Five

Today she would be turning five years old and I am wondering what she would look and sound like, and which one of us she would be like. What kind of attitude would she have? Would she be funny like Hubby, or serious and frantic like me? The whole thing makes me terrible achy and sad and wanting to crawl back under the covers and sleep until tomorrow.

Five years ago today our daughter Abagail was stillborn at 36 weeks. A full term pregnancy gone in an instant for no known medical reason. No tangible explanation other than, "Sometimes this happens."

I don't remember much of the details of the actual "birth." I do know that mostly it is a blur now and thank God that my mom and dad were there, and that Hubby was there to hold me up.

I still am unsure how we managed to make it through that unspeakable dark horrid thing - loosing a child. (Like she just got lost in a department store and someday I will go back and she will be waiting for me in the customer service department, "Where have you been Mom?")

How we were able to move on again and try to have another child I am not sure. And when we did get Toddler how I didn't fall to pieces constantly thinking that he too would be taken away is nothing short of a Major miracle.

I still hate this day....this marker of the little girl that I held for a second in my arms...eyes full of hot salty tears, that I never got to bring home and see what she would be like. I hate that I will never know what she could or would have become. I hate that even though I know that I wasn't responsible for what happened I always will carry the guilt that I did something wrong and somehow didn't deserve to keep her. I hate that I never got to hear her voice tell her that she loves me, or her playing with her brother.

In the time since we have welcomed Toddler and while he has been a joy (and yes, some days have been a nightmare) it still feels like something is missing. I think that a piece of my heart is forever gone with Abby....I will never get it back.

I feel horrible telling people that we only have one child, like I am doing her a disservice or denying her existence. But how do you share that grief with a total stranger?

On the days that I make it to bed exhausted and worn out from the battles over oranges and green shirts, and remember that I didn't think about her that day it is all I can do to not cry myself to sleep, feeling like a horrible mother for not remembering her, and for not better appreciating Toddler - despite the tantrums of the day.

And while I know in my heart that God had bigger plans for Abby, and that she is doing more helping him than she could have here with me, I can't help but be jealous that he has her and I don't. Especially today when we should be wearing princess tiaras and taking cupcakes to Kindergarten to share with her class.

Mother's Guilt

It is funny how time away from Toddler always makes me long for him more when we get home. How he looks 12 feet taller and seems to talk more and in clearer sentences.

It really is love/hate when we get home. I hate that I have left him. But I love those three days that I had to sleep without feet in my ribs, the day I had in the spa alone and the adult food that we ate every night for dinner.

I guess that is a mother's guilt.

I also got a huge dose of the reality that I may have made the wrong decision in regard to having my tubes tied after Toddler turned one. (Not for me...because that was indeed the 100% right thing to do for my body and soul...but for hubby.)

We sat across the aisle on the flight to CA from a little girl about 9 months old. SHE BEAMED at him the whole time, and he flirted at her like a school girl. And when we were here with my New Nephew he held him for hours grinning like a fool, the same way he did when Toddler was a baby. I feel like somehow I have taken away the chance of having another child from him too soon. Something that I know that he really wants with all of his heart.

It makes me so sad that I don't know what to do for him.

My body physically cannot hold another pregnancy, and emotionally that roller coaster ride is too much for me to take. I am not sure that we can afford adoption just yet either. Maybe I need to sit down and look at some things and make some rearrangements to make it happen.

Who knows, maybe Hubby would be just as happy with a trip to Bora Bora, but somehow my heart doubts it.

My Review of Vanilla Bean

Originally submitted at Mighty Leaf Tea

Vanilla Bean, a deep blend of black tea leaves with Madagascar vanilla, conjures up images of inhaling the heady aroma of wild vanilla as you hike the tropics near Mt. Maromakotro. A full-bodied and fruity cup, Vanilla Bean, a blend of Ceylon and China.

