not be of her political party, but you have to admit that she can take care of a great family and she is one remarkable woman. 

Dis-Orientation

Today was Bacon's preschool orientation. You know the real deal before the first day of school kind. Not the rush to get it all done around Christmas kind like last year. It was indeed great. I love the teacher that he has this year. She is made of sunshine and rainbows and other magical things that make little children melt into obedient things.

As instructed per the note home we took in the following items:
- 5 large apples
- 2 boxes of wipes
- 1 large package of napkins
- 3 cans frozen juice
- 3 packages of those horrible fish crackers
- A change of clothing
- His backpack

He got used to the room and we talked with the teacher. He picked out his cubby and got his picture taken for the job board. He played some, and then he was ready to go home.

REALLY READY TO GO HOME.

He wanted a nap. He is napping right now on the couch here at the dealership because it is "More comfy" than the one at home. Really he is so exhausted he doesn't know which end is up, and appeasing him on this one thing was easier than fighting him tooth and nail for the rest of the day.

So while he snoozes in the customer waiting area, daddy is busy working and I am getting all of the odds and ends of paperwork caught up that need my attention. It is win win for everyone.

Unless of course he decides on Thursday that he needs a nap every day at this time...then his new teacher is going to be in for a mighty big fight, one that she may not win.

Holy Shrimp!

Visiting with friends tonight Bacon was helping them load up their car. When he realized how much stuff they had to put in their Ford Mustang, he yelled "HOLY SHRIMP! How is all of that going to fit in that little thing?" 

Of course since we were all only half listening, it sounded much more like "HOLY SHIT!" 

Stunned it took us all a few seconds to recover, and then I realized what he had said and quickly explained that we could thank Spongebob Squarepants for his lovely language. 

On the bright side he has stopped swearing like a sailor...even if it still sounds like he is swearing like one. Maybe I should try some of these phrases myself to see if I can't stop swearing up a wild streak. Nah, I am sure I would just mess it up and it would all come out sounding like shit anyway!