It appears that the neglected pugs feel left out of the potty training action of the past few weeks. After collapsing into bed at 10pm promptly last night (I have Toddler's stomach virus it turns out....except I am not shitting my pants every 5 minutes.) hubby tucked in Toddler into the mattress on the floor and came back down to play LEGO FUCKING STAR WARS and PAPER FUCKING MARIO on the WII until 2 am.
He reported to me this morning that Max got up at one point out of a dead dog sleep sauntered over to the wooden step stool that Toddler uses to help out in the kitchen, lifted his leg and pissed on it. Now this I want you to know is the dog that has lifted his leg to pee like 4 times in his 9 years on this earth. This is also the dog that humped my leg for about a week straight before we could convince the vet that SOMETHING HAD TO BE DONE. Then after he healed the little moron humped a stuffed cat bed until his wiener was bloody and raw and nearly hanging off (yes, $500 emergency after hours vet visit....yes WAY before Toddler) so we aren't exactly dealing with the brightest and best of the breed.
Max is however my best dog. He has been quiet and loyal and loving - as long as there are treats involved - and often lives up to his name "Maxwell Smart" from the TV series that Hubby and I adore. (The movie with Steve Carrell will be out ironically on Max's birthday June 20th.) So this outlandish behavior is not only shocking but freaking uncalled for.
I would expect this from Lovey, she was a PAIN IN THE ASS TO POTTY TRAIN, had kidney stones from hell, and has overall been a diva (much like HER namesake Mrs. Thurston Howell III) when it comes to peeing or pooping. She is a lot like CLARA Margo Kaufman's pug, who pooped on her pillow every time she went shopping without her.
I am hoping that it was a late night delirium thing. But from the smell of their bed in the laundry room I doubt it.
Does anyone know how to get the smell of pee out of your nose?
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Poor Poor Pitiful Me.
These days I don't feel at all like my kick ass self. I feel like a beat down old dog who just needs to find a quiet corner of the house to spend a few billion hours alone.
Hubby is back to working those horrible long hours (12 hours a day or more) because we are short staffed, and people are getting tax returns and want to spend their money on toys. Which I can't say that I blame them, I would love to throw our tax refund at something fun like a vacation or jet boat. But we have a house....which I swear always needs something fixed.
I shouldn't complain, I have a great life. But something inside feels empty, lonely and very very spent. I can't put my finger on it - if I could I could flip that switch and fix it. And the fatigue is at highest proportions ever. Maybe a med change is needed. I think that the Lexapro isn't exactly the best fit anymore - I am feeling agitated and irritated over everything. (Leave a half empty glass on the counter? I could knock your teeth out over that one.)
So I guess it is time for a trip to the doctor to discuss another med change, plus I am overdue for a day with Kevin for a haircut....maybe I can sneak a pedicure in with Suki too, that woman does wonders for a pair of tired out feet. (Even if she does remind me of Polly from the show Las Vegas.) Maybe I just need to schedule some more alone time for me, but that I admit is even more depressing...because before I had girlfriends to do stuff with - now not a single one to even call to go out for coffee with. Sad that a grown woman is such a weenie she can't make friends to have coffee with.
Or rather when she does make friends to have coffee with she pisses them off so bad they never want to speak to her again.
Hubby is back to working those horrible long hours (12 hours a day or more) because we are short staffed, and people are getting tax returns and want to spend their money on toys. Which I can't say that I blame them, I would love to throw our tax refund at something fun like a vacation or jet boat. But we have a house....which I swear always needs something fixed.
I shouldn't complain, I have a great life. But something inside feels empty, lonely and very very spent. I can't put my finger on it - if I could I could flip that switch and fix it. And the fatigue is at highest proportions ever. Maybe a med change is needed. I think that the Lexapro isn't exactly the best fit anymore - I am feeling agitated and irritated over everything. (Leave a half empty glass on the counter? I could knock your teeth out over that one.)
So I guess it is time for a trip to the doctor to discuss another med change, plus I am overdue for a day with Kevin for a haircut....maybe I can sneak a pedicure in with Suki too, that woman does wonders for a pair of tired out feet. (Even if she does remind me of Polly from the show Las Vegas.) Maybe I just need to schedule some more alone time for me, but that I admit is even more depressing...because before I had girlfriends to do stuff with - now not a single one to even call to go out for coffee with. Sad that a grown woman is such a weenie she can't make friends to have coffee with.
Or rather when she does make friends to have coffee with she pisses them off so bad they never want to speak to her again.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Just when you think the worst has passed, you get covered in someone else's vomit
I am not good at vomit. I am good at vomiting. But I do not fare thee well when it comes to other people's vomit. That is why when Toddler had the Rotovirus last fall I was THRILLED that he nailed hubby with the puke every time. And Hubby is great about helping clean that up, because he would rather clean it up once than twice.
Then yesterday happened. Toddler had that horrible ass juice and runny poo, but I (being a moron - or something like that) attributed it to the suppository from the night before. We ran a couple of errands and came home then he said he was tired - which was a godsend because my head was killing me - so we laid down in my bed and fell asleep.
We slept for 45 minutes when I was awoken by the splatter of warm stinky vomit on my face. (He has no warning sign other than blue lips and shaking, so if you are asleep you are screwed.) He sobbed because he was COVERED in it...and it stunk and the bed was covered and I couldn't get him in the bathroom fast enough.
Once he was in the shower I stripped the bed, and got all the bedding - except the comforter - in the washer and set to go when he got out. I got him scrubbed down and dressed, and down on the sofa with some Sprite to rest. I swear I still smell like puke today. I think the house smells like puke, but Hubby assures me it doesn't.
Today he is still iffy. He has some diarrhea, and is laying quietly on the couch. I don't know if I will be able to send him back to school tomorrow or not. But I am sneaking Probiotics into his food, and limiting him to the BRAT diet much to his protesting and head banging on the floor. We will see what the day brings.
Let's just hope that I don't have to get all hammered to get the smell of puke out of my nose.
Then yesterday happened. Toddler had that horrible ass juice and runny poo, but I (being a moron - or something like that) attributed it to the suppository from the night before. We ran a couple of errands and came home then he said he was tired - which was a godsend because my head was killing me - so we laid down in my bed and fell asleep.
We slept for 45 minutes when I was awoken by the splatter of warm stinky vomit on my face. (He has no warning sign other than blue lips and shaking, so if you are asleep you are screwed.) He sobbed because he was COVERED in it...and it stunk and the bed was covered and I couldn't get him in the bathroom fast enough.
Once he was in the shower I stripped the bed, and got all the bedding - except the comforter - in the washer and set to go when he got out. I got him scrubbed down and dressed, and down on the sofa with some Sprite to rest. I swear I still smell like puke today. I think the house smells like puke, but Hubby assures me it doesn't.
Today he is still iffy. He has some diarrhea, and is laying quietly on the couch. I don't know if I will be able to send him back to school tomorrow or not. But I am sneaking Probiotics into his food, and limiting him to the BRAT diet much to his protesting and head banging on the floor. We will see what the day brings.
Let's just hope that I don't have to get all hammered to get the smell of puke out of my nose.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
ASS JUICE
I have been absent since Friday because I have been battling Toddler over pooping. (Yeah, I know you are all shocked.) After an emergency trip to Albertson's to pick up Dulcolax and Magnesium Citrate to try to get him to poop. Hubby and Toddler came to blows and Hubby administered a suppository instead. This resulted in Toddler at least pooping some of the rock hard crumbly shit out into the toilet. Now every time the little turd farts he leaks ass juice wherever he sits. HORRIBLE STINKY ASS JUICE.
I think I am going to die from the stench.
Okay, where the fuck was I...I just had to clean up more ass juice and then some runny poop out of the choo choo potty...oh, yeah I am going to die. Somehow the suppository makes the shit smell worse than normal and since it seems to be everywhere now the whole joint stinks like ASS.
But we are out of pull ups, and can go places like the shop, the grocery store and the mall. (Um, we don;t have the chicken pox so we took full advantage of Daddy's days off.) It is like a miracle of GOD or something. Now if I could just get him to stay right beside me and listen better. But that too I hear takes time.
So I will BREATHE deeply (into a non stinky paper bag) and meditate on the thought that Rome was not built in a day. And hopefully the ass juice will be gone by tonight, and we can be back to normal tomorrow. If not he goes back to school on Tuesday and then at least a couple of hours I can scrub that smell out of the house.
I think I am going to die from the stench.
Okay, where the fuck was I...I just had to clean up more ass juice and then some runny poop out of the choo choo potty...oh, yeah I am going to die. Somehow the suppository makes the shit smell worse than normal and since it seems to be everywhere now the whole joint stinks like ASS.
But we are out of pull ups, and can go places like the shop, the grocery store and the mall. (Um, we don;t have the chicken pox so we took full advantage of Daddy's days off.) It is like a miracle of GOD or something. Now if I could just get him to stay right beside me and listen better. But that too I hear takes time.
So I will BREATHE deeply (into a non stinky paper bag) and meditate on the thought that Rome was not built in a day. And hopefully the ass juice will be gone by tonight, and we can be back to normal tomorrow. If not he goes back to school on Tuesday and then at least a couple of hours I can scrub that smell out of the house.
Friday, February 22, 2008
CHICKEN POX?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Hubby called me on his way into the shop this morning after dropping Toddler off at school this, to let me know that he might have the chicken pox. I shook my head twice and looked at the phone funny to make sure I had heard him right.
"Are you sure? He had that vaccination, I paid like $200 for it since the insurance doesn't cover those."
It turns out one of the students in his class (conveniently Toddler's best friend) has it as did his sister at the Valentine's party last week. It also turns out that Toddler was complaining of itching like a fiend last night before bed.
Yes, I did a proper WELL FUCK yell once off the phone. (After all Chicken Pox mean that he - and subsequently I - are quarantined to the house for TWO FUCKING WEEKS. TOGETHER.) I also checked and the vaccine is effective is not 100%. So if he does come down with the pox they will be less harsh than what my brother cousin and I suffered through for 3 weeks in the sweltering summer heat of the early 80's at my grandma's house.
Let's pray that he is itchy because he hasn't dropped a proper turd in the toilet for over 48 hours, and not because he is starting to get chicken pox. I believe that the chicken pox could indeed send me to the funny farm...but only because I would be subjected to a hundred million hours of FUCKING SPONGE BOB SQUARE PANTS cartoons. And a piss poor attitude.
"Are you sure? He had that vaccination, I paid like $200 for it since the insurance doesn't cover those."
It turns out one of the students in his class (conveniently Toddler's best friend) has it as did his sister at the Valentine's party last week. It also turns out that Toddler was complaining of itching like a fiend last night before bed.
Yes, I did a proper WELL FUCK yell once off the phone. (After all Chicken Pox mean that he - and subsequently I - are quarantined to the house for TWO FUCKING WEEKS. TOGETHER.) I also checked and the vaccine is effective is not 100%. So if he does come down with the pox they will be less harsh than what my brother cousin and I suffered through for 3 weeks in the sweltering summer heat of the early 80's at my grandma's house.
Let's pray that he is itchy because he hasn't dropped a proper turd in the toilet for over 48 hours, and not because he is starting to get chicken pox. I believe that the chicken pox could indeed send me to the funny farm...but only because I would be subjected to a hundred million hours of FUCKING SPONGE BOB SQUARE PANTS cartoons. And a piss poor attitude.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
All Choked Up
So mom had her highly invasive esophageal scope today....and she has some high grade acid reflux with gastritis something or another. Bottom line, nothing that won't heal with some meds and some rest in 6-8 weeks!! HOORAY!!
I do feel like a GIGANTIC ASS though for thinking horrible thoughts that it was worse...but I always tend to jump to the worst case scenario I always have. Relieved now I will have a cocktail with my Bacon Cheeseburger - oh, hell I know bad for my ass, but who cares?!? life is freaking short, and I just cooked a whole pound of bacon.
Here's to quick healing. And no more irritation for anyone. And a lot more cocktails for me.
I do feel like a GIGANTIC ASS though for thinking horrible thoughts that it was worse...but I always tend to jump to the worst case scenario I always have. Relieved now I will have a cocktail with my Bacon Cheeseburger - oh, hell I know bad for my ass, but who cares?!? life is freaking short, and I just cooked a whole pound of bacon.
Here's to quick healing. And no more irritation for anyone. And a lot more cocktails for me.
Pennies For Poop
We started out potty training a million years ago (or so it seems because you know it is the most difficult battle of my life) and we have tried EVERY imaginable form of bribery to get Toddler to poop in the potty. I have spent HUNDREDS of dollars on potty chairs, toddler sized urinals and special underpants. I have literally been beat down by the stench of someone Else's shit.
When we decided to try this time we thought about trying a technique that they use at my parent's house for my niece. Poop money. It is simple, you poop in the pot without a fight and you get a dollar for your purse to spend at the store. She loves this because well, she is 6 months older than Toddler, she loves to shop and she doesn't have Asperger's so she gets the whole money concept. But she is afraid of pooping so it has been a 60/40 success...I mean she goes, but sometimes it is a long time between those dollars.
Hubby and I discussed how we would do this...reward him before or make him work for it. (Hubby is of the reward him before camp, because he is not the mean one...I think you should work for it.) So I cashed in some tens for ones at the bank - and came home feeling like a stripper with that big wad - and we were set to go.
Somehow along the way pooping has turned into this:
"MOM!! I HAVE TO POOP!!"
"DON'T WATCH ME!!" (Mildly silent grunting from the bathroom, followed by a GIANT PLOP.)
"MOM, COME LOOK WHAT I DID!!"
"Wow!! Good job buddy!! I am so proud of you!!"
"Go get me a dollar and take a picture!! It's bigger than a South Park turd."
I must admit that my first mistake was taking a picture for daddy to see the poop. Now he expects it every time....and the demanding the dollar thing is a little annoying, because he is all Polly bitchy pants about it. (Then screams about needing help when stuffing it in the puggy bank if it won't go in right, because I don't have enough to do when worrying if that turd he just dropped is going to clog the toilet or not.)
Soon though I hope the dollar thing will disappear, as will the fecal photography...not a task I am all glad to add to my resume. (Although I am sure it could get me some interesting work.) I wish too that we had just started out with pennies for the poop....those are a lot easier to cram into the puggy bank than dollar bills.
When we decided to try this time we thought about trying a technique that they use at my parent's house for my niece. Poop money. It is simple, you poop in the pot without a fight and you get a dollar for your purse to spend at the store. She loves this because well, she is 6 months older than Toddler, she loves to shop and she doesn't have Asperger's so she gets the whole money concept. But she is afraid of pooping so it has been a 60/40 success...I mean she goes, but sometimes it is a long time between those dollars.
Hubby and I discussed how we would do this...reward him before or make him work for it. (Hubby is of the reward him before camp, because he is not the mean one...I think you should work for it.) So I cashed in some tens for ones at the bank - and came home feeling like a stripper with that big wad - and we were set to go.
Somehow along the way pooping has turned into this:
"MOM!! I HAVE TO POOP!!"
"DON'T WATCH ME!!" (Mildly silent grunting from the bathroom, followed by a GIANT PLOP.)
"MOM, COME LOOK WHAT I DID!!"
"Wow!! Good job buddy!! I am so proud of you!!"
"Go get me a dollar and take a picture!! It's bigger than a South Park turd."
I must admit that my first mistake was taking a picture for daddy to see the poop. Now he expects it every time....and the demanding the dollar thing is a little annoying, because he is all Polly bitchy pants about it. (Then screams about needing help when stuffing it in the puggy bank if it won't go in right, because I don't have enough to do when worrying if that turd he just dropped is going to clog the toilet or not.)
Soon though I hope the dollar thing will disappear, as will the fecal photography...not a task I am all glad to add to my resume. (Although I am sure it could get me some interesting work.) I wish too that we had just started out with pennies for the poop....those are a lot easier to cram into the puggy bank than dollar bills.
Frank
I have been listening to Amy Winehouse non stop these dark-stinky-endless-potty-training-mid-winter-break-stuck-in-the-damn-house-days, because otherwise I would be listening to Spongebob Squarepants. (And while I love me some Spongebob, I just can't take another FUCKING MINUTE OF THAT GODFORSAKEN YELLOW THING!!)
After the Grammy's I downloaded Frank to my IPOD I can't stop listening to it. (I sort of feel like a sixth grader with a new cassette tape that I am playing over and over and over in my bedroom.) And damn is it good, I like it even better than Back to Black, but shhh don't tell anyone I said that.
I am happy to report that Toddler has only had 2 pee accidents since we started the whole potty training attempt 4,982,642!! (While I am not quite sure what his teacher will say when and if he poops at school and then asks her to take a picture of it, and demands a dollar...but we'll see how she rolls with it all!!) Let's just hope that this continues on until he returns to school on Thursday and then into infinity and beyond because I am sick of diapers.
So while Toddler is napping/jumping off of the top of his bed onto the mattress I am going to plug back into Frank for a while, you know for a little swearing and grown up singing about things other than FUCKING pineapples under the sea!!
After the Grammy's I downloaded Frank to my IPOD I can't stop listening to it. (I sort of feel like a sixth grader with a new cassette tape that I am playing over and over and over in my bedroom.) And damn is it good, I like it even better than Back to Black, but shhh don't tell anyone I said that.
I am happy to report that Toddler has only had 2 pee accidents since we started the whole potty training attempt 4,982,642!! (While I am not quite sure what his teacher will say when and if he poops at school and then asks her to take a picture of it, and demands a dollar...but we'll see how she rolls with it all!!) Let's just hope that this continues on until he returns to school on Thursday and then into infinity and beyond because I am sick of diapers.
So while Toddler is napping/jumping off of the top of his bed onto the mattress I am going to plug back into Frank for a while, you know for a little swearing and grown up singing about things other than FUCKING pineapples under the sea!!
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Welcome To My Insanity
We are deep in the trenches of potty training and so far so good....I have been so wrapped up in it all that I forgot to mention that there has been a little drama too with my mom almost dying and all (like twice) last week.
It apparently started some time ago, mom's burning esophagus, but ended with a doctor's visit Tuesday because she woke up with the feeling of an elephant sitting on her chest. They ran blood panels - to check for the usual suspects, ulcer, kidney etc. she has no gallbladder so it isn't that - and sent her home with some Nexium.
At midnight she broke out in a rash and couldn't breathe. They told her to take Benadryl and called in another class of antacid for her. She waited 24 hours went back to work and then took it. That one sent her into anaphlayctic shock and in an ambulance ride to the hospital. Thank GOD she lives like 2 minutes from a really good hospital. Thank GOD that she is in good shape and health, other than this shit...because I hate to think of what it would have been like otherwise.
Now she has an esophageal scope thingy (sorry the medical term is escaping me as I am up to my elbows in potty training and all frantic that there is something SERIOUSLY wrong with my mom.) tomorrow. Fortunately they will be knocking her out to do it, and I am 200 miles away and can't make it there in time to be with her. (And realistically until we know the results what can I do but sit there and worry. At least here I can worry and drink and worry some more.) Dad will be with her the whole time....which is good. I just wish I could be there for him.
The whole thing is freaking me out. Mom had a bad "episode" back before Christmas that they still can't explain. They kept saying she had a heart attack or a stroke, and honestly I nearly lost my mind at the thought of loosing her. Even though this is more than likely nothing "serious" what if it is? How are we going to get her through this?
And I can tell you right now that I definitely would loose my mind if I were to loose her now.
She isn't even 51. She has been my rock through some of the most difficult times of my life, and she has been my best friend as long as I can remember.
So please pray for us all that it is something ridiculous....I will be sitting here silently sobbing certain that the other foot is going to drop at any moment and the whole world is going to fall out from under me, because that is just how my crazy mind works.
I really am praying that it is just a stupid ulcer though, all while trying to keep Toddler tied to the toilet for some more of those GIANT TURDS.
It apparently started some time ago, mom's burning esophagus, but ended with a doctor's visit Tuesday because she woke up with the feeling of an elephant sitting on her chest. They ran blood panels - to check for the usual suspects, ulcer, kidney etc. she has no gallbladder so it isn't that - and sent her home with some Nexium.
At midnight she broke out in a rash and couldn't breathe. They told her to take Benadryl and called in another class of antacid for her. She waited 24 hours went back to work and then took it. That one sent her into anaphlayctic shock and in an ambulance ride to the hospital. Thank GOD she lives like 2 minutes from a really good hospital. Thank GOD that she is in good shape and health, other than this shit...because I hate to think of what it would have been like otherwise.
Now she has an esophageal scope thingy (sorry the medical term is escaping me as I am up to my elbows in potty training and all frantic that there is something SERIOUSLY wrong with my mom.) tomorrow. Fortunately they will be knocking her out to do it, and I am 200 miles away and can't make it there in time to be with her. (And realistically until we know the results what can I do but sit there and worry. At least here I can worry and drink and worry some more.) Dad will be with her the whole time....which is good. I just wish I could be there for him.
The whole thing is freaking me out. Mom had a bad "episode" back before Christmas that they still can't explain. They kept saying she had a heart attack or a stroke, and honestly I nearly lost my mind at the thought of loosing her. Even though this is more than likely nothing "serious" what if it is? How are we going to get her through this?
And I can tell you right now that I definitely would loose my mind if I were to loose her now.
She isn't even 51. She has been my rock through some of the most difficult times of my life, and she has been my best friend as long as I can remember.
So please pray for us all that it is something ridiculous....I will be sitting here silently sobbing certain that the other foot is going to drop at any moment and the whole world is going to fall out from under me, because that is just how my crazy mind works.
I really am praying that it is just a stupid ulcer though, all while trying to keep Toddler tied to the toilet for some more of those GIANT TURDS.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Momma I Have To Poop
He did in fact have to push out one big fat turd...and for it cheers hugs, clapping, a call to daddy and a dollar. (Oh, and we have to take a freaking picture of it....good lord I think that the kid might become a fecalpheliac!!) But it seems that success is indeed on the horizon.....
Thank god!!!
And the house doesn't even stink....not even a little.
Except for that fart I just let rip.
Thank god!!!
And the house doesn't even stink....not even a little.
Except for that fart I just let rip.
Friday, February 15, 2008
Giant Turds
Today we had a major success...a turd the size of a soda can came out of Toddler. I am not joking. If Hubby would give up the camera phone so I could upload the photo you would all be like, "WHOA!! OMG!!! HUGE TURD!!!"
Then after you processed the size of it all you would wonder how the poor thing didn't die from pain or something. I just think he has an magical butt that smells like the zoo.
He was so proud of his phenomenal feat that he told the dogs, and daddy and me (even though we both were made to inspect and applaude the damn thing for 10 minutes.) Then he told his best friend, and his best friend's parents and the UPS man. Which I guess is kind of sucky for poor the poor UPS Man to be greeted at the door with, "I pooped a HUGE SOUTH PARK TURD IN THE POTTY!!" but fortunately he has a 3 year old so he totally understands.
I am hoping this success continues, because his half nakedness is totally annoying and we are only on day 2. He has 6 days until he goes back to school because of "mid winter break" (whatever the hell that is.) So it should be fun drinking times for me at least (thank god for the well stocked liqour cabinet). I am just praying that the only piles on the carpet be from the old ass dogs, and not from the Toddler.
But we have danced this dance before....and we all know that ended BADLY.
Then after you processed the size of it all you would wonder how the poor thing didn't die from pain or something. I just think he has an magical butt that smells like the zoo.
He was so proud of his phenomenal feat that he told the dogs, and daddy and me (even though we both were made to inspect and applaude the damn thing for 10 minutes.) Then he told his best friend, and his best friend's parents and the UPS man. Which I guess is kind of sucky for poor the poor UPS Man to be greeted at the door with, "I pooped a HUGE SOUTH PARK TURD IN THE POTTY!!" but fortunately he has a 3 year old so he totally understands.
I am hoping this success continues, because his half nakedness is totally annoying and we are only on day 2. He has 6 days until he goes back to school because of "mid winter break" (whatever the hell that is.) So it should be fun drinking times for me at least (thank god for the well stocked liqour cabinet). I am just praying that the only piles on the carpet be from the old ass dogs, and not from the Toddler.
But we have danced this dance before....and we all know that ended BADLY.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Poop Battle 6,782,943
It is on tonight. I have 6 days until he goes back to school after tomorrow. IT WILL GET DONE. (Even if I have to drink all the alcohol in the cupboard and superglue my nostrils shut.)
This evening I won....a small turd plopped into the toilet after an hour long battle....but he still sat on that god damn toilet until the poop came out, so tonight I AM THE WINNER!!!
Now I am going to bed.
That shit is exhausting.
This evening I won....a small turd plopped into the toilet after an hour long battle....but he still sat on that god damn toilet until the poop came out, so tonight I AM THE WINNER!!!
Now I am going to bed.
That shit is exhausting.
My Freaktastic Valentine
So this morning I gave the boys their Valentines, Toddler got a Valentine Mr. Potato Head (which he screamed was retarded, he hated it and threw it across the room) Hubby got a whole bag of green M&M's (because everyone knows what the green ones mean) and a small bag of white ones with a card that sings a song from "Sleepless In Seattle." I got a car last week so I knew there would be no bling or cards for me. But I didn't expect Toddler to be a freak, much less his last jab before we left for school.
"Will you be Mommas Valentine?"
"No Momma. Only Kala can be my Valentine, because she's pretty."
OUCH.
I swear every word out of his mouth lately cuts my heart into 2 pieces straight down the middle. But of course I can't react to that....it would give him too much pleasure. So Hubby is having a talk with him now while they are out train chasing and I am making cupcakes. Hopefully someday he will still want to be my Valentine....or at least make me one....but I sort of doubt it.
"Will you be Mommas Valentine?"
"No Momma. Only Kala can be my Valentine, because she's pretty."
OUCH.
I swear every word out of his mouth lately cuts my heart into 2 pieces straight down the middle. But of course I can't react to that....it would give him too much pleasure. So Hubby is having a talk with him now while they are out train chasing and I am making cupcakes. Hopefully someday he will still want to be my Valentine....or at least make me one....but I sort of doubt it.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
SUNSHINE SURPRISE
Today was sunny and warm. Such a nice feeling....so much better than yesterday anyway. I think that this could mean that things are looking up.
Toddler still shouted 4 times at me that he HATES ME. Fine, hate me see if I care. I just don't believe you anymore.
I just hope the sun holds for the rest of the week...that would make my whole body and soul happy.
Toddler still shouted 4 times at me that he HATES ME. Fine, hate me see if I care. I just don't believe you anymore.
I just hope the sun holds for the rest of the week...that would make my whole body and soul happy.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Heavy Cloud No Rain
My mood lately stinks. I don't know if it is the weather - hence the title (and yes, thank you STING for that) - getting to me, week 752 of rain and cold tend to do that to a soul. Or if it is Toddler's antics that are getting to me or maybe there really is something wrong with me that something being that I am a woman.
I was talking with my mom last night about all the goings on of the women in our family (crazy stress related shit because none of us will take two minutes to breathe on our own and take care of ourselves) and we realized that the reason that heart disease is the number one killer of women now is because WE DON'T TAKE CARE OF OURSELVES. We are too busy taking care of everyone else. The kids, the husband, the house, the pets, the bills, the extended family everyone but ourselves. And if we take the time to do something for ourselves we feel guilty.
And I admit I haven't been taking care of myself, other than taking my medications as directed and drinking my water not much else has been looking bright for my self care. My heart just feels heavy and full of something....but not full of good cheer, something heavier....I just can't put my finger on it. Maybe I need some time away somewhere ALONE to think things over and get a little bit of CLARITY.
But that may not ever come.
Maybe this is my midlife crisis, and instead of getting all flashy with a sports car and a new man I am getting all introverted and existential. Whatever it is I am wishing for the sun to lift the clouds....and soon.
I was talking with my mom last night about all the goings on of the women in our family (crazy stress related shit because none of us will take two minutes to breathe on our own and take care of ourselves) and we realized that the reason that heart disease is the number one killer of women now is because WE DON'T TAKE CARE OF OURSELVES. We are too busy taking care of everyone else. The kids, the husband, the house, the pets, the bills, the extended family everyone but ourselves. And if we take the time to do something for ourselves we feel guilty.
And I admit I haven't been taking care of myself, other than taking my medications as directed and drinking my water not much else has been looking bright for my self care. My heart just feels heavy and full of something....but not full of good cheer, something heavier....I just can't put my finger on it. Maybe I need some time away somewhere ALONE to think things over and get a little bit of CLARITY.
But that may not ever come.
Maybe this is my midlife crisis, and instead of getting all flashy with a sports car and a new man I am getting all introverted and existential. Whatever it is I am wishing for the sun to lift the clouds....and soon.
Monday, February 11, 2008
A-S-S-H-O-L-E
Just one of my favorite adjectives. But lately it is used covertly to describe Toddler and his behavior. (Mostly to the tune of "C-H-I-C-K-E-N" the camp song.) I know it is wrong, but good lord tantrums every five seconds over EVERYTGODDAMNTHING known to man is enough to make anyone (let alone a woman on "special medicine") go ape shit crazy.
He has been like this since Wednesday of last week. He sobbed when I picked him up from school and not Daddy, then he sobbed because he wanted the GIANT SUV back and not the "little blue car" that we have now. The rest of the weekend everything from a stinky fart to disallowing him to eat cheese can send him off the cliff of calmness and into the abyss that is Tantrum hell.
ALL OF IT MAKES ME GO TO BED BEFORE 9 pm. ALL OF IT WEARS ME OUT MORE THAN BEING PREGNANT DID. ALL OF IT HAS ME PRAYING WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING THAT FOUR IS EASIER THAN THREE, BECAUSE IF IT ISN'T ONE OF US IS GOING TO END UP IN THE FUNNY FARM. (And last time I checked 4 year olds don't go to the funny farm....only their mommy's do.)
So if you see a little blue SUV driving down the road and the driver is singing what sounds like a camp song, it is me trying to get my Toddler to "cheer up" through song....of course while changing the letters to spell out exactly what he is acting like these days.
Let's just hope that the little bugger hasn't figured out how to spell yet.
He has been like this since Wednesday of last week. He sobbed when I picked him up from school and not Daddy, then he sobbed because he wanted the GIANT SUV back and not the "little blue car" that we have now. The rest of the weekend everything from a stinky fart to disallowing him to eat cheese can send him off the cliff of calmness and into the abyss that is Tantrum hell.
ALL OF IT MAKES ME GO TO BED BEFORE 9 pm. ALL OF IT WEARS ME OUT MORE THAN BEING PREGNANT DID. ALL OF IT HAS ME PRAYING WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING THAT FOUR IS EASIER THAN THREE, BECAUSE IF IT ISN'T ONE OF US IS GOING TO END UP IN THE FUNNY FARM. (And last time I checked 4 year olds don't go to the funny farm....only their mommy's do.)
So if you see a little blue SUV driving down the road and the driver is singing what sounds like a camp song, it is me trying to get my Toddler to "cheer up" through song....of course while changing the letters to spell out exactly what he is acting like these days.
Let's just hope that the little bugger hasn't figured out how to spell yet.
Grammys....deciphered
I didn't stay up and catch all of the Grammy action because lets face it I am too old for that shit. And most of it is REALLY freaking boring. I did catch a great look at Tina Turner's nipples and as Suburban Turmoil put it the "Freakish Aging Bratz Doll" that is Cher. (Although I give her many props for the "I started singing when Lincoln was president." Comment.)
I also saw Kayne West's performance. Which normally would have made me gag, barf puke and swear more expletive's than an episode of SOUTH PARK....but some how this one didn't. He is a stellar performer. And I did get goosebumps when he performed Mama....how he does that so soon after her death gets me. I don't even think I could utter the word if I lost my mom. And I was glad that he finally won an award so he could stop complaining....although the bitchiness over the time he was given for his speech was a little diva-ish.
I also saw Fergie sing/scream with John Legend. They were great together. Although I am thinking that she has a baby in her belly....that dress was pouching where it shouldn't have, and if you don't believe me take a look here close up...I am just not convinced that she is the kind of girl who would choose to look like that in the tummy region on the red carpet.
I was glad that I woke up in time to see Amy Winehouse perform....although she looked terrified during the whole thing. Must be that just out of rehab can't drink to loosen up how the hell do I do this thing. But the look on her face when she won was priceless....lets just hope that is enough to keep her on the wagon and making kick ass music, because despite the crack smoking and boozing she is one hell of a singer.
Then I fell back to sleep. You know because I am old and lame. But most of what I have seen and read on line today looks like it wasn't worth my time to look at. I mean who dresses these people? And what the hell is with all of Stevie Wonder's backwards shirts? The man is a very gifted singer, that does not mean that he needs to be dressed like he is riding the short bus to the ceremonies people!!
So hopefully next year I will make it through the whole thing, but I doubt it. I am just too damn old for all the nipples and shiny shit.
I also saw Kayne West's performance. Which normally would have made me gag, barf puke and swear more expletive's than an episode of SOUTH PARK....but some how this one didn't. He is a stellar performer. And I did get goosebumps when he performed Mama....how he does that so soon after her death gets me. I don't even think I could utter the word if I lost my mom. And I was glad that he finally won an award so he could stop complaining....although the bitchiness over the time he was given for his speech was a little diva-ish.
I also saw Fergie sing/scream with John Legend. They were great together. Although I am thinking that she has a baby in her belly....that dress was pouching where it shouldn't have, and if you don't believe me take a look here close up...I am just not convinced that she is the kind of girl who would choose to look like that in the tummy region on the red carpet.
I was glad that I woke up in time to see Amy Winehouse perform....although she looked terrified during the whole thing. Must be that just out of rehab can't drink to loosen up how the hell do I do this thing. But the look on her face when she won was priceless....lets just hope that is enough to keep her on the wagon and making kick ass music, because despite the crack smoking and boozing she is one hell of a singer.
Then I fell back to sleep. You know because I am old and lame. But most of what I have seen and read on line today looks like it wasn't worth my time to look at. I mean who dresses these people? And what the hell is with all of Stevie Wonder's backwards shirts? The man is a very gifted singer, that does not mean that he needs to be dressed like he is riding the short bus to the ceremonies people!!
So hopefully next year I will make it through the whole thing, but I doubt it. I am just too damn old for all the nipples and shiny shit.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Oprah
Things often perplex me, not because I am a moron or anything. But because DAMN IT this is a freaking crazy world and things are confusing. Like Oprah...and the power that she has, not like it is an evil power or anything, but an AMAZING power.
This one woman who has come from nothing to become THE WOMAN that everyone talks about, and listens to. That is pretty damn amazing to me. I can't tell you the number of times I have conversations with friends or family and someone will say, "Did you see that Oprah?" or "Oprah had this guy on that said...."
And I covet the things that Oprah loves. The $100 tee shirts, and the silk sheets, and all of her other "good things" - come on hers are way better than Martha's ANY DAY - but covet is all I can do, because lets face it, unless you are filthy rich you can't afford those things.
I am inspired by her campaign to live your best life. That has struck me for sometime now. I am just not sure where to start, so I guess just a little at a time is the best way to go....because finding yourself is a long journey.
And while I may not watch her show everyday - she competes with Tom & Jerry for goodness sake - those that I catch are good ones. And while I don't agree with her political choices, she still amazes me with drive she has, and the awe that she creates in women. And it is about time that we had a woman that created that and more for women to talk about.
This one woman who has come from nothing to become THE WOMAN that everyone talks about, and listens to. That is pretty damn amazing to me. I can't tell you the number of times I have conversations with friends or family and someone will say, "Did you see that Oprah?" or "Oprah had this guy on that said...."
And I covet the things that Oprah loves. The $100 tee shirts, and the silk sheets, and all of her other "good things" - come on hers are way better than Martha's ANY DAY - but covet is all I can do, because lets face it, unless you are filthy rich you can't afford those things.
I am inspired by her campaign to live your best life. That has struck me for sometime now. I am just not sure where to start, so I guess just a little at a time is the best way to go....because finding yourself is a long journey.
And while I may not watch her show everyday - she competes with Tom & Jerry for goodness sake - those that I catch are good ones. And while I don't agree with her political choices, she still amazes me with drive she has, and the awe that she creates in women. And it is about time that we had a woman that created that and more for women to talk about.
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Political Tirade Part One
Holy Moly all this election crap has me spitting fire already. I mean not that I can even pretend to understand what those flapping heads are trying to do, but I swear it seems like your damned if you do, and damned if you don't.
We were hit by the wave of Clinton and Obama stomping around trying to get candidates to vote for them today in the Caucus. (Because the Democrats award all their delegates at the caucus, where as the Republican party does half at the caucus and half after the popular election.) I have to admit that there is a bit of excitement this year about the whole thing. Because this is the first year that our delegates count. I mean REALLY REALLY count before the party chooses who they are going to nominate, or everyone else has jumped ship in hopes of maybe being vice president.
But seriously it is only February, and the ads and media coverage are nauseating....first I guess at least this has cut down on the Bird Brained Britney Bull Shit, but the election isn't until NOVEMBER a full 9 months away....that is like being pregnant again....but with a bunch of foul mouth old people!!! Pass the wine and xanax NOW.....and a lot of it.
Well, whatever happens I hope that it all works out for the best of the country. (And that it doesn't drive me to rehab in the meantime. Because that would suck, and well I don't want to go right now.) Hopefully all of these candidates are suited to lead our country well, and really do want what is best for it and us. That is the only hope that I can still hold on to, I mean it doesn't look like party alliances are something that you can much stick to anymore.
But no matter what we do need a positive change, and soon.
We were hit by the wave of Clinton and Obama stomping around trying to get candidates to vote for them today in the Caucus. (Because the Democrats award all their delegates at the caucus, where as the Republican party does half at the caucus and half after the popular election.) I have to admit that there is a bit of excitement this year about the whole thing. Because this is the first year that our delegates count. I mean REALLY REALLY count before the party chooses who they are going to nominate, or everyone else has jumped ship in hopes of maybe being vice president.
But seriously it is only February, and the ads and media coverage are nauseating....first I guess at least this has cut down on the Bird Brained Britney Bull Shit, but the election isn't until NOVEMBER a full 9 months away....that is like being pregnant again....but with a bunch of foul mouth old people!!! Pass the wine and xanax NOW.....and a lot of it.
Well, whatever happens I hope that it all works out for the best of the country. (And that it doesn't drive me to rehab in the meantime. Because that would suck, and well I don't want to go right now.) Hopefully all of these candidates are suited to lead our country well, and really do want what is best for it and us. That is the only hope that I can still hold on to, I mean it doesn't look like party alliances are something that you can much stick to anymore.
But no matter what we do need a positive change, and soon.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
It's All Unusual
I heard on the news this afternoon that Tom Jones had his CHEST HAIR insured for SEVEN MILLION DOLLARS through Lloyd's of London. Either the British have lost their minds or this is another sign of the Apocalypse.
Now I love Tom Jones. No Joke. I love him as much as Tom Selleck and David Caruso. (Even though I don't have the dreams about Tom Jones like I do about Tom and David.) I have a thing for older men, I always have. But this seems all a BIT UNUSUAL and DISTURBING.
It all caps off a night of funky dreams...that WERE UNUSUAL. Anthony Bourdain made an appearance - yes, THAT kind of appearance - and we were off to the far east for food and some pretty HOT stuff. (And while dreams about the ever sexy Anthony Bourdain are a fine addition to the rotation everything else was off.) There were all kinds of flood references and mud, and trying to divorce husbands...was it something that I ate? Is it a deeper sign of impending doom?
Whatever it is it is unusually disturbing and icky. To the point that I woke up feeling like throwing up and sort of dizzy. Hopefully it is just a phase that will pass...and it isn't a sign of the end of the world, but next time Anthony shows up I hope it isn't without all the other weird shit.
Now I love Tom Jones. No Joke. I love him as much as Tom Selleck and David Caruso. (Even though I don't have the dreams about Tom Jones like I do about Tom and David.) I have a thing for older men, I always have. But this seems all a BIT UNUSUAL and DISTURBING.
It all caps off a night of funky dreams...that WERE UNUSUAL. Anthony Bourdain made an appearance - yes, THAT kind of appearance - and we were off to the far east for food and some pretty HOT stuff. (And while dreams about the ever sexy Anthony Bourdain are a fine addition to the rotation everything else was off.) There were all kinds of flood references and mud, and trying to divorce husbands...was it something that I ate? Is it a deeper sign of impending doom?
Whatever it is it is unusually disturbing and icky. To the point that I woke up feeling like throwing up and sort of dizzy. Hopefully it is just a phase that will pass...and it isn't a sign of the end of the world, but next time Anthony shows up I hope it isn't without all the other weird shit.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Pimp My Ride
I think that somewhere in our conversation of consuming less Hubby got lost. I MEAN REALLY REALLY LOST. Like Stupid Husband Trick Lost. Not that its entirely his fault....Oh, wait, I need to start at the beginning for you.
For those of you who haven't been reading up, we traded in the HUGE SUV for a little one, but because it doesn't have running boards and a few other accessories Toddler has been literally DIVING into the car to get in and nearly cracking his head on the concrete when he dives back out because, "ICANDOITMYSELFMOM!!"
We discussed what we needed and I asked Hubby to call his buddy at the dealership and get the parts ordered. Well, his buddy had caught wind that we had downsized and had already ordered every imaginable upgrade (except for leather seats) for the damn car!! So he gets Hubby all excited and starts adding MORE to it....and then more and by 2 o'clock my head is spinning from the two of them cajoling on what to do to "Pimp My Ride."
In a week I will have a "Ride" with more upgrades than Fifty Cent, and only have to drive it to school and the grocery store. I will get 35 miles to the gallon and still be wearing my jeans and my "I wish someone would do something about how fat I am" tee shirt. No fancy for me. (Except maybe I will finally get some contact lenses, because the glasses are annoying the FUCK out of me.)
I will keep trying to consume less and be more conscientious of what we are doing around here...turning the heat down and putting another sweater on....HA HA, and sit back and pray that they don't put spinning rims on the car because if they do then I will definitely have to go all gangsta Mom on their ass.
For those of you who haven't been reading up, we traded in the HUGE SUV for a little one, but because it doesn't have running boards and a few other accessories Toddler has been literally DIVING into the car to get in and nearly cracking his head on the concrete when he dives back out because, "ICANDOITMYSELFMOM!!"
We discussed what we needed and I asked Hubby to call his buddy at the dealership and get the parts ordered. Well, his buddy had caught wind that we had downsized and had already ordered every imaginable upgrade (except for leather seats) for the damn car!! So he gets Hubby all excited and starts adding MORE to it....and then more and by 2 o'clock my head is spinning from the two of them cajoling on what to do to "Pimp My Ride."
In a week I will have a "Ride" with more upgrades than Fifty Cent, and only have to drive it to school and the grocery store. I will get 35 miles to the gallon and still be wearing my jeans and my "I wish someone would do something about how fat I am" tee shirt. No fancy for me. (Except maybe I will finally get some contact lenses, because the glasses are annoying the FUCK out of me.)
I will keep trying to consume less and be more conscientious of what we are doing around here...turning the heat down and putting another sweater on....HA HA, and sit back and pray that they don't put spinning rims on the car because if they do then I will definitely have to go all gangsta Mom on their ass.
Monday, February 4, 2008
It Ain't Easy Going Green
Last night we traded in my GIGANTIC-GAS-GUZZLING-AIR-POLLUTING-EXPEDITION (with heated seats and LOTS AND LOTS OF ROOM) for a more economical, and fuel efficient (35mpg) Ford Escape. I am not unhappy with saving a lot of money every month, but it was sad to let my GIANT HOUSE ON WHEELS GO.
There were several problems we were facing with that thing, 1. It was depreciating faster than we could pay it off so we were taking it big time on the payment end 2. It was costing me over $200 a month in gas just to take Toddler to school and get groceries. NOT A GOOD THING. So a change had to be made, and sooner rather than later when we couldn't get even a dollar for the BIG RIG.
So now I have an SUV that is more reasonably suited for our family size. (I HAVE ONE TODDLER TO HAUL AROUND NOT 24) It is so cute with it's bright metallic Yamaha Blue color, and it has a jack for my IPOD to plug into. Yeah there isn't a fancy navigation system - but really if you ever rode with me when I tried to use that thing I spent more time swearing at it than I did using it. And it kept telling me that I lived at the opposite end of the street. - but at the end of the week it will have my XM so I can listen to Headline News while I am driving about.
I realized that I need to be more reasonable about things. So I have vowed to use up all the body lotion I have before I buy more.I pledged the same for shampoo and other giant stash of beauty products that I have hoarded. And if they are expired or horrid they have been recycled. And I am researching less expensive options for the high priced ones that I have been addicted to for years.
We do have the means to live an absurd life, but why? Why waste resources and time on stupid stuff? Why not save money and think about the future, and the planet and what we are leaving for Toddler?
I am not saying it is easy. Lord knows it is hard. But we are trying, and you have to take small steps first before you can make strides.
There were several problems we were facing with that thing, 1. It was depreciating faster than we could pay it off so we were taking it big time on the payment end 2. It was costing me over $200 a month in gas just to take Toddler to school and get groceries. NOT A GOOD THING. So a change had to be made, and sooner rather than later when we couldn't get even a dollar for the BIG RIG.
So now I have an SUV that is more reasonably suited for our family size. (I HAVE ONE TODDLER TO HAUL AROUND NOT 24) It is so cute with it's bright metallic Yamaha Blue color, and it has a jack for my IPOD to plug into. Yeah there isn't a fancy navigation system - but really if you ever rode with me when I tried to use that thing I spent more time swearing at it than I did using it. And it kept telling me that I lived at the opposite end of the street. - but at the end of the week it will have my XM so I can listen to Headline News while I am driving about.
I realized that I need to be more reasonable about things. So I have vowed to use up all the body lotion I have before I buy more.I pledged the same for shampoo and other giant stash of beauty products that I have hoarded. And if they are expired or horrid they have been recycled. And I am researching less expensive options for the high priced ones that I have been addicted to for years.
We do have the means to live an absurd life, but why? Why waste resources and time on stupid stuff? Why not save money and think about the future, and the planet and what we are leaving for Toddler?
I am not saying it is easy. Lord knows it is hard. But we are trying, and you have to take small steps first before you can make strides.
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Where Baby's Come From
Toddler never ceases to amaze me with the words that keep coming out of his mouth. I should just come to learn that he is going to keep up with this until I die and even after that and am rolling around in my grave. But somehow every time he says something that gives me a WTF moment I stand there slack jawed like a moron, on the verge of hysterical laughter (or of course tears) at what my not quite 4 year old has just said.
This week on Thursday night he informed me that he wants a baby brother and sister. (Which drove me to hysterical crying after he left the room with Hubby.) And that we just needed to find a baby doctor to get one. Then yesterday he told my Father In Law that we were going to the baby store to get him a baby brother.
I think that maybe we need to limit the time that he spends with his new cousin. You know wait until he is bigger and not so much "fun" although he does scream really loud, and that irritated Toddler to no end...so maybe if I remind him of that he will get off of the whole needing a sibling kick.
Topping all of this crappy week off I have been sicker than a dog with some funky ear thing going on and a chest cold/virus that the doctor can do nothing about but let it run its course. Which is THE WORST KIND OF SICKNESS you can have. But at least Toddler cleared up in about 10 days. No more snot or cough or any of that....which is GLORIOUS. Now if I could just get my head to clear up it would be back to normal for us all.
This week on Thursday night he informed me that he wants a baby brother and sister. (Which drove me to hysterical crying after he left the room with Hubby.) And that we just needed to find a baby doctor to get one. Then yesterday he told my Father In Law that we were going to the baby store to get him a baby brother.
I think that maybe we need to limit the time that he spends with his new cousin. You know wait until he is bigger and not so much "fun" although he does scream really loud, and that irritated Toddler to no end...so maybe if I remind him of that he will get off of the whole needing a sibling kick.
Topping all of this crappy week off I have been sicker than a dog with some funky ear thing going on and a chest cold/virus that the doctor can do nothing about but let it run its course. Which is THE WORST KIND OF SICKNESS you can have. But at least Toddler cleared up in about 10 days. No more snot or cough or any of that....which is GLORIOUS. Now if I could just get my head to clear up it would be back to normal for us all.
I will finish my crafting projects this weekend and keep tanking up on tea with lemon....and praying that this will disappear in the night...resting with a Toddler is impossible unless of course you are in another state. And I won't be doing that for another 3 or 4 months so that is out of the question. Oh well, I can always turn on crappy You Tube Train Videos for him and he will be glued to the computer for at least an hour or two!!
Have a great weekend, and if you see any good babies at the baby store let me know....especially if they are on sale...you know that isn't the kind of thing you want to pay full price for.
Have a great weekend, and if you see any good babies at the baby store let me know....especially if they are on sale...you know that isn't the kind of thing you want to pay full price for.
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