Vanilla Bean

This Tea Is My Favorite In The UNIVERSE

By mommastantrum from Seattle, WA on 1/26/2008

5out of 5

Tea Body: Full

Tea Finish: Smooth

Tea Flavor: Spicy, Fruity

Pros: Easy-To-Use Tea Pouch, High Quality, Great Aroma, Unique Flavor Profile

Best Uses: Afternoon, Evening, Dessert Tea, Morning, Anytime

Describe Yourself: Tea Enthusiast, Health Conscious, Stylish, High-end Shopper

This tea melts across your lips like a sweet lovers kiss. A tiny bit sweet, and lingers for hours. No sugar needed, because it is the perfect balance of tea an vanilla. I carry the pouches with me everywhere because then I know I will have them wherever I go!!

(legalese)

My Review of Organic Hojicha

Originally submitted at Mighty Leaf Tea

Organic Hojicha is made of organic Japanese bancha tea, a mixture of pan-fired and slow roasted green tea leaves that yield a rich, nutty brew. Escape and find your retreat overlooking a glistening Lake Motosuko in the Japanese Alps with this organic green tea.

Organic Hojicha

Substitute This Deep Tea For Coffee

By mommastantrum from Seattle, WA on 1/26/2008

4out of 5

Tea Body: Full

Tea Finish: Long

Tea Flavor: Vegetal, Smoky, Oaky

Pros: Great Aroma, High Quality, Unique Flavor Profile, Easy-To-Use Tea Pouch

Cons: Is not good iced

Best Uses: Anytime

Describe Yourself: Tea Enthusiast, High-end Shopper, Health Conscious, Stylish, Athletic

I am an avid coffee drinker and have found this tea a great afternoon pick me up, as well as a substitute for my morning cup. It is a great tea with great health benefits.

(legalese)

The Trashtasticness of an Evil Hairy Butt Chin

I am seriously delirious right now. I am sicker than I have ever been before. I am telling you that this illness is even worse than when we returned from Florida in September and the doctors thought I had Dengue Fever.

MUCH MUCH WORSE.

I have Britney-Spears-Train wreck-Can't-Stop-Myself-From-Staring-With-My-Mouth-Agape-At-Every-Tidbit-Of-Media-Itis. "It is common among people who have too much time on their hands and enjoy the nuances of the Internet, and media shows like E! NEWS and Entertainment Tonight. It is HIGHLY CONTAGIOUS, and the patient must be quarantined once diagnosis is made or they could infect others."

My diagnosis was confirmed last night when I sent Toddler to his room for being too loud during the ET/Insider hour of "trashtainment." That is usually an hour of TV that we enjoy together, bonding over his love of all things flashy and my love of gossip about people that I don't even know. It was a sad sad moment in my life. Punishing him because I couldn't reach the remote to make that hairy butt-chin boyfriend of Britney's speak louder. Damn I am a bad mother.

What is it about that Butt Chin Man Thing that we can't stop looking at? I mean all of the media is fixed on him, so then we (the viewing public) are forced to look at him as well. He must be some kind of Sorcerer or something....he has us all transfixed by that Evil Hairy Butt Chin.

And why? It is obvious he has commitment issues when it comes to facial hair. He won't grow a full beard, yet can't be bothered to shave it all off and still there is no "goatee" just a "landing strip" (does that mean that he likes boys?) I mean I thought that you only had a "landing strip" Brazilian Wax done for your boyfriend....not because it feels good.

So while I am away this weekend I am going to try to get over this sickness. This horrid horrid illness, by immersing myself in seminars and then the spa for a full day. Hopefully when I return something will have happened (Like Super Tuesday) that will temporarily remind me that there are more important things going on that Evil Hairy Butt Chin Man and his White Trash Lover.

But of course with my attention span, I am sure that it will only be temporary.

Getting LOST

I was going to write all about how Toddler started calling me Sweetheart today, but then I realized that I have 7 DAYS UNTIL THE NEW SEASON OF LOST STARTS, and all hope of writing anything coherent about Toddler flew out the window.

It started when I went to Mama Pop and there was the 8:15 recap of everything you need to know about LOST. I watched that. Then went to You Tube and watched what is being hailed as the BEST TRAILER EVER for the new season. So go look and decide, because honestly it is a little iffy for me. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BJY3Kx0E8ZM (I mean other than the hot shots of Sawyer and Sayid all sweaty and dirty and rocking it with the rifles again.

Oh, and we can't forget Desmond and that accent....GOOD LORD DOES THAT MAN DO SOMETHING TO ME.

So in 7 days I will be glued to the TV, screaming at the TIVO (or DVR or whatever the FUCK it is now) with Toddler nicely sleeping with his melatonin in bed, and husband banned from speaking unless it is during commercials.

Of course the only phone calls I take during the show are from my mom's house, and those are the "OMG!! Did you Fucking see that?!?!" or "What the hell is going on?" (Anyone else dare make my phone ring during that time better be dead or missing a limb. And if they aren't they certainly will be when I am done with them.)

Bring it on. Even if this STUPID writers strike only means a mere 8 episodes....8 is better than zero....and that will give me even longer to obsess rewind and watch everything before we start all over again next season.

Haut Chocolate

So it is no secret around here that I LOVE bacon. I ate it daily while pregnant with Toddler, and could easily jump off the health bandwagon with one whiff of that lovely pig fat cooking, so earlier this week when I found Vosges Haut Chocolate I hit the double jackpot. They offer the latest and greatest in food for foodies, Mo's Bacon Bar.

I quickly ordered two - one for me and one for my best girlfriend who is expecting her second and craves bacon this time around too - as well as their Carmel Marshmallows. ("Fluffy marshmallows with Madagascar Bourbon Vanilla Beans, Sweet Sugar Caramel, French Guerande Grey Sea Salt, Dark Chocolate and a Pecan and Walnut Toffee Crumble Top") They.Are.To.Die.For.

Hubby received a box of their Wink of the Rabbit Caramels. Because he is a simple man in what he likes, and I like the idea of buying him candy for Valentine's day.

Now, back to the bacon. I am sniffing and rubbing and dreaming of it. I have yet to taste it...because I am afraid if I do I will devour it in on bite...but what if it is disgusting and I never again can eat bacon or chocolate again? So much fear for such a heavenly candy bar. I need to be brave and just do it.

Okay, Here I go. It is a marriage made in heaven. I can't even describe the merriment that my mouth feels. (Although the words of the Colbie Caillat song "Bubbly" come close "I get the tinglies in a silly place.") Much restraint will be needed to not eat both bars....I should get the gift one off in the mail now, you know so I don't engulf it and end up sending her an empty box.

So just try any of their chocolate. Even if you think that the Bacon and chocolate thing is weird. They have a lot of other options that will make your mouth water and your hair stick up on end.

Two Shots....in the Leg

Toddler went to the doctor today. He is not stopped coughing that sea lion cough and the snot faucet is stuck on full blast. And I am really tired. Turns out he has a mild case of croup. (If this is mild I would hate to see severe.) Since it is VIRAL there is no real treatment other than steam and more steam....except steroids.

Now oral steroids for kids taste about as good as a dogs butt. (Don't ask me how I know what a dog's butt taste's like - just trust me on this one.) And Toddler fights any and all medicine except Tylenol and Triaminic thin strips which he begs for even when he isn't sick. And only if both are grape....that sick fake purple grape. So I knew that the oral ones were not an option.

So I was a mean mom and opted for the injection. Little did I know that he would be able to throw my arms aside and without looking reef the needle out of the nurse's hand, bend it and somehow scratch his thigh in the process. They had to get a second nurse and a second needle.

OH. MY. GOD. Did he scream and cry, and of course went ape shit when she tried to give him a band aid. (Because for some reason Band Aide's are satanic or something.) So once he calmed down, and the bleeding thigh slowed I got him bundled up and took him to the store and bought him Murdoch, play dough and a wooden race car to paint with daddy. (I feel really bad = I buy him a bunch of shit to make up for it.)

Other than being crabby he is playing quietly and nicely this afternoon. Which is nice, because my head still hurts from all the screaming at the doctor's office. Why don't they inject the mom's with something too, you know like tequila or Valium?

Crazy Aunt Ethel Is Coming

I am leaving for a business trip with Hubby next Sunday. We will be gone for three days. Which means that Crazy Aunt Ethel is coming to be in charge. Usually this would be worry free for me but now, not so much.

First, I am HOPING that Toddler's snot and cough have magically disappeared by then. I am hoping for this for two reasons: 1) I know that my Crazy Aunt cannot be relied upon to give him the medicine he needs to sleep or get relief from the sea lion like cough or snot faucet that his nose has become and 2) she is bringing along my cousin and her new(ish) baby. (They have the hair brained idea that they will be able to go see Great Grandma after they take us to the airport. HA HA HA. Toddler will be in absolute meltdown mode when they leave us at the airport, and he HATES Seattle Great Grandma with a passion as well as the aunties that live with her.) Plus she will have to give him his melatonin at night, get him to school on Tuesday and pick him up. I think I need a drink already and it is only MONDAY.

On a lighter note, I did get him some grape Delsym. And it has quieted his cough for 12 hours as promised and neither cracked him out or put him to sleep. And he takes it without fighting us.

He has also taken to calling his Little Tike's workbench that Santa brought him his Blacker Junior. (I think he means Black and Decker Junior) He has been screaming at Max all morning about keeping off his Blacker Junior and telling him he is a bad dog. It is really really funny.

I guess I have all week to obsess about what will happen while I am gone. I hope that Pop Pop can come over and help out a little. It would be really nice to know that he is here for a little while to keep Toddler calm, but with the employees at the store dropping like turds I am not sure how that will all work out. I think I need a martini and some Xanax.....mixed together.

Melasnorin

The pediatrician told me to get Toddler some Melatonin to help Toddler sleep. He also warned me that it could take some time to get the "recipe" right, and that it could also take some time for him to get used to it and it would be a while before he fell asleep and slept through the night.

Ha ha ha.

Within 20 minutes of giving Toddler the melatonin he is sound asleep and snoring. He doesn't wake up for 9 straight hours. It my friends is a Christmas miracle. (Just a few weeks late.) Plus he is sleeping in his own bed that whole time so we are sleeping so everyone is happy!!

I do sort of feel bad about how quickly he falls asleep. But I followed the instructions for his weight and age to a T and even gave him less than they recommended. But I think that it is better than the alternative of having to use some sort of sedative of him long term. (Or Ritalin or other DRUG.)

Now the trick is to give him the melatonin a little later than 7, probably like 8:30, so he isn't up at like 5am jumping on our bed screaming for donuts or other stuff. Because that is super wrong...getting up before the sun is up is WRONG. (Unless you absolutely have to that is.)

So everyone is sleeping and hopefully this will help with the reports of Toddler being a turd at preschool everyday. Plus with him getting a full nights sleep it may help with the tantrums during the day and his attention span. All things that we have been desperately trying to work on. We will see.

In the meantime if you hear a lot of loud snoring that sounds like chainsaws cutting down the rainforest's. Its just us....sound asleep and dreaming of Tom Selleck.

Sick Day

Toddler has a full blown cold. Fever, cough and snot pouring out of his nose like Niagara Falls. So we decided to keep him home from school today. (He hasn't noticed or protested, which means either he forgot about school, or is so sick he doesn't care.)

He also fell asleep at 6:30 last night.

I am not sure if the melatonin did the trick or if he really was that tired. But he was only awake at 2:30 because of his cough, which meant some more meds and another drop of the orange flavored melatonin. He was up for the day at 7, which is about his usual wake up time. So if it is the Melatonin that made him sleep that long - THANK GOD. If it even helped a tiny bit THANK GOD. Hopefully now his cold will clear up quickly though, because there is nothing worse than rolling over on your pillow into someone else's snot.

We did go searching for a big boy bed yesterday. (He wants a loft bed with a slide and a tent.) We couldn't find one at IKEA or any of the other store's we tried. We have searched a little on the Internet, but I hate Internet searching with Hubby....he likes to play the WII and "help" me...which really isn't helping. Because Super Mario Galaxy is LIFE AND DEATH and if you get in the way it is okay to scream at you like you have murdered someone, no matter if you are 3 or a dog, or 31. So there has been a lot of crying and whimpering around here. (I really hate that WII.)

Anyway today is my day. I am off to get some spa time....and maybe sneak in some shopping too. Not that I need anything....you know just shopping somewhere other than Alberston's or Target is like Heaven.

I Hate Asperger's

Today has been the most trying day with Toddler's Asperger's that I can recall. We made a trip to the pediatrician - because we still have a 3 month wait to see THE DOCTOR we want to see, and a 5 month wait to see the neurologist we were referred to - to see why we aren't pooping in the toilet, why we sleep like we take street drugs, and why we are so damn combative all the time.

None of his answers were what I wanted to hear.

Apparently Asperger's makes you not sleep....or get by on very little. You are also not cued into any of the socially acceptable behaviors, so you have no problem being combative over whether or not you are being served McDonald's BBQ sauce or something less quality. And for whatever reason you don't like women - which probably is why that whole refrigerator mother bullshit was so prominent for so long - and feel fine being an ass to them.

All of this has me drinking a glass of wine at 3 in the afternoon.

I might just be as bad as Amy Winehouse. (But with a cute pixie haircut)

Or maybe I need a vacation.

Or maybe I should go to work, find a full time program for Toddler and do nothing but work in the public sector so that he can get the intense therapy that he needs for more that 4 hours a day, 4 days a week.

I don't have the answer. But I do know that the doctor suggested melatonin...so there will be shots all around for everyone!! That is all I do know.

18 Things I Can Do Before 10am With A Toddler

So it is now 10 after 10, we have: showered, dressed, eaten breakfast, gotten Toddler off to school, Hubby off to work, 2 loads of laundry done, fixed the ROTTEN IPod, tanned, listed items on ETSY, made doctor appointments, downloaded photos from the week and made a couple of overdue phone calls, replied to a stack of emails, and paid some bills.

Hubby however, is at work with 2 employees and 3 who are now 45 minutes late and haven't called. He is PISSED. And he NEVER gets PISSED. (Except when I get drunk beyond recognition and spit on the carpet. And I haven't done that since before Toddler so we're good.) I don't know if it is the fact that we are a house full of over achievers - Hubby is a Virgo, I am a Capricorn and Toddler is a Taurus. Or that we just have our shit together and expect everyone else to as well. The nature of this business sucks ass. And good employees are hard to find. My momma bear wants to go down and spank all of them for acting like pansies and put them in time out.

So are we being too hard on these adults? (They are all over 24 years old. Yet total LOSERS.) Or because they work jobs that they make $12 an hour at should we be more lenient with them? I say HELL no. Hubby says HELL NO. Father in law (Who owns about 60% of the say here says "Don't be so hard on them.") Hello?!? If we were any easier on them it would be a goddamn free for all!!

Maybe that is what turns the old fart on....when it is one goddamn free for all chaotic mess. He is a Scorpio after all. And Capricorns do not fare well with the Scorpios. Not to mention that he and I are both Dragons in Chinese astrology, he a water and I a fire....definitely not a good mix for business or pleasure.

Rotten Apples

My I Pod is broken. That shiny silver one that I just got for my birthday. It is stuck in sleep mode and on pause and will not respond to ANYTHING that the techies tell it to. The computer won't even recognize the stupid thing so that I can upload some new music to it. I am so mad I could spit.

I knew there was a reason I hated apples.

So now I have no toys to play with and a mess de jour to clean in Toddler's room....except he has decided that it is nap time, so that is shot to hell. (I guess at least now we know what he is doing in there until 3 am.) And now the house is shaking from the wind and the rain and I am sure that Toddler will wake up screaming at some point thinking that it is a tornado...you know because Hubby thought letting him watch TWISTER after the one that touched down in Vancouver was a good idea.

Here's the thing, you don't show anything scary or remotely traumatic to a Toddler, or an autistic person, because the dwell on it. And they can't let it go, and it is all you talk about for days and days and days. And it makes me mad and Hubby for doing it and then scared for Toddler because he still doesn't understand that it is PRETEND. ARRRRGGGH.....where is my pirate patch and hook when I need it?

Well I guess I am off to see where the hell the rotten apple has to go to get fixed. Then see if I can just get a new one rather than fuck with having this one repaired. Hopefully Hubby can handle that tomorrow. I have a Yoga class and a meeting while Toddler is at school that I will not miss. And he owes me big time over the TWISTER thing, and because he is the one who gave me the rