Cannon....

The wading pool is filled, and the sun is shining Bacon has been running in and out to play in the pool all day long. The in and out makes me kind of crazy, but when he is in that pool he is hysterical. 

Last night he was jumping up and down in the pool, on and off his carrot slide doing a "cannon ball." 

Of course as soon as Mr. Tantrum got home his screams of "cannon ball" turned to something a little more hysterical. 

"Daddy! Daddy! Watch me!" 

"I'm watching."

"CAN OF PEAS"

"What did he say?" Mr Tantrum asked me. 

"I have no idea. My brain melted out my ear about 2 when he was pulling his whole homicidal maniac routine in Target."

"What did you say buddy?"

"CAN OF PEAS!" as he splashes in to the water. 

"You know it is CANNON BALL, right buddy?" 

"Duh, Daddy. But it is more fun this way."

He continued for over an hour shouting off every variety of canned vegetables that he could think of. After about 20 minutes I blacked out or something. I don't remember. The whole "can of" thing got old really fast so I sat there and pretended to pay attention, with my eyes closed behind my sunglasses while Mr. Tantrum supervised the insanity. 

Sunday Stew

It is Sunday, and I have spent much of the week up to my eyebrows with Bacon at various MOMS Club activities and play dates. He has been having a BLAST and I am loving reconnecting with some moms that I haven't seen in a long time. I am also loving that he is not freaking out or losing his mind at every available opportunity, and we are able to stay and enjoy the time with friends. 

I also have started blogging with my friend Tina over at her new site Autism Sucks Rocks. It is a support site for parents of kids with Autism. She and I met on Twitter and both have kids with high functioning autism. We have both spent more days tweeting about homicidal tantrums about cereal not being the right temperature, color or texture that I would like to admit. If you have a kid with Autism, and need some support head over and check it out. Be sure to check out Tina's blog too! She is funny and smart...and she HOME SCHOOL'S all three of her kids and hasn't as of yet lost her mind!

Bacon has also been riding his bicycle finally. (Yes, with training wheels.) We bought him a new helmet on Friday and it is for an 8 year old. He of course comes by that whole giant head thing naturally...I mean it does run on my side of the family and all. He really is getting good at it too, and loves it. Now Mr. Tantrum and I just need to find some bicycles so that we can keep up with him. It will be great exercise for all of us, especially now that summer is here and the weather is in the 90's here. 

Since the weather is warm and the sun is shining I will end it here, we are going to get out pasty pale skin out for some sun. Don't worry we have sunscreen.

Y-M-C-Kiss My Ass Fat Kid

This week has been a busy one for Bacon and I. We rejoined the MOMS Club after a year off, and are back to going to activities, meeting new friends and getting to know old ones again.

The first activity was at a local park. I was panicked, because what if that mom that doesn't like me is there? What if everyone hates me now? What if no one likes me? What if they all think I am a big bitch? (Yes, I already know I am crazy and irrational. I take medicine for it. This still happens every time I go somewhere. Even if I know EVERYONE there. I can't help it even though I know it is stupid.)

We had a great time, however we had to contend with about 100 local YMCA day camp kids converging on the park for the first 45 minutes that we were there. These were not well behaved kids. They were also not monitored by their so called "counselors." One group was chasing squirrels up a tree, another was taunting other kids with a bat - all while these "counselors" stood in clumps and chatted each other up. They left soon enough and we returned to our regularly scheduled programming.

The rest of the week has been filled with other trips, and we have avoided the YMCA with great glee. Today however when we met up with our new mom/daughter friends for a play date at ANOTHER park we were greeted by the YMCA day campers. THREE BUSES of them. Fortunately for the first two hours that we were there, they were not allowed to play on the playground. Then all hell broke loose and the let them swarm in an unorderly fashion onto the playground. They trampled all of the kids that were there playing - who were smaller than them and playing nicely - and acted like a bunch of wild rabid monkeys in heat. The "counselors" did nothing.

When a 12 year old fat kid pushed Bacon out of first place in line to get on the merry-go-round I got in his face.

"Look asshole!" I yelled. "You don't push people. Especially kids that are 1/4 your size, and are not with your little rude camp group."

"B-b-but," he stammered, "there can only be six people at a time on the merry-go-round."

"Really?" I replied."So you mean to tell me that you are the merry-go-round police and you get to make up stupid rules and push around little kids?" "Wow, that must make you feel just AWESOME."

"B-b-b-but"he stammered looking at me like he was going to shit himself.

"I don't care who you think you are, or what you think the rules are, if I see you so much as breathe on another kid the wrong way and I will be sure that you spend the rest of the day in jail. GOT IT?"

"Um, uh..."

"GOT IT?"

"Yes, ma'am"

That was the last I saw of the fat kid. I was shocked and amazed that 1) he didn't tell a YMCA adult 2) none of the "adults" saw the exchange and came over to see what was going on and 3)that I did it all with a straight face.

I think that I am going to track down the YMCA director and kick his ass. I mean shouldn't he WARN the public of where they are going in advance? That way we can try to avoid this crap. If we go to Monday's event and I see one of those red shirts with the letter Y on it I may just end up blogging from jail.

Four Sucks

Since school ended a week and a half ago, Bacon has been testy. Everything has been dramatic and over the top. I assumed once we settled into our new routine, and he understood that he wasn't going back to school for a while, that he would be fine. Do you know what I get for assuming? I look like a big fat jackass.

Bacon has done nothing but throw inappropriate fits, tantrums (snot flying, kicking, screaming, tears streaming down the face, crap your pants ones) and being an out and out bear to be around. I have taken him to play places, play dates, the movies, the zoo and more. I have fed him whatever he insists on eating and still he is unbelievably insane.

I hate this. I hate that there are more days than not where he acts like a homicidal maniac, than days when he acts like a really cool little man that he is. I know that most of it is the Asperger's, and there is nothing that we can do to make that go away. I know that part of it is being 4 and testing boundaries. I know that it stinks to high hell.

I cannot imagine what other moms who deal with this with more than one child do on a day to day basis do to stay sane. I am on the verge of tears, becoming an alcoholic, or running into traffic naked. None of those options are good. None of them are wise. None of them make me a good mom.

Would a good mom be able to handle this stress? Would a good mom just grin and bear it? Or do good moms admit when they are getting defeated by a raging toddler and ask for a little help from their friends?

I don't know, but about now I am thinking that traveling with the brotherhood of traveling cats might be a better place to be than here, and I am deathly allergic to cats!

Sunshine

The sun is here and it is miraculous what that round orb of fire can do for the soul. We all feel better because of it. I even went to the zoo and didn't grumble! (OK, I did let out a couple expletives when we were on our way into the zoo and a bird took a dump on my hand. MY HAND. A BIRD FLYING OVER MY HEAD POOED ON MY HAND!) Bacon even got a haircut at a salon by a real honest to goodness hairdresser, and didn't lose his mind! It was truly amazing.

Mr. Tantrum cleaned the barbecue after I told him that I made fun of him for not fixing it. He is ordering parts to fix the ignitor (apparently I did get the wrong one, but couldn't you have told me that SOONER dude?) and replace the grody to the max grills. We actually cooked on it tonight and it was divine.

I almost got my butt kicked when I summed up the part about having to be in a beach house with his CRAZY brothers, because he forgot about the whole "traveling with the cat" thing. When I reminded him of it, with dates and instances, he laughed and admitted that it was indeed weird and a little bit questionable for an adult man to be doing. Especially when said cat doesn't like to ride in the car, has issues with pooing when he isn't at home, and pretty much gets diarrhea the minute it is time to head home in the car!

The sun had Bacon playing in the inflatable pool, and on the slip and slide with squeals and shouts of joy. His giggling and belly laughs were beyond contagious, and the best part of the whole day. I wish I could really rememberthis when he is throwing a fit in Target like a maniac and strangers try to "help" by talking to him. What they don't realize is that in doing that they only send him further over the edge into a bigger pile of screaming 4 year old hysteria.

The forecast calls for more sun and temperatures in the 90's this weekend. Summer is finally here in Seattle, and we are READY. I will not complain about the heat, or the sun, I will enjoy every single minute of the stick to the leather seat heat, because it has been way to cold this year!

Brutally Honest Monday

I am going to be brutally honest with you all, because that is what Mrs. Flinger has taught me to do. Plus I love you all, and I can only share these deep dark secrets with you anyway.

First off my husband will be partaking in oven BBQ'D chicken for dinner tonight. Why oven BBQ'D you ask? Why when I have a lovely very EXPENSIVE BBQ outside that I could be utilizing? Let me tell you why.
1) Mr. Tantrum has still not repaired the electronic ignitor despite the fact that I have the parts to do it and have had them for 4 months
2) Mr. Tantrum set fire to the dinner he cooked 2 weeks ago clogging all of the burners causing them to sound like they are going to shoot off like a rocket when you light them.
3) The BBQ also shakes like a crazy dog that cannot catch its tail when lit now. It also hums LOUDLY and inappropriately. I don't think that our home owner's insurance covers the damage that condition causes so I am not using it until he fixes it. Which very well may be never. That is fine. I will just use the oven until it too blows up.

Secondly my Crazy Aunt Ethel, the one who has been ignoring us since Christmas,  called to see if we wanted to join her in August at the beach. Fortunately, we will be getting ready to leave for a business trip in DC.

DC in August will be hotter than A Rod's balls during a 12 inning game. If going to DC means that I do not have to spend a week in a beach house with 8 adults, an infant, a 4 year old, their four cats (because everyone knows you cannot just leave cats at home alone with food. You really need to pack those fuckers up and take them with you wherever you go!), and a beagle, I am there like white on rice!

If we won't be headed to DC I will soon be contemplating how to get a highly communicable disease before then. What diseases can you come up with? I wonder if I can just Google easy to catch diseases?

Now it isn't that I don't love my Crazy Aunt Ethel and her kids. They are great, but the idea of spending an extend amount of time with them in a place the Bacon is not familiar with isn't a fun idea. They don't like schedule, or routine, and they eat all kinds of freaky organic shit some of them are on a RAW diet, some of them are vegetarians, and they all have switched political parties and hate us for who we vote for. (Never mind that if we don't vote for that party, chances are we could get put out of business. Which would mean that they would have to support our asses for once.) It would take me from semi nervous to freaked the fuck out in 2.1 seconds. Not pretty for anyone.

Brutal, probably. Honest, um yeah. Am I scared shit less that one of them will see it and I will get disowned? No, I mean how could they hate me any more than they already do, I drink coffee, I feed my kid hot dogs and I vote for the other guy!

Weekend Update

Yesterday, I had the crazy notion that I could take Bacon by myself to a local festival. We went first thing in the morning, after he had been crammed full of food and was in a good mood, before there were throngs of crazy people. He went on the various kid inflatable jumping toys and wore himself out, we purchased some organic produce from the local vendors and rode a stupid train ride and then headed toward the car.

Three blocks from the car he lost his mind. Not just a little bit of his mind, all of it.

It was a body on the sidewalk, screaming, snot throwing, head banging fit for everyone in a 200 mile radius to hear. All because he suddenly needed popcorn that was a half a mile in the opposite direction. We were not going back for popcorn. I was not picking him up and carrying him to the car along with my groceries, so I told him to get up and walk to the car.

Some woman who was 7,452 years old told me that I needed to be a good mom and go and get him some popcorn. I told her to shove it and go buy him some popcorn but guaranteed that would not stop the tantrum. She left and I am pretty sure that she called the cops...I only wish that we had still been there when they arrived. That alone would have scared Bacon enough to stop this crap for at least 6 months or more.

Finally when we got to the car he had to pee, of course, because he couldn't pee when we were in a building that had a bathroom, so I made him pee in an empty coke bottle. I am a good mom like that, I make my kid pee in empty bottles in the car. After getting to the store to see Hubby, and cramming Bacon full of nuggets and french fries he calmed down for 2.5 minutes.

I was greatly relieved that I got to go out for a meet up with the girls. My blog buddies. (I only panicked a little when I thought for 2 minutes that they could possibly be 50 year old bald fat men who lived in their mother's basements posing as mommy blogger's and might kill me.) I snapped out of it quickly when I picked up Mamakazie and then when we met Ann.

We were so busy talking that it took forever to order dinner, and then when Worker Mommy got there we talked even more. The waitress seemed a bit frazzled that we were so chatty...um, it wasn't like we were demanding much...but then gave us a cool tip about a tour that we are all planning on taking later on this summer. It was really a lot of fun. I can't wait to do it again. The great thing is, that these ladies are exactly the way that they are on their blogs, so meeting them was just like reading them - only a heck of a lot more fun!

Today is shaping up to be difficult with Bacon having a bad attitude. I only hope that the full moon passes soon and he gets back to normal. There really is nothing worse than a whining crabby tantrum tossing 4 year old to ruin your day. Well except maybe a fat bald 50 year old man posing as a mommy blogger who is trying to kill you!

CRAZY We're On Our Way!

Bacon isn't one of those kids who sleeps. I wish he was. OH GOD do I wish he was. He sleeps 9 hours, and that is with melatonin. That is good. He gets through with it, and now that he is out of our bed I am getting by on less than that.

The thing that stinks about it all is that on days like today when he is in an AWFUL mood, there is no way to convince him that a nap will make him feel better. I would have been better off sending him back to bed first thing this morning, but it wasn't happening. That piss poor attitude should have been my warning not to go out in public with him.

We did go out though, we went to the MOMS Club meeting and met up with old friends and some new ones. He spent about 45 minutes in my lap humming and rocking and freaking out like there was no tomorrow. It was not pretty. He doesn't even do that at school! Here however it was like Autism poster boy show and tell day! He did finally play with the kids and convince them all to race down the hall at full speed ahead.

We went to the park with everyone for an hour and played and played. He injured himself twice, which today resulted in hysterics. Finally we left to get lunch and see daddy. That went terribly too. Finally we were home, where he again continued to impale himself, and be hysterical.

I am hoping that it is a full moon, or that he woke up on the wrong side of the bed. One more day of this and I will be headed to the loony bin for sure.

I'm The Luckiest Girl In The World

Lately I realized that this little Internet thing is AMAZING, and that the "friends" I have made are even more amazing. Let me show you what I mean...

First I won a gift card to Old Navy from Laurie, then I won that crazy Fantasy Island gift pack from her too. All for commenting and reading a blogger that is HILARIOUS and would totally be one of my BFF'S if she didn't live half a continent away.

Then I won a jar of gourmet peanut butter from those crazy kids over at PBLoco! A free jar of their delectable Coco Banana is on its merry way to me as I type this. All for "following" them on Twitter, and writing a crazy poem about PB. They are fun. You need to check them out right now.

I have entered other contests at other sites and not won. No big deal. I mean heck you can't win if you don't play right? But then I got an email from ThisMommyGig and found out that I won a case of the lovely Primo Water. If you haven't heard about it, it is in plastic bottles that are not made from petroleum products. They are recyclable, and amazing. The are available all over. You can check out their website here http://www.primowater.com/ !

Now I learn that witchypoo has awarded me the "Suckiosity I Sucked it Up" award. She is so cool, and funny. She posts about toilets and Ass Burger Boy and other funny stuff that always makes me pee. Go give her some love.

Today I learn that I have been given the CREATIVITY AWARD by Scary Mommy! Holy COW! Creative, WOW, that makes me feel really special and loved. Here are the (much abbreviated) rules that accompany her award.

• Choose 5 blogs deserving of this for their creativity, design & material.

• Each award should link to the giver of the award

• Link to the Arte Y Pico blog (the woman who began this award.) If your Spanish is good enough to translate this all please do so.

• Post the Rules

To share in my LOVE and LUCK I am passing this on to...Becky, for her licking pug; Black Hockey Jesus, because he is CREATIVE beyond compare; Mrs. Hannigan, she has 6 daughters need I say more; Laurie, because she always makes me laugh; and Givyana, for the CREATIVE name of her blog.

All of you inspire me to write and share more, to be funnier, to love and to remember what is important. Seriously I love you all like a fat kid loves cake. More really. Thanks for all of your love and support, and I am here for you too!

Autism Pride Day

I was going to post something profound today, but instead go over to Becky's and you can read about how today is Autism Pride Day. I am proud to have an Aspie, as frustrating as that can sometimes be. I know that Becky is too.

Laurie is going to be my Vice President in the next election, and she has a picture up from her 80's party. Check it out. (Also she was brave enough to post some hair pics from the 90's when we were in high school. I also need to apologize to my mom for my poor hair and clothing choices then, so sorry mom.)

I will be back tomorrow with goodness and more. Hubby will be back at work, so I won't be too distracted by his presence and keep demanding him to do things to me. Hee hee. We really need to quit acting like horny teenagers and more like the adults we are supposed to be, then we probably wouldn't be so damn exhausted!

I Could Have Been Getting Licked

I was so bummed out when I read that most of my on line bloggy buddies are headed to San Francisco for Blog Her this summer. I knew what with the Botox, and Resytlane and all that caffeine I had in no way shape or form saved enough money to go down and hang out. I was cool with that until I read over at Mrs. Flinger's place that she is going to lick us!

Now I will not only be at home with a screaming 4 year old, I will not be getting licked by Mrs. Flinger.

It totally serves me right for spending all my cash to have my face injected with poison, the Flinger probably will never lick me now that she knows that I have been injected with the botulism!

Besides that she would need something visual to remember me from my blog by, and I don't think that a picture of poop and swear words would exactly make me a lot of friends. What do you readers think of when you think of my blog? What pictures would best describe me if I was going to get licked by Mrs. Flinger?

Now go over there if you are going to go to Blog Her, and play along for Brutally Honest Monday. Which we know is on TUESDAY, so hush already!

Go Call Your Mother

Right now before you read this you need to call your mother (and father) and apologize for every time in the car you asked them if you were indeed "there yet." Go ahead, I will wait....

I am serious. This is important.

Okay. Now that you have done that, I can tell you that when I called (yes, while driving) to apologize to my mother the Bitch answered the phone with an "are we there yet?"

Four hours alone in a car with a four year old who "couldn't" want to be hungry, "couldn't" want to watch a movie, "couldn't" want to take a nap. Instead he wanted to talk my freaking ear off. He would not shut up.

The last hour of the drive he asked every two seconds if we were there, and then when we got to the town where we were going he wanted me to tell him what color the damn house was. He lost all his marbles when I told him I didn't know and it was a surprise.

We did have a great time, but I am tired of his antics.
- I am tired of explaining that he is loosing his shit because the food is the wrong color, shape, size, smell, texture or that there was a fucking toy in the happy meal.
- I am tired of trying to explain that yes, he is indeed normal, but if you mess with certain things there is no bringing him out of the horrific tantrum that will ensue.
- I am tired of all the tantrums because someone looked at him the wrong way, or because he didn't get his way.

Mostly I am just tired.

I am going to bed and going to sleep. My husband can fend for himself for another night or so (and hopefully clean up the dishes that he has left in the sink and the full trashcan under the sink) until I can recover and feel like "normal."

I Fought The Barbecue....

This happened last year, but since it is Father's Day. I thought a post about battling the Barbecue was appropriate. Enjoy your day with Dad. I will hopefully be with mine...if not I will be with my Father in Law drinking some beers.

Yes, my friends that is correct, I fought the BBQ, and the FUCKER SINGED MY HAIR. But let's just start at the beginning.


I was awakened this morning at 5:30 by a screaming toddler, who could have rattled the door off the hinges if he had worked a little harder at shaking it and spent a little less time screaming like a homicidal MANIAC!!

I wouldn't be so upset but the Toddler has awakened me three times now from a lovely dreams of Daniel Craig and George Clooney on some sort of 007 Wave Runner (cheap and easy product placement) Spy film type scenario to get in bed with Daddy - Never Mommy, Daddy - and he always wakes me up when things in the dream are getting GOOD.


All kidding aside, things went really well today. Daddy got rid of a LOT of the crap ass toys that Toddler won't let me get rid of - tis the power of daddiness - and they weeded and did other outside man work.

Tonight I was very concerned that we were coming into the dinner hour and I was at a loss of what to write about. (What, Faith at a loss for words? Someone better call someone!!) But of course not thinking - and that is my problem I have determined, NOT THINKING - I went about the dinner preparations while talking on the phone with a friend about MOMS club DRAMA in her state.


The french fries were in the oven, the condiments and buns on the counter, all I needed to do was start the gleaming stainless steel Sunbeam gas grill like I have hundreds upon hundreds of times. Because lets face it, if we waited for daddy to get home EVERY night to grill - we would be eating our own legs a LOT during the busy summer season!!

So, I opened the lid, (phone jammed between shoulder and ear jabbing away as always) turned the center knobs and pushed the start button....nothing.


"What the FUCK is wrong with this now?!?" I kicked it and jiggled the propane tank...and then turned the burners off for a couple of minutes and then turned them back on again. Still nothing.

Then I held the button ("electronic ignition") down for a little longer....all I remember is a giant orange ball, a huge burning sensation, dropping the phone, loosing my glass and screaming "WHAT THE FUCK?"

When I got to the powder room I realized what the FUCK had happened. My hair was singed in a GAWD Awful pattern, my nose hairs were non existent and the tip of my nose and my top lip hurt like hell. Fortunately nothing is seeping or blistered, and I being a hypochondriac well prepared for emergencies had plenty of Neosporin on hand to rub all over it and inside my nose.


Hubby came down from "dropping the kids off at the pool" to investigate.

"What happened?"


"Um, I just burned all my Fucking hair off with the Damn barbecue!!" (I was still on the phone at this point.)

"Holy Shit!! That looks awesome!!"

"So not Awesome!! I have to PAY to get this fixed...or look like an ass forever!!"


Once I got reoriented (well I am still a little screwed up from it) he joked that I could just tell everyone that I was in India and decided to try out the local hair salon. (Apparently they cut hair there by setting it on fire. Not appealing to me.) Not a funny joke, not a funny thought.

I am going to have a cocktail. And we are going to COSTCO tomorrow....right after my 11:45 appointment with Kevin (the world's hottest hairstylist, who I sometimes like to lick) to fix this mess...to stock up on microwave food for the nights that daddy isn't here to operate the barbecue!

Knock Next Time And See What Happens

This is an OLD post from my old Blog. It will keep you entertained and Busy while I am out of town with old friends. Please enjoy. My husband is home with our fierce dogs so if you try to rob us you will get your butt kicked!

I arrived home from errands with Toddler this afternoon to be greeted by a lovely magazine seller. Normally this wouldn't bug me. But today it pissed me off to levels that I can't even begin to explain. I mean seriously what is the deal, if I wanted to buy magazines or win someone a trip to the Bahamas it would be FOR ME!!!

He greets me as I am unloading grumpy Toddler out of the car, blabbering on about a "points race" (something I am sure that he made up) and something about "overcoming a fear of public speaking" (This guy was about as fearful of public speaking as a used car lot is of polyester leisure suits) I am crabby, it is hot, and the last thing I want is to be attacked by a PIE HOLE in the driveway about the importance of buying books for Toddler (who won't read them unless they are about trains anyway) or magazines for me, which let's face it I don't have time to read.


When I told him I'm not interested he gets all huffy with me.

Excuse me?!?! You sir came to my home trying to sell me something. I did not come to you looking for something that you weren't selling. I can see an attitude if I had asked you for a Chanel Dress or Manolo Bhlanik shoes, but not when I told you that I DON'T WANT YOUR MAGAZINES OR BOOKS!!

Another thing buddy, last time I checked it is 2008, and I don't need sales people selling things door to door. I have the Internet and QVC for shopping at home in my underwear.


And seriously if you are over the age of 8 you should not be selling things door to door.

So, Jeremiah, excuse me if I don't buy magazines from your lame old 20 + year old ass. I am too busy praying that you will get hit by a car or maimed by a rabid dog while traipsing door to door, all of that of course while cross stitching a lovely little sign for the front door that reads "Solicitors Over the Age of 5 Will Be Shot On Sight"

Loose Ends

Today is Bacon's last day of preschool. I am so happy I could do a little dance in the street. Of course this means in about a week I will be screaming and ripping all of the tiny little hairs out of my head because OMG he is driving me INSANE! But we will have no more of the crazy teacher and her weird notes home.

Today we are headed to my BFF'S house for her baby shower and some fun time. We are both excited because he gets to see his "cousin" (the boys are 3 weeks apart and we are THAT close) and play. Then we are visiting Nana and Papa, and his other cousins for a day. Then I am seeing a friend who I have not seen since high school graduation. I am very excited, and not nervous at all. I am very much looking forward to it. She is wonderful, and I am also very excited to see her new baby in person.

Then I will drive home and die.

Well, I won't die, but I will probably be very tired and want to sleep for two days. Which will be good, because it will be Hubby's weekend and he can take over with the child.

Oh, I know you are going insane because we won't be home for Father's Day. Seriously though, Father's Day is the day the Hubby works. Long hours. We have gifts for him, and many many cards about farting, so he will not miss out, but he said that it was not that important for us to be here for a "Hallmark Holiday" when every day was his day.

He did say that he hoped that my BFF did not go into labor and require me to stay for an extra week. He was kidding though, because he just wants our newest niece to get her safely and soon.

We actually have a bet going on when she is going to arrive. Her due date is July 17. She will make her debut much earlier than that, I know. I am her auntie, I can already tell that she is a diva. Someday I am totally buying her a pony, and we are naming it Truffles.

Have a good weekend. There will be flashback posts to keep you entertained while I am gone. Keep yourselves out of trouble, and if you spot my Hubby out with strippers, make sure that you spray him down with some bleach spray (40:1) before you send him home!

Great Wolf...Really Is Great

I had emailed Daring Young Mom and asked her what was up about our trip to Great Wolf, and what she thought. Well smarty pants that she is she emailed my blog link to the CEO and COO of the Lodge. Today I received an email from the General Manager apologizing for the problems we experienced, and also could he send us a voucher for a free stay the next time we came.

I never set out to tell you all that we had a bad time there to slander them. In fac,t I was venting and wanted to get all of the problems we had written down so that when I wrote the letter it would make sense.

As a business owner it is always important to me that I let a company know if the service was really bad, because chances are that other people have had the same problem and not said anything about it. (That whole thing about someone telling 10 people if their service is bad is MORE these days, it is more like 10 times that. Hardly ever do you hear about the good places people get service either.) I would much rather have the problems brought to my attention so that I can correct them and not have them happen again, then have them perpetuate.

I am absolutely astounded that they went so far as to offer us a free stay. I am looking forward to going back in a few months and seeing how things have improved. (Oh, yeah I am saving that "Golden Ticket" for something that I need Bacon to do. With him it is all about deals...and this will get me whatever behavior I need.) This my friends is customer service at its best, and what I pray that my employees are doing when there is a problem.

Really as Robert Fulgham said in his book All I Really Needed To Know I Learned In Kindergarten "Say your sorry." And that my friends they have.

MommyBlogger For President

This will I promise be my last post for a while about politics and all of the insanity that surrounds it. I just had and epiphany of sorts and had to share it with you all, because it was so good.

A Mommy Blogger needs to run for president.

Why, you ask? Who else can manage a house full of screaming kids, a husband, two dogs, four cats, hamsters, spiders homework, the PTA, the MOMS Club, cook dinners that are edible and semi nutritious, while packing up the house to move to god knows where because daddy is getting a new job 5 weeks after the newest baby is born, all while writing about it in a witty and funny way without loosing her mind COMPLETELY? A Mommy Blogger can!

No old man, or middle aged man can do that. (Although I am sure that a Daddy Blogger or two could also run, and that would be good, a Mommy or Daddy Blogger for President and the other for Vice President!) Let's show the world that Mom's and Dad's can work together in a bi partisan effort to get it done. That it isn't about mom jobs or dad jobs it is about getting stuff done, with humor and wit and very little sleep.

Now before any of you nominate ME for this position let me tell you why I am not qualified.
- First of all I cannot be trusted to not use my fierce potty mouth in front of Prime Ministers.
- Secondly if Kim Jong Il called with threats to me, I would probably only piss him off by saying, "I don't care if you are the POPE! I said no! I am the President, and I mean NO!"
- Thirdly, I have also been known quite frequently to spout of with stupid things like "That is gay!" (as in DUMB) or "That is Retarded" (as in STUPID) all the time. This would widely offend 99.999% of the American public and I would immediately be impeached by Senator McGeriatricDiaper to whom I gave a heart attack for telling I wasn't going to sign his bill giving him more retirement money.
- Fourthly I don't have time to campaign and do all that other BS. I do not care what anyone thinks about my hair, nor do I care if so and so likes my outfit. I am not going to tell TrashTainmentNewsWeekly what I like to eat for dinner, and if I want a damn french fry I will eat it. I also will have all of these so called "reporters" fed to the lions. Because lions are hungry, and they need to eat stuff with lots of cholesterol, and collagen has LOTS of cholesterol.
- Fifth I like to drink, I like coffee, and I like Botox. These are not things that the first woman president should be known for. She should be known for more feminine things.
- Sixth The only real knowledge I retained about the legislative process is from the School House Rock song "I'm Just a Bill"

You see based on that I am NOT qualified for the White House at all! In fact, I am the LEAST qualified Mommy Blogger out there. (Well I would make Target hand out booze at the door to all the moms.) There are others more qualified, and more deserving, and who wouldn't need to be institutionalized 2 weeks in from insanity.

Am I Alone In This?

I really don't care at this point who your candidate in the big election is. I don't care if you are republican, democrat, liberal, or independent. I care if you are a person, and if you are nice, and that you care enough about your country to actually quit complaining and get the hell out there and vote.

What I do care about is the fact that the two parties that are up for election cannot seem to act like adults, and are already pulling a "he said doo doo MOM" and "but MOM, he said WIENER"! The fact of the matter is that I don't care what they have said, or what they might have said or implied. Nor do I care what their cousin's uncle's brother's girlfriend thinks about anything. I care about what the candidate thinks about the issues, and what his plans are for the future if he gets elected.

I am busy enough playing referee all day with toys and snacks and play dates. I don't want to have to do it with my political candidates too. I want a clean simple basic race. No more of this bull that my 4 year old does, because seriously you have to be over the age of 35 to be president. If you can't act like a grownup when running for office, then maybe it is time that you come over to my house and I can give you a time out for acting like an ass, and remind you how to behave when competing in a contest, and how not to embarrass your mother.

Highway To Hell

As I was frantically folding laundry on Saturday morning and impatiently waiting to hear Monica-Lewinsky's-Boyfriend's-Wife step down, I let Bacon watch train videos on You Tube. It keeps him quiet, and keeps me free to watch about 20 minutes of adult television without screams for SPONGE BOB!

Of course Saturday was the day that he decided that 5 minutes was enough time to watch trains on Momma's puter.

He agreed to watch "that weird lady" (as he calls MLBW) and play quietly. I had the TV on mute because I couldn't listen to anymore incessant chatter of Chris Matthews and the two other fat dudes when I heard Bacon singing. At first I couldn't make it out, I mean I admittedly don't speak delirious drunken toddler, then it was clear as a bell. As MLBW was walking on stage, Bacon was singing "Highway to Hell."

Really, if she had used that as her campaign song I may have voted for her. Hell she might have won the race, but for now, every time I hear that song I will think of the day that MLBW suspended her campaign.

Suggestions To Target Team Members

Dear Target Team Members,

I visit your store quite often. You have great deals, great items and I can get night time pull ups, a bra and some BBQ potato chips all in the same place. I also love that you have a snack bar where I can stop grab a bag of popcorn for Bacon Bits, with a Propel and he will shut his mouth so I can shop in peace.

I do have a suggestion though for those days when he can't want a snack and won't ride in your red carts and insists in screaming like a homicidal maniac when running through the aisles. Please serve liquor at the door. I will pay extra for this service, as I am sure will many other stay at home moms across the country. I think that if you also offer a shuttle service to and from the store this will not only increase your traffic, but your sales as well. (Selling ad space on the environmentally friendly shuttle buses will make them a MONEY MAKER!)

Think about it, you average sale is $100. (Hence your nickname the $100 store) If you serve liquor you can easily double or triple that! A tipsy woman will gladly stuff her cart with rolls of toilet paper, and tampons and dog food. Put that BIG RED BULLS EYE on something and mark it clearance or sale and we are on it like white on rice and will claw each other's eyes out to get it for $9.99!

If you also make the carts look like cars or trains - yes ALL of them - the kids will be more than happy to ride in and drive them thus cutting down on the running in the aisles. With the kids contained and the moms happily tipsy, sales will soar! (You will be bigger than that OTHER store that is trying to take over the world while giving you a fungal disease.)

It is a great win win situation for everyone, especially us moms who are tired and weary when we get to your store with our list. One little sip of liquor would make us again happy to shop at Target every day of the week!

Sincerely,
Mrs. Faith Tantrum
Haggard Stay At Home Mom

Blah, Blah, Blah, COLD, Blah, Blah

I don't know how many of you realize that it is JUNE already, but it is. Those of us here in the NW are not really all that happy with Mother Nature right now, as it seems that the East coast is in the upper 90's while we are bundled in our winter parkas and cashmere sweaters with fires roaring. (I am not kidding, it is that cold.)

Now we are used to rain until July 5th. That is not a big deal, but when the daily high is below the average LOW you have a problem. It isn't even showing signs of clearing up soon which is making everyone ruder and crabbier than normal.

We are going to bed early here at the Tantrum house, and have been eating hearty meals of casseroles and soups to try to keep warm. It is ridiculous to be cooking like this, and that garden that we planted is pretty much never going to come in.

Hopefully though the tide will turn and it will be hotter than the hubs of hell. Which is fine with me, because at this point I would seriously LOVE to step outside and have sweat drip down my boobs, that would mean we could finally burn off some energy in the wading pool and on the slip and slide that are collecting dust in the garage!

He Fought The Birds...and The Birds Won

When we moved into our house almost 10 years ago there were few houses here. There were no town homes or condos behind us, and in fact is was just a large forest full of wild creatures. As time progressed, though the forest became said town homes and condos and the birds and other wildlife was displaced.

The birds (barn swallows) nested a few times on our front porch, which was sweet and very endearing to me. There is something walking out the front door on a warm spring morning and hearing the peep peep peep of baby birds and then being dive bombed by their mother.

They have since nested across the street, and next door, and left us out of the dive bombing peep peeping action. Which was fine, because with an infant I am sure that I would have gone crazy and tried to dive bomb that mother bird myself. Now that I am older, and have a very curious 4 year old who loves animals this is a great chance to see how birds build nests, and see how baby birds hatch.

Hubby isn't down for any of this educational fun. He thinks that this is the most annoying disgusting thing on the planet and has spent the better part of the last week swearing and tearing down the half built nests from the front door. He has placed all kinds of "obstacles" in their way to prevent them from building. At first they knocked them down, now they have taken to including them - I am sure for structural stability - in their design.

The smoke that was billowing out of Mr. Tantrum's ears this morning was monumental! He tore down the nest and stormed off to work. When I took Bacon to school the nest was again half built. They are determined, and I am determined now to let them. Hubs got a message stating that he could sleep in the driveway if he tore down another nest. He said that it was fine, but I would have to explain if there was a dead bird on the porch, or if Bacon's eye got poked out by a lunatic bird mother.

Fine with me! Heck that would be AWESOME...it would finally be the blog post that got me featured on BlogHer!

Come As You Are

Sweetney dared me...I did it.

I took this picture tonight after hours at the horrible Great Wolf, no shower, matted down hair, no makeup and migraine.

Does this prove that I love you now Sweetney? Because I totally do.

Now all of you go play right now too. Leave her a comment that you are playing, and me one too!

I am going to kick this migraine's ass.

It's Like Vegas, Except You Can't Get Drunk

We just returned from our overnight trip to Great Wolf. The good news is that Bacon had a delightful time, and LOVES swimming more than "ANYTHING IN THE WORLD MOM!" The bad news is, that place sucks ass and the women who wrote this were obviously high, or drunk or maybe paid to say that it was great.

The room was not cheap, but we figure that they charge $30 a person if you go to the water park if you know someone staying there, so that was $90 of the $220 which made the actual room $130 for the night. Which isn't that bad, if the room had been clean and everything had been working.

If this place was an older resort I would understand stuff being broken, but the hotel opened in March 2008 which was three months ago. The light over the vanity took over 10 minutes to get operating, the television in the "wolf den" or kids room had the power button on front broken off, and the remote was missing. When we called the front desk for help, we were told that they were out of remotes and to turn it off we would have to unplug it. There was also no DO NOT DISTURB sign anywhere to be found.

Oh, and next to the Queen Bed there were a little pile of goldfish crackers on the floor in case we got hungry in the night!

I do give them credit for having a room available when we got there at 1:30 and we were able to check in and go straight to the water park. Bacon had us playing for 4 hours, and never in my life have I seen him that excited/happy/thrilled to be somewhere.

When we realized that his armband (which you have to have on to get anywhere - supposedly, no one ever checked this while we were there - and can also serve as your door key, room charge etc) the front desk gladly replaced it for us. Also, the buffet the staff was very helpful when Bacon wanted to check stuff out, and someone even made sure that he had some "sandwiches" to stuff in mom's purse for the ride home.

The beds were terrible, there were no extra pillows or blankets in the rooms - but we did have 10 million towels! At 10:30pm the fire alarm went off on one of the floors for over 30 minutes before they got it turned off. I know that they have to have the fire department turn it off and inspect to make sure that things are okay, but a phone call to say "Hey, everything is okay, the building is not burning down," would have really eased my already frazzled nerves.

This morning before check out, the boys were in the shower, and I was watching TV when the door started to open. I went to find out what was going on (we still had over an HOUR until checkout) it was a lady from the hotel to inspect the room. She stared at me and then her sheet, and mumbled something about being on the wrong floor. Um, an apology there would have been nice! (Also, had we had that dang DO NOT DISTURB sign this wouldn't have been an issue!)

There is not a lot to do there beside the water park. There is an arcade, which is great if you have older kids. They also have a (really really annoying) magic quest game that you can play (if you purchase a $25 wand that activates any of the 10,987,643 animatronics around the lodge). It was a great game for older kids, but does not fit with the theme of the hotel. Also it SCARES THE CRAP OUT OF MOST OF THE TODDLER SET! They also have the lovely XM Radio (which I am a fan of) piped so LOUD through the lodge that you cannot even read the paper without thinking, "Damn, I was in the 6th grade when this song was popular!" Not a relaxing time.

There is a Starbucks, and the restaurant does feature a TON of kid friendly food. Bacon had Kraft Mac and Cheese for dinner that came with a lemonade and baby carrots and dip for $5. They have a fun appetizer plate with ants on a log, banana "sushi" and more. This is great because the adults can eat adult food, and the kids can eat crappy kid food without any drama!

There is no room service. There is one bar in the pool, but you have to sit in a tiny area to have a $10 frozen drink or beer. (And this bar doesn't have posted hours, so you know whenever they feel like opening it they do, I guess.) I did manage to get a crappy glass of wine with my dinner. There is a ton of junk food, a Pizza Hut Express, and Dippin Dots which cost $4 a pack.

I am glad that we went, and that Bacon had a great time. I am not sure that we will be returning any time soon to this particular location, I do know that I am writing a letter to the management because I cannot be the only one who is not cool with all of this.

I do know too that Bacon is so proud of being a Big Boy that he no longer wants to sleep in my bed, and that alone may have been worth the $500 that I shelled out for all of the "fun" that we had in 24 hours.

WOW! Just, WOW!

I came across this while taking a peek in over at iAsshole. Since I am a slightly obsessive knitter I may appreciate this more than most of you, but if any of you remember my bikini knitting fiasco from last summer you may find it entertaining. If you are easily offended, just skip this altogether and come back tomorrow when I am not jacked up on Sudafed and ice cream.

Also Mom, this now means that you can NEVER make fun of my endless knitting again, because I am never going to make anything like this ever!

The Secret Is In The Sauce

It's not what you think! Seriously. (Although, I can tell you that if you slip pureed veg into the spaghetti sauce no one will be the wiser. Even your most picky of eaters!)

There is a great place that my friend Insane Mama turned me on to. It is called The Secret Is In The Sauce, and they are running a contest. You should go check it out and enter. But keep in mind that I am going to win, because I can FEEL it in my ulcerated tonsil.

Check out Insane Mama and The SITS gals. It'll be fun, and entertaining for you until I get back from the grand Water park Nightmare that starts tomorrow afternoon!

Stolen Meme.....

I'm still sick. It feels as if there is a LARGE razor blade jammed in my right tonsil. So I am killing some time with a Stolen Meme and dreaming about being able to swallow my own saliva without dying from pain.

1. Favorite Person - Bacon Bits


2. Favorite Food - Coffee.


3. Quirks about you - Control freak, blabber mouth, worry wart, and I think everyone hates me.


4. How would the person who loves you most describe you in ten words or less? -Crazy, loving, dorky, silly, funny, devoted, obsessive, sensitive, spastic and hard working.


5. Any regrets in life? - Not getting my degree.


6. Favorite charity/cause - Autism Research.


7. Favorite Blog - I have to pick just one? I can't do that...


8. Something you can't get enough of - COFFEEEEEEEEEE!!


9. Worst job you ever had - Fred G. Meyer Service Deli Worker.


10. What job would you pay NOT to have - Colon Cleaner.


11. If you could be a fly on the wall anywhere, where would it be - A Fly? Grody to the Max.


12. ***Breaking News: ***** I don't have diarrhea this week and Bacon hasn't crapped his pants in almost 2 weeks!


13. Guilty pleasure - Twitter.


14. Got any confessions? - I hate the news. I hate watching it, and I hate the newscasters.

15. If you had $1000 to spend on YOURSELF, what would you spend it on - $600 on a BluRay player for Hubs so he will shut up. $400 in the bank.


16. Favorite thing about your house - Vaulted Ceilings, the carpet, my HUGE master suite.


17. Least favorite thing - Minuscule backyard, the Cryptozoic Homeowners Association, the postage stamp sized deck.


18. One thing you are bad at - Pretending I like someone when I don't.


19. If you could change one thing about your current circumstances what would it be - I would buy the dealership completely out from my FIL, make his ass retire, and be done with the whole "Family" aspect of "Family Business"


20. Who would you like to meet someday - George Michael.


21. What makes you feel sexy - a halter top, jeans and strappy sandals


22. Who is your real life hero - My Mom


23. What is the hardest part of your job - Being in charge all of the time. (I'm the MOM)


24. When are you most relaxed - Bed time.


25. What stresses you out - What doesn't stress me out? I have to take medicine for it.


26. What can you NOT live without - Coffee, Bacon, Hubs and my puter.


27. Do you agree or disagree with the recent article that reported that blogs are authored by narcissists - I think it might be true, do y'all think I'm a narcissist?


28. Why do you blog - I love the camaraderie, and I love that I can make you laugh with my stupid little stories, and I love writing.


29. Who are you tagging - Becky, Givyina, Sarah, and anyone else who wants to play along!

What's Your Style?

I found this quiz over at Piglet's place, and couldn't resist passing it on to all of you. It was fun and silly and from the Sundance site! Go try it, and then let me know what your style is!