ToothFire and DamNation

Today I lost my virginity.

Not that one, my dental virginity. I had a root canal that cost half my monthly salary. While I know that I desperately needed it, and the doctor could not have been nicer had he been coated in coffee and handing out cocktails, it is kind of hard to fork over that much money for one stinking tooth.

X-Rays were taken, tooth testing was done -because the whole row of teeth were hurting at this point - with dry ice, some hot welding tool, a piece of cotton that I cannot be entirely certain was not a tampon, and then for good measure they beat the hell out of them with that mirror thing that dentists don't leave home without.

I then got a tutorial on what a root canal looks like, complete with pretend teeth.

I met the doctor, we joked and laughed about migraine medication, and Botox, then they numbed me up with all kinds of stuff. Then I waited. And waited. And waited. Then this lady came in and asked if I had ever had a dental dam in my mouth. No, I hadn't and if it was the thing in her hand I was not going to start today.

That bitch stuffed it in there anyway.

They then drilled and drilled and smoke started billowing out of my mouth along with tiny fragments of my poor little molar. The smell was awful. Still I managed to not have a full fledged panic attack in the chair, and didn't even deck either of them when he got to the gum line and I could feel it.

Quickly they numbed me up some more, and then got back to business.

I was admittedly shaky after that part, but he was quick and it didn't take long to fix. The two dead nerves were removed, the temporary filling was put in and I finally got that horrible latex dam the hell out of my mouth.

He did write me a scrip for pain meds which I promptly had filled. He also handed me another piece of paper with another scrip on it. It reads: "Please eat lots of candy, cookies, donuts and soda. Your teeth are far too nice to have to do this kind of work on. If another dentist has to see you they might try to kill me for not giving you this advice. So please go to bed with a Hershey bar smeared on your teeth or something, for your own safety."

I go back to see him on the 22nd, and this time I can't wait. It turns out that this referral is one that was right on the money!

WFMW

This is another installment of Works For Me Wednesday...brought to you by Shannon at Rocks In My Dryer!!

I just started composting using a bin that my parents abandoned and were kind enough to haul from Oregon to Seattle when they came for their last visit. (It is one of the neat little black ones with a lid and a drawer.) I feel good that I didn't shell out money for a new plastic one, and that I can compost to make fertilizer for our vegetable garden this summer that won't turn us into day glow green aliens.

However, I was left with a little of a stink when it came with what to do with the scraps in the kitchen. Sure those metal pails on line are PRETTY. Sure they would look MARVELOUS on the counter. I know that I WANTED one, but wanting and consuming are kind of silly. What did I have already that I could use? Then it hit me!! I found a large plastic - sort of attractive - Tupperware like container with a lid (because you really need a lid for this kind of thing) and have put it to work!

Now, I have 2 problems solved, I have contained my stink. The container is portable, and it isn't ugly. (Well I guess that is more than 2 problems, but cut me a break I haven't had my morning cappuccino yet!!) I hope this works for you to! Look around, see what you have laying around that you can put to use for your need before you head to the store to BUY SOME MORE...you might just be as surprised as I was with the results!

New Girl In Town

Ladies, I would like to introduce you to a new gal in town. She's funny, she's witty, and she's worried about having to sit all alone at the lunch table. Which I so know that none of you want her to worry about anymore. I didn't.

I know what its like to worry, and feel like you aren't one of the cool kids. Maybe that is why I totally related to her post yesterday.

So go over and say hello to Laurie!! She's funny, and she's got some even funnier stories.

Make her feel at home.

What? Your Conversations Aren't All About Poop

Had you told me 6 years ago that today just about every conversation I have would revolve around someone else's poop, I would have laughed hysterically in your face. I probably would have laughed so hard I would have peed my pants a little and not been able to breathe, and screamed "STOP!! STOP!! YOU'RE KILLING ME!"

Now, I am not laughing. Because the cold hard truth is that when you are a mother just about every conversation you have revolves around poop.

It starts the day that little pink squishy baby is born, and sadly doesn't ever stop. At first it is spreadsheets and charts to track the poopy diapers and their color and consistency, then it progresses into dinner conversations of how many poops there were that day. Somewhere around 2 1/2 it evolves into "Will this child EVER poop in a toilet?"

When potty training does start, you become best friends with M&M'S, and one dollar bills, and other forms of bribery, and in my case the liquor cabinet. Sometimes the potty part isn't a problem, but the POOPING part is. It is a HUGE problem.

Like now. Bacon Bits was potty trained and doing great for over 8 weeks, and then started crapping his pants again. So this week he is home, naked from the waist down so that he can re-learn how to use the toilet. And once again, every damn conversation I have is somehow related to poop.

I like to think that I have become some sort of fecal expert. A diarrhea diagnostician. Something like that to at to my momsume', something MARKETABLE. (Although, who really needs a diarrhea diagnostician? I mean that is sort of self explanatory.)

I do dream of the day that I can talk to my friends and family about something and not have it somehow come back to poop. Like in the good old days, when if someone burst out in "Diarrhea! Cha-Cha-Cha!" it was for fun, not part of a description of the day's activities.

Brutally Honest Monday

I love Mrs. Flinger. (I may have told you that already, like ten zillion times. And I totally don't mean it in a stalker way.) But today's entry capped it off for sure. She and I were indeed separated at birth. And since I don't have dinner guests either, she is more than welcome to bring her crew over any time for a FINGER fest extraordinaire!!

That being said, she wants a peek into my real life. (GASP, HACK, SEIZURE.) Okay, okay...I'll share. My house may look clean and semi organized, granted you probably shouldn't kiss the dog or eat off the floors, but the closets are something akin to the Temple of Doom. Even the three car garage can't hold a car because it is crammed full of so much useless crap.

Hubby and I are pack rats. We throw stuff in the closets vowing that we will organize, donate, and toss the stuff soon. Then we get distracted by something shiny or caffeinated, and forget about the things stuffed into the closet.

We are both aware that this behavior is RIDICULOUS. We have a beautiful home, and make good money, and we have more that we should really want or need. So why are we hanging on to the paper hats that we got at 7-11 6 years ago? I don't know. I don't even know where they are! I do know that it is probably laziness, guilt that the cleaning would take away from time we should be spending with Bacon Bits, etc.

I also found out that Bacon Bits has picked up this habit, keeping bottle tops, twist ties and other horrible broken pieces of crap hidden in his bed. So maybe it is time to stop feeling guilty, and start cleaning out those closets and the garage. Maybe by finally acting like GROWN UPS and setting a good example, Bacon won't one day be blogging about his CLOSETS OF DOOM.

My Dog Eats Crap

Tonight I came downstairs to the horrible odor of Bacon's poop. (I know it was his because it has the odor of the undead.) I was irate of course, because Hubby was sitting on the sofa slack jawed watching TV while Bacon was breaking all hell loose.

I should have known though that it wasn't NEW poop.

I should have remembered that there were a couple of pairs of crap encrusted underpants in the powder room. (Because yes, much to my chagrin, we are back to crapping our pants ALLTHEDAMNTIME, despite being potty trained.)

Of course I am a mom now, and I can hardly remember my own goddamn name let alone that we left dirty underwear somewhere that a dog could get it.

However I did leave crappy underwear where a dog could get it, and get it she did! Her face and feet are covered in poop. Her breath reeks of poop. Now my carpet and family room reek of poop too.

Someone just shoot me now. This is seriously more than I can handle anymore.

Sunday Stew

Being Sunday, and being sufficiently worn out I thought that I would start a new "round up" of sorts. I will highlight some dang funny stuff I read this week and fill you in on some other really lame stuff that has been dancing around in my head.

Oh, and of course if you're wondering why I am not blogging about last night's Supercross adventure. Well I am now taking the stance of my friend Giviyana "If I Don't Blog About It, It Didn't Happen." (Yes, it was THAT bad. And no I am in NO MOOD to talk about it.)

This week The Blogess had a dang funny idea of how to save the economy, as well as the funniest introduction I have ever read. (Which prompted me to then use the word vagina in every conversation I had the rest of the day.) She is a funny lady.

Also, Giviyana reassured me that my son is not the only one who drives his mother mad while dinner is prepared. It is pretty much a GLOBAL CONSPIRACY among the under 5 set. They really are trying to kill us all before bed time.

Last but not least, to round out everything - is a great site that has pictures and quotes...stuff that will make you both scratch your head and pee your pants laughing all at the same time. It's from one of the boys that I am in love with right now from You Look Nice Today. (About emotional hygiene, with LOTS of swearing.)

Now if you will excuse me someone needs me to wipe their ass.

Phlegm, Hammers, And Weird Blinking

I am producing an obscene amount of phlegm these days. I think it might be allergies, but it could also be the raging infection festering in my mouth jacking up my whole body. I am sure that I will probably die or spontaneously com bust before I even make it to the dentist on Wednesday. (That could just be my wildly overactive imagination, but one can NEVER be certain about these things.) It is not fun.


Everything tastes like crap, or dirt or crappy dirt. Neither of which I enjoy.


Bacon Bits has also taken to peeing his pants again. Which has me about as pissed off as the fact that I discovered that when he does make it to the toilet in the powder room he is not really peeing in the toilet, but in fact peeing all over the wall!! I know that this happens with boys and husbands sometimes. They have a hard time aiming that thing....especially you know since they use BOTH HANDS while they go...but seriously, this is so bad that I might have to call in the HAZMAT team to clean up the joint.


He did use the rest of his birthday money today to buy some tool set from Ace (the CRAPPY hardware place) and is now racing around hammering the SHIT out of everything in the house. All while blinking and nodding like Barbra Eden in I Dream Of Jeanie. (I think that he is trying to wink at me, but it is creepy either way.) Hopefully by the end of the day he will have blinked the house so clean we can eat off of the floors, and he will have also blinked up a babysitter and a 7 course dinner for daddy and I.


We are venturing out tonight to Super cross with Bacon. It will be his first trip, and my first trip in 11 years. I am excited to see all of our Yamaha cronies that I don't get to see anymore because I am constantly potty training, and fighting over pooping your pants. Plus the FREE FOOD AND ALCOHOL will be worth the trip.


Hopefully, tomorrow will not be as weird. I think that this SUNSHINE that we are experiencing may have something to do with Bacon acting like a total and complete moron, but he was born into it, so I can't be entirely certain that the sun or moon have anything to do with it.

What Keeps Me Up At Night

Today as I was driving to the chiropractor I got caught in the LOVELY Seattle traffic. I am changing my whole mindset on this from freakthefuckout, to "cool, a chance to slow down and relax" because I so need to relax a little more. So as I was relaxing I realized that I was behind a boatload of semis with interesting mud flaps.

I wish that I could report that they were the sexy naked ladies, or something like that. But they were ads for parts dealers, and trucking companies. Normally not the kind of thing that catches my eye, but one said "Fontana Truck Parts."

I thought maybe I was huffing a few too many tailpipe fumes so I asked Hubby to verify, and indeed it said FONTANA. Not MONTANA. FONTANA. I don't know if this was a play on words, or if this is an actual place, but damn...now I have to find out.

I mean it will bug me FOREVER if I don't figure out where it is. Stuff like this keeps me awake at night. Not important stuff like whether or not I remembered to set the alarm clock or pay the mortgage, but stuff like "Where is Fontana?" and "Was Nero the one that peed on the side of the road while Rome burned?"

That's the stuff that keeps me up at night.

Cracker Jack

I went to the dentist today. The pain was far too bad to ignore any longer, and Sarah made some very convincing points about why a ROOT CANAL was necessary. (THANK YOU SARAH!) So I went in at 8 am for my "emergency" visit.

I filled out my medical history, they took x-rays and the doctor came in to do his exam. (His exam consisted of banging on my teeth with that mirror really hard by the way.) I was SURE that he would be able to fix this pain today, that I would head home drooling on myself but finally free of the pain. I was apparently huffing something.

He was NOT able to do anything other than conclude that I have a slight cavity in a molar, that is "not a big deal," and that I need to see and endodontist to evaluate if I need a root canal.

I left having only paid $39 and wasting an hour. Perplexed, because I was brought up to believe that dentists were able to perform all things like fillings, crowns, root canals, and the like. I knew that if you needed oral surgery you had to see a surgeon, or if you needed braces you needed an orthodontist. Never in a MILLION years did I know that a dentist couldn't do a root canal if you needed it.

So next Wednesday I go see the "specialist" and he will take care of me. I guess that the good news is that my FIL now has a fire lit under his butt to get us on the dental insurance before then. And the receptionist was VERY helpful at getting me in as soon as possible.

In the meantime I will sit here with a tooth ache, rubbing Orajel on my gums, putting frozen corn packs on my face, and staying away from crunchy foods. Maybe it will be like some magical new weight loss program. "The tooth ache diet" I am sure that it will sweep the nation just like that Beach one did a few years ago, or maybe be even bigger like that no carb one was!! Then I will be RICH and famous...or at least rich enough to pay for all the dang dental work that I now need.

Or maybe rich enough to get a better dental degree than the dentist I saw today. Seeing as his was just something he won out of the bottom of a box of Cracker Jacks.

WFMW

It's Work's For Me Wednesday again, and while I am a little late getting in on the action today, I do have a great tip for helping Toddler's - are they still Toddler's when they are 64? - eat good snacks and help themselves.

It is the snack drawer. This is actually something that my mom used a million years ago when I was a kid, and was GREAT. It is great for Bacon, because he is a "Big Boy and can do it himself" and is nice for those days when I am knocked out with a migraine, or buried under a pile of work. The shelf is a drawer here, and it is filled with fruit, cheese, lunch meat, carrots, celery, juice boxes and other healthy treats. It is easily accessible for him, and everything in there is GOOD for him, and are things that he likes.

Starting this even at age 2 is a good idea. This way they can learn what is theirs, and what healthy snacks are. This has been great for Bacon Bits, because he has definitely inherited the snacking gene from Hubby's family. And it has been great in instilling great eating habits in him as well. I can't tell you how many birthday parties we have gone to where he has requested a piece of fruit over a piece of cake!!

So start small, but start with something. And it doesn't have to be fully stocked to the brim either. The great thing about kids is that (most of the time) they won't gorge themselves, and most of them won't starve themselves either.

This Works Great For Me, and I hope it Works For You Too!!

Flying Off The Handle...I Do It Well

Okay, so I was Hot yesterday. And as most of you have pointed out I had every right to be in the protective momma bear mode. I also hadn't spoken to the teacher, only the teacher's aide, and didn't have the whole story - like I said drop off and pick up is something akin to an Ozzy concert, and I wasn't about to keep him there sobbing like he was. So this morning calmed and somewhat refreshed (He fell asleep at 7:30 last night and was bright eyed and bushy tailed at 4am!!) I headed into class early to talk to his teacher.

She greeted me and apologized for what happened yesterday. She also hugged Bacon and told him how wonderful he is. Which made me feel a whole lot better about leaving him there.

Apparently he didn't want to come in from outside yesterday, which happens a lot, and the aide rather than saying something like, "Okay, if you don't get in line you won't be able to get the GREEN spot at the snack table." She took away snack. And at that point it was too late for the teacher to rescind what the punishment was in front of the whole class, I mean I know what that would have done....made her authority totally and utterly useless for the next three months.

So it was agreed that they would discuss not taking snack away from any of the children. (Did I mention that he refused to eat the rest of the day because he didn't deserve to? Yeah, that was NOT FUN.) And that they would find alternate ways to keep his behavior in line.

I feel better having talked to her, and I am glad that I didn't stay and get all hysterical and stuff after class. Getting the perspective of a night helped to be better able to discuss it like a grown up today. (Because I AM THE GROWN UP. I AM THE MOMMY. Even if I feel like I am still about 16 most of the time, and have no clue what I am doing.)

I am also glad that she understood why we don't take food away as a punishment - it isn't effective, and it can set kids up for eating disorders etc. - we only take treats away. Candy and stuff that is an incentive and sometimes snack can overwhelmingly be taken away for bad behavior any day! Luckily he isn't too into that stuff.

So lesson learned. Get all the facts, talk to the TEACHER, and be sure that everyone understands that while your child seems normal, he is a little different because of his Autism, and because of that his discipline needs to be a little different too.

What In The Hot Hell?

Okay, so Bacon has been a bit difficult as of late. I admit that. He has also been getting up at the crack of dawn and playing for a couple of hours before it is time to go to school, which could have contributed to the problems today, but somehow I doubt it.

I took him to school despite the fact that he has repeatedly said that he didn't want to go. I knew that if I gave into that now, he would remember it when he was 42 and we would never get to the 3rd grade. Today it may have been a better choice to keep him home.

I was informed at pick up that he lost snack because he was "making bad choices." WTF? Was he smoking a joint? Did he proposition someone for sex in the restroom? Did he SELL drugs at recess? Did he take a shit on the teacher's desk? Those my friends are bad choices. Hell hitting another student is a bad choice. Do you want to know what the bad choice was that got him in time out during snack? He dropped his coat on the floor after recess and wouldn't pick it up.

Yes, you heard me correctly. He dropped his coat on the floor and wouldn't pick it up.

Now I am not condoning this behavior, but the class has 14 students and about 7 of those need help constantly with EVERYTHING. Bacon is not one of them. Also the cubby's are crammed together right by the door, so arriving and leaving are more than overwhelming and chaotic. He easily could have hung it up and it dropped, or it got knocked out I don't know I wasn't there.

Honestly in a room full of 14 kids under the age of 4 the noise is more than obscene. He may have not heard the teacher, or he may have been willfully disobedient. Again, I wasn't there, I don't know.

I do know however that all of the other 13 kids got to eat peanut butter sandwiches in front of Bacon. I do know that he left the building in tears. I do know that he was upset that the newest addition to the class has again spent the day punching him in the head. I do know that she should not be in this class but the other class geared more toward children with VERY SPECIAL needs.

Most of all I know that I am so angry I can't see straight. And it's probably a good thing that we were the first ones to get out of there today. Otherwise I may have said some things to her that I would have regretted.

Still 64

Bacon is still insisting that he is 64. He has also taken to the sleeping hours of an old man. To bed at 8pm and up at 6am. Which would be fine, if I also went to bed at 8pm, but I don't so that 6am wake up call is a little more than annoying. (Mom, if you are thinking that this is payback for me being bad at some point in my childhood. Point taken, I am sorry.)

He also told his teacher that he is 64, and got irate when she joked that he couldn't be older than her. It must be that old man crotchetiness setting in.

I don't know if it was the big weekend or the full moon or what but he has been hell bent on destruction. Seeing how good things have been lately I didn't expect this. I certainly thought that we were past all of this. I apparently shouldn't be thinking - AT ALL. Bacon is destroying the family room, jumping off of coffee tables onto the sofa, banging his head into the walls and screeching like a feral cat.

I suppose that it would be expected that after a few great weeks that we would hit a road block or two. I knew that we were past the "terrible twos" and the "torturous threes" so what does that make four? FREAKTASTIC? FRANTIC? FLABBERGASTING? I just don't know, but if it is nearly as hard as three I might just be dead before Christmas.

"Look on the bright side" Hubby said, "you are at least getting great blogging material."

At this rate I am getting enough material to write a BOOK on why couples should remain childless. Or at the very least hire someone to raise their children for them.

And The Winner Is.....

After a lot of voting, (all 12 of you) and tallying, Toddler officially gets his new name today. Seeing that he turned 63 yesterday, it is appropriate that I stop calling him Toddler, and from now on he will be called BACON BITS!!! Thanks to all of you who voted, this was the overwhelming winner with 8 votes!! Ham bone got 2, Beefcake got 1, and Mr. Muscles got 1 as well.

This was indeed a BUSY and fun weekend. Fishing and playing and family, I couldn't have planned a better party. It was also great to see my parents, whom we hadn't seen since Christmas!! Now we have to get into a routine of seeing them again more than once every 4 months!!

I know I mentioned yesterday that I caught a fish, so here is a dorky picture of me hamming it up for Bacon Bits to remember. (You can laugh at me. But I will only allow it this ONE TIME.) And no I didn't touch that fish...I left that up to my dad. Since Hubby was in the bathroom and all with Bacon. (Yes, I know I look like crap in that picture. Why don't you go out in 30 degree weather and see how great you look fishing at a TROUT FARM!)

We ate those fish last night. They were good, but no one told me what a pain in the ass scaling fish is. And while my mom mentioned that they had a lot of tiny bones, I didn't think that they had that MANY. Maybe next time we will fish for salmon, at least those are easy to fillet. Trout are not so easy to fillet, and they are really only good pan fried - which is probably the reason that I ended up sick and in bed at 8pm.

Today is a great day though. It is not snowing so far - THANK GOD - and I am hoping to get to the nursery to get some vegetable starts for the garden as well as watermelon and pumpkin seeds. Bacon is DYING to get the garden started now that he has a watering can, shovel and rake. Heck he a Hubby were out there last night in the freezing cold before the hail hit weeding the garden. And truthfully if we don't get the stuff started soon we will have another stubby pumpkin come Halloween.

Stay warm and dry, pray that we get some heat here. I am starting to doubt this whole "Global Warming" crap everyone is going on about. I mean seriously isn't it supposed to be HOTTER and DRIER if the earth is heating up so much? If that is the case, someone needs to check their math.

Happy 64th Birthday!!

Happy Birthday Buddy! Today you are 4. Although you have been quite insistent all weekend that you are in fact 64, and if that is the case you seriously need to tell me who has been doing your Botox, because you look AMAZING for 64.

We spent this weekend with Nana and Papa, and went fishing at a nearby trout farm. You used the new Scooby-Doo fishing pole that you bought with the money that Great Grandma sent you. You caught 2 fish in a matter of minutes and were thrilled. (I'm sorry I forgot. It was 64 fish.) You also told the fish that were flipping out in the bucket to "HOLD STILL!" and when then continued you yelled louder, "I TOLD YOU TO HOLD STILL!" Those guys listened after that second warning.

Here is a picture of you with your fish:

Your uncle and aunt and cousins came up for presents and cake and food. You all had so much fun you couldn't see straight. And when it was time for them to go back home you were all so sad, it broke my heart. I am glad that you love them so much though.

You have been such a joy for Daddy and I these past 64 years. I don't know what I did before you were here. And you have changed so much from my itty bitty baby into a Big Boy who is so fun and silly.

You love to sing and dance and to tell Daddy and I how to drive. You love playing outside, and playing with your friends. You love trains, and racing, and you just adore preschool. It's amazing to watch you grow and change into a little man. And I love that you help me cook and clean around here, you are quite the helper these days.

So little man, next year, on your 70th birthday - apparently you age in DOG years and not Human ones - we will have more fun. Until then we will play and laugh, and sing and snuggle, and never forget that you will always be Momma's little baby. And I will love you forever no matter what.

The Home Stretch

This is it. Just a little over 48 hours and my Toddler will be 4. He will also be getting his new name. I really do wonder where all the time has gone.

Four years ago we were frantically emptying the house of furniture and ripping out carpet in a record breaking heat wave, so that the installer could lay the new carpet. Then we reloaded all the furniture and got everything back in order just in time to head off to the hospital and be induced.

Those were the days. Frantic, crazy childless days.

Now they are frantic crazy tantrum filled days. And honestly I wouldn't trade them for the world. (Seriously, I wouldn't. Okay, maybe a few of the REALLY REALLY bad tantrums I would gladly trade for a bottle of Merlot and some alone time with my husband and a good old boxing match.) But Toddler is the most entertaining crazy little guy I know.

I don't remember much of that first year. Post partum depression that kicked in late, and then acid reflux that went undiagnosed forever, with a lack of sleep made everything a bit blurry. But even so I am finding that I am loving this age more than anything. He helps me. Like Secret Agent Josephine said "It feels like we're a team." And it really does.

I know that in a few years he won't want to help cook dinner, or do the grocery shopping and that is okay. But for now I will take it. My little man being a "big boy" and a helper. And mostly mom's entertainment committee.

What Will They Think Of Next?

As I was stuffing goodie bags last night for Toddler's birthday party this weekend I came across some great stuff. (Don't worry, there are 3 bags. 1 for Toddler, and 2 for his cousins. We are having a WILD party this year.)

Mostly though, I found some great gifts for my good friend Giviyna. I was feeling particularly blue that she does not live around the corner, but instead in AUSTRALIA, which is like an eleventy-billion hour plane ride from here. I did email them to her, and when she was done laughing hysterically, she said, "What a great idea for a blog post!!"

And seeing of her recent plight this was entirely appropriate, if not a little mean.

May I introduce to you Parasite Pals!! These fun accessories feature a fun little line of life's more annoying creatures, in easy to use daily items. The creatures featured are: Dig Dig the head louse, Blinky the eyelash mite, Zzeezz the BED BUG, Tickles the tapeworm and Heidi the adorable host.

Here are just a few of the LOVELY items available for your enjoyment:

Pencil Case Reads: Good Day. Tapeworm of the tickles. The stomach of living within Is for fun. Likes much the good food. Great friends are we to the extremity. Love me Tapeworm.

Notepad:The sleepy time of night is the hour we bite!

Key Chain Light: When You are Sleeping I am Biting!

Car Air Freshener: Eraser: Key Chain Notepad

Also available in patches, purses, address books, and much much MORE!! The sheer ability to horrify your child's teacher's are endless. The hilarity of it all is abounding. And who couldn't resist those adorable little parasite faces?

Really, how scary is a tapeworm with giant eyes? And is a sleeping bed bug all that terrifying? I think not.

Works For Me Wednesday

Okay, Shannon over at Rocks in My Dryer has this AMAZING thing called Works For Me Wednesday. It totally is a saving grace for anything that you want to save time on. I so want to play.

So here is my WFMW addition. Shout Color Catchers. These little bad boys have saved many a white shirt from turning purple and many of Hubby's underpants from turning pink. (Not something that my monkey wrench loving Hubby likes to wear.) They also help me out on those occasions that every load doesn't get absolutely sorted perfectly. Best of all I am not out $50 for pants or sweaters or anything that has been ruined by bleeding colors!!

How exactly how they work is a mystery to me. But they work and that is all I need to know.

I stock up on these at my local Le-boutique-De-Target, and one box has 24 cloths in it. That is 24 loads for the low price of about $3.50. (And there usually is a coupon inside the box for .55 cents off, so it is about $2.95 the next time I head out to buy them.) Seeing that this has saved me in the whole not loosing clothing arena, that little extra addition to doing laundry is a small price to pay.

Also it was great when Toddler was a baby and we couldn't wash his baby clothes with ours, because Daddy's clothes inevitably have some sort of chain lube, battery acid or gasoline on them. We were able to toss in all of the colors in together in one load - and BAM nothing was ruined, and everything was clean.

To check out these little bad boys and other great products from SC JOHNSON (a family company - ha ha - too much TV viewing eh?) go to http://www.shoutitout.com/

CRAP!

Yes my friends, we are back to crapping our pants, courtesy of his trip to Oregon. I am not sure what it is about him going down there that makes him loose his ever loving mind, but he always does and comes home with some weird new habit. This time he has come back shitting himself.

If we had just finished potty training I would be okay with this. If he had been all over the country and couldn't get to a restroom, I would understand. He was with family, at their house so there really is NO EXCUSE for this. He has had no problems for almost 2 months.

Now I am back to washing out shitty underpants, and bartering with a CHILD about where we do and do not poop.

So much for that whole In Which The Sad News That I'll Probably Never Post About Poop Again Makes The Light Of Day. So much for just 7 pairs of Toddler underwear in a week. So much for a life free of cleaning the carpet every day.

Hopefully he will turn around quickly. Hopefully this will not last. And hopefully Nana can watch him if Daddy and I win that trip to Hawaii. Because after this, I am never leaving him alone with the in laws again!!

Five More

Alright. I've been tagged for a meme and since I want all my new friends to keep playing with me after school I'm going to suck it up and do it.

This one is from Backpacking Dad, and it's Five Classes You Wish They'd Taught In School.

1. How to keep the laundry from multiplying at night.
2. How to sleep with a Toddler and Husband in your bed with them hogging all the covers.
3. How to go to Target and not spend $100.
4. How to not go insane playing Thomas the Tank Engine with your obsessed son.
5. Why Star Wars is relevant, and why my Husband is OBSESSED with it.

So, I have to tag somebody (5 somebodies, I suppose) so:

1. Givinya (Let's hope it doesn't involve parasites!!)
2. Sarah
3. Mrs. Flinger (Because she'll come up with something about PROM I'm sure)
4. Musing
5. Motherhood for Dummies

Fun Monday!!!

This week's Fun Monday is a really simple one:

FIVE PICTURES - FIVE WORDS PER PICTURE.

Any 5 (FIVE) pictures, any subject, and any 5 (FIVE) words to describe and/or explain each picture.

CAN YOU DO IT???

1. The elephant takes a nap.

2. Falling asleep at the wheel.

3. There's bacon in this sandwich!!

4. Do you like my disguise?

5. We match for the show.

Tooting My Horn

Hey you guys....I am so freaking flattered right now I can hardly breathe!!

My favorite site Good Mom/Bad Mom featured one of my posts on their Bloggy Sunday feature!! I mean this is Jenny The Blogess and is in the HOUSTON CHRONICLE!!

Pretty sweet.

Don't you think?

Either way, check out all of the other people they recognized too. (My favorites were: Read This Right Now, My Ass Has Turned On Me, Are Bert and Ernie Gay Brothers, and Murdering Elmo.)

Okay, I am done tooting my horn. Please return to your normal business.

Things I Should Be Doing On A Sunday

There are a lot of things I should be doing this Sunday, but I am not doing one of them. I feel like crap, am home alone and am using the quiet time to watch movies on the Lifetime Network.

So here is the list of things I should be doing today that I am not.

- Sewing bumper pads for my niece.
- Cleaning the guest room for the company that is coming next weekend.
- Doing laundry, because it multiplies in the dark here the same way that bunnies do.
- Ordering a cake from Dairy Queen for Toddler's 4th birthday next weekend.
- Ordering a 4 foot Sub Sandwich for the party. Specific instructions from Toddler: BACON, LOTS OF BACON!!
- Humidifying my clogged lungs and nose of this gunk or whatever it is.
- Pretending that I am a good wife and baking and cooking dinner.

There are probably a hundred more things that I can add to that list, but whatever. I feel like crap and I am going to go lay down until Toddler comes home.

George

I love George Michael. I have since the first time I heard him sing "I'm Your Man" on the radio when I was in grade school. I almost fainted the first time I saw him on TV. He was my man. I have followed his career my whole life, and never has my love for that man waned.

Today it is sunny and 75 in Seattle. (Yes, I think it is a MIRACLE.) I can't work in the yard as I am allergic to everything outside (except for pig weed - whatever that is) and am MISERABLE with red itchy eyes, a sore throat and a stuffy nose. So I have the windows open and am trying to finish the baby quilt I have been working on forever with not much success.

The good thing about being home alone is that the stereo is top of the line and I can plug in my iPod and rock the joint. George has been singing to me all day long. It is lovely to work to his music.

Hubby teases me about George and my undying love for a man who is gay. But Hubby did sit with me on that night in 1998 when George announced the inevitable on MTV and hugged me as I sobbed. (Dude, I was so sick and jacked up on meds you could have told me that Al Gore was gay and I would have sobbed.)

He still sits with me and watches Eli Stone on Friday mornings - even though it is ridiculous at times - so I can get a weekly fix. He calls me or records George when he is on TV so I can watch it later. So it must not bother him too much that my boyfriend is a hot British guy with a great smile and an even better butt!!

So today was my day with George. They are few and far between now that I am a mom, but I still try to sneak them in where I can. And I may even get to finally see him in concert when he makes a stop in Seattle in July. (They say it will be his "Final" tour. I doubt it. I hope that he does one more when we are both really old, so I can throw my granny panties at him on stage and embarrass the crap out of my grand kids.)

And no matter what George, I will always love you exactly the same way I did when I was 8 years old.

Turd Farming

We have decided to update our back yard. Currently it is a petrified dog turd farm. We think that changing that might be incentive for our neighbors to finally (after 5 years) to finally take us up on a backyard barbecue.

So Hubby and I went to Lowe's and looked at plants and argued over mulch. (Because when you have been married a long time and you go to the home improvement store, arguments are inevitable. Just take a look at that other couple arguing there on isle 10 over brick pavers.) We did make it home with some lithidora, 4 bags of the mulch I wanted and some moss killer for the grass.

The backyard is still full of rows of petrified dog turds.

We wouldn't want to rush into anything. We did look at trees, although we cannot agree on which one to get. So we won't rush into the landscaping thing just yet. It will be WAY MORE FUN to do it with a 4 year old to help us out anyway. Because nothing can fuel a backyard landscaping argument better than a pissy 4 year old added into the mix screaming for Dora and Sponge bob.

Freedom and Stuff

So my ear is oozing something or another, but it doesn't hurt, so I don't give a shit. There is no pain, so I am happy.

Today we spent almost the entire day in the GODDAMN car with extended family. It was horrible. My head hurts, it was hot in there, everyone kept screaming, it was loaded full of packages from Toys R Us and at one point I had to pee so bad that I seriously contemplated sticking my bare ass out the window on the interstate and let it flow.

But I refrained, because I am someone's mother, and mothers shouldn't moon the free world while peeing on the freeway. (Well, at least not in front of their kids.)

Fortunately, Crazy Aunt Ethel took the Toddler home to Oregon with her until Sunday so I have a few days to talk to my husband and maybe, um, well you know have ALONE time with him. (Wink, wink.) We also will be able to enjoy meals that do not consist of fish sticks, screaming, or other bodily functions.

The testing went well, and we will have results in 2 weeks. (Because you know watching how he interacts takes scoring or something that I don't understand, because I didn't finish college.) Then we can meet our parent coach and get the new skills that we need to work better with Toddler. I am looking forward to that part, less tantrums (for me) and more action all around.

So I am off to spend time with the Hubby. We will probably go to bed early - like us old married people do - and sleep. Because without Toddler in the middle of the bed we will actually be able to get some REAL sleep. And that my friends is a very good thing.

I'm Not Dead

No dear friends I am not dead. I am still in a great deal of pain, but I have birthed a couple of children so what is a little bring you to your knees pain in the ear and face?

I did spend most of yesterday sleeping. Because in the grand pill popping frenzy that is our new 6 am wake up time, I forgot to take my anxiety medication. Normally this isn't a problem, but the medication I take (The only one that works that is) is harder to get off of than Heroin. So if you miss a dose the world crashes around you and you spend the day with a splitting headache and trying not to vomit every time you move.

I am better today. I will not be making that mistake again any time soon, because I DON'T EVER WANT TO FEEL LIKE THAT AGAIN.

Toddler and I have a full day ahead of cleaning and organizing as Crazy Aunt Ethel and he daughter are coming tonight for a visit. We also have his testing tomorrow to determine how much speech and occupational therapy he needs. He of course is doing wonderfully these days, and I am a little worried that he will do too well and they will be all "Um, lady your kid is not in need of any therapy....you're CRAZY" (shh, I know I am crazy lets just not talk about it. Okay?)

So here is a big THANKS to all of you for your feel better thoughts, they are helping and appreciated more than you know. I am going to get better, it is just a matter of when at this point. And maybe I will have a bum ear forever...which would stink but wouldn't be the end of the world, I mean at least I can still type and talk.

I will keep you posted on everything...between loads of laundry and all.

Cellulitis

I went back to the doctor today, with Toddler in tow, because the meds he gave me on Friday were not working and the pain in my ear was in fact getting WORSE.

He said that it was indeed still cellulitis, and that we needed to try ANOTHER antibiotic and a stronger pain med. (You think? Because you know when I told you that I had to stop taking the vicodin because it did nothing I thought maybe you didn't hear me.)

So what is cellulitis you ask? Is it the lovely dimpling on my thighs? Is it a large fat deposit on my ear? No it is none of the above. Cellulitis is a skin infection caused by bacteria. Normally, your skin helps protect you from infection. But if you have a cut, sore, or insect bite, bacteria can get into the skin and spread to deeper tissues. If it is not treated with antibiotics, the infection can spread to the blood or lymph nodes. This can be deadly.

It is good that I didn't look at this definition before today, because that whole "this can be deadly" part would have had me freaking out all weekend. So I have taken the new antibiotics, and the pain meds, which have offered a little relief. And at this point a little relief is better than nothing. (Although I have contemplated all weekend just how much blood would spurt about if I used the hack saw to cut the ear off. I also looked up the methods of getting blood out of the carpet - you know, just in case.)

If this isn't better by Wednesday then it is steroid time...which is good because you know it is baseball season and I have been wanting to bulk up and get my RBI and ERA up...which will help with the inflammation and the swelling. (It will also make me as hungry as a hippo, and as mad as a wet hen. Not a good combination at all.)

I am hoping for the best, and in the meantime will sit watching stupid children's programming with Toddler - he is on Spring Break this week - with a bag of frozen corn on my ear. It is supposed to help with the pain, the way I figure it at least if it doesn't help the pain it can freeze my ear. And a frozen ear is a numb ear.

Put Down The Voodoo Doll

Dear Readers,

Whoever has the voodoo doll of me with the giant spike like needle sticking out of the left ear could you please remove it now? I know that my writing is at times whiny and annoying, and that lately I have been complaining more than my fair share. I apologize. This pain that you have inflicted on me for the last eight days is more than enough, and I will try to do better from now on, getting back to the snarky smart ass posts you have so come to love.

Thank you for taking care of this. My family thanks you, and I thank you. I just can't take another day of this pain or stuff oozing out of my ear canal.

Love,
Faith

Autism Awareness Month

April is autism awareness month for those of you that haven't already heard. April second is recognized as World Autism Day.

Had I been a "good mother" I would have written this entry that day.

Had I been thinking ahead I would have blogged about autism every day this month.

The truth is though that while Toddler has Asperger's and is on the "Autism Spectrum" I am still new to all of this, and we are really fortunate in the fact that he is developing normally - if not for some social issues.

Asperger's is really like the "best" form of autism you could wish for. (And yes, I have tried 3 million different ways to write that and not sound callous or bitchy, but that was the best I can come up with.) The truth of the matter is, you don't want any form of autism, because it really is so scary, and uncertain and life altering.

Trust me, one of Toddler's best friends is on the other end of the spectrum and he says very few words, but that boy is so bright and brilliant - it's almost like he just can't get out all of the ideas that he has inside. Which has to be so frustrating for him, and I know that it is tough on his parents. He is making such great progress though, and that is wonderful to see. That with the right intervention and therapies these kids can come out and we can find what they are best at - and what makes them shine - and nurture it and make it grow.

Even since Toddler has started school the changes are amazing. He now can tell me about his WHOLE day, not just "I played with the toy chest." He sings songs that they learn in circle time, and he teaches us rhymes and stories that they learn. (There was and old woman who swallowed a fly....is his FAVORITE!!) These are things that I NEVER thought he would be able to do....and here we are 4 months into school and he is doing them well!!

I am still scared of the unknown. I don't know if this disease will make him one day shut down and not be able to speak or walk or feed himself again. (Doug Flutie's son went through this at age 2 and is now in his teens. While he lives a full and happy life, he needs constant care.) The chances of that happening are low, but it still scares the crap out of me.

So while I stumble through learning how to parent an "aspie" and how much fun they really are, I still think of all the parents who struggle with all the variations of this disease. I pray that soon we can find the cause and a cure so that our kids won't have to suffer through this with our grandchildren. I will try not to be scared of what tomorrow will bring, because no matter what the future is scary. I will try to be a better mom - but that is sometimes hard too....we all have our days.

Most of all I will remember that Toddler is my gift from God. Together they chose me to be his mom because they knew that I was strong enough to handle this all. And someday I will look back on these Toddler years and miss them - although some days that seems impossible - and long for the kiss snuggle and hug that Toddler gives us every time we ask for a hug.

Don't Let The Bed Bugs Bite

Every night when it is time for bed we say the same things.

"I love you little bear, sleep sweet." I say.

"I love you too momma bear, sleep sweet." Says Toddler.

"Goodnight." I say.

"Don't let the bed bugs bite, momma!!" He giggles.

"Don't let the bed bugs bite!!" I giggle back.

Until lately that didn't really bother me. It was our thing. Something that he only does with momma, and he will give Daddy what for if he tries this exchange. It's cool to pass on something that has been with you since you were a kid to your children. Especially when that thing is as big a part of my life as breathing and coffee.

A couple of weeks ago, I started reading the blog Killing A Fly With A Ukulele Is Probably The Wrong Thing To Do. Now Givinya has opened my eyes to the HORROR of bed bugs. I feel really bad for all of the drama that she has been through, and that she is still going through. Not to mention the 2 toddlers she has in the middle of it all - and the one who prefers pooing on the sidewalk rather than in the toilet, it makes my potty training battles seem tame.

Now when Toddler tells me not to let the bed bugs bite, my skin crawls. And I itch a lot. I guess I am just one of those highly suggestible sorts. You know, the one that sees a show on hamburgers and has to have one right-damn-now. I am also the type known to buy something because it has a "pretty" package.

I am a marketing departments wet dream. And a husband's worst nightmare.

Now I guess I will have to come up with a new good night routine. Although I have no idea what other bug rhymes with sleep tight...maybe you all have some suggestions?

Don't let the tape worm bite? Don't let the botulism bite?

Maybe we should skip the parasites altogether and move on to something more along the lines of "after while crocodile" or "see you soon baboon."

Yeah, definitely something less likely to make me a giant mess of hives.

Now excuse me while I go take another shower. All this talking about bed bugs and stuff has me all itchy and stuff.

The Zoo

I have said it before, but I was reminded today of just how much I HATE THE ZOO.

We took Toddler after school since the sun is shining and it is above 50 degrees here. We THOUGHT it would be a great day for a family outing. We THOUGHT it would be a great day to see the animals. WE WERE FUCKING WRONG.

When we arrived at the zoo there was no parking. All of the lots (Alligator through Fish) were full, and we had to park on the shoulder and hike a half a mile to the gate....no problem the exercise would do us all some good. Then we waited in the membership line for 10 minutes to renew....once inside I remembered that we live in a state with 4 weeks of spring break, and this is week 3.

Children, parents, disgusting teenagers humping each other in broad daylight were everywhere as far as the eye could see. We would be damn lucky by the time we were done if we caught a glimpse of any animal...even the crows that scavenge all the food from the cafes.

Toddler started at the play area. The place that I hate the most. It is intended for LITTLE kids, but there are always parents there sitting on their fat asses letting their older kids steam roll over the little ones. Toddler could not have been happier had he been a pig in shit. I had to bribe him away with ice cream.

We did get to go to the aquarium, which Toddler announced was "Lame" and "Boring" and we did see the elephants and the tiger. (Who did not roar like I thought a Tiger should roar. It was more of a "MOOOOOOOM" kind of thing. Like he was sick.) And I think we saw a monkey. Honestly if we saw more I cannot remember....because the sea of fat white butt cracks and sticky little hands that were ramming into me unattended had me in a sheer state of panic.

Now we are home and I can drink some coffee and relax a bit, and not think about the zoo at the zoo. Next time we go I think we will go when they open...and I will be sure that I am heavily sedated or that my flask is tucked in my purse. Lord knows that the zoo would make a killing if they just would open a bar for us moms who can't tolerate all of the insanity!!

In Which The Sad News That I'll Probably Never Post About Poop Again Makes The Light Of Day

I seriously thought that today would never come. The day when I was able to tell you all that Toddler is potty trained completely and the light bulb has clicked. I passed out on the floor myself when I realized it.

I peed my pants when I realized that he only had 7 pairs of underpants to wash for the week!!

All of my girlfriends had such easy times with potty training I thought that I was a) a total and complete failure b) completely doing it wrong or c) my kid was so stubborn he would be in diapers until he was 63. Everyone kept telling me that he would get it, and that "no one goes to high school in diapers." (Are you sure about that I mean they do make DEPENDS after all.) And as his 4th birthday is fast approaching I was certain that we just weren't going to make it.

But he did, and SURPRISE we survived. (Although I am not sure how.)

Now most days I am beckoned to wipe his butt and analyze what the poop looks like, what shape it is and tell him what a good job he has done. Never in my life did I think that my whole life would revolve around someone else's excrement. But that seems to be what it has come to. That is okay though, because I would rather analyze a 50 foot long toilet turd that scape the stuff off his butt with a putty knife for an hour, and it is easier and less messy than a diaper change.

So my friend's this very well could be my last Poop entry. I know you are sad...as you come here for all of the entertaining poop stories....but somehow with the things that go on around here I know that we aren't totally done with the poop. It is like my new area of expertise or something, so I will probably always have something to say about it now and again.

I Can't Hear You Through The Pain

My head hurts like hell today. I have been in denial for the entire day that it has anything to do with the incident yesterday. Now that I have attempted and failed at every remedy short of cutting my head off to make the pain go away, I see that the huge lump on my head is probably the problem.

Go to the doctor? No, I can't do that...Toddler has 15 Lincoln Logs in his underpants and refuses to put his pants on. And really how can I drive when I have no peripheral vision and things are a bit blurry? It's really not safe.

And Hubby is so busy with work that he hasn't even had time to stop and eat this past week so asking him to take me is out of the question.

So I will sit here and suffer, and hopefully get to bed at a decent hour tonight. If the pain is still killing me in the morning I will make it to see the doctor for a brain scan...you know to make sure that it didn't fall out when I smacked my head with the car door...and some medicine. Worst case he gives me some narcotics and I sit on the couch like a slobbering fool for a couple of days.

Wait, how would that be different from any other day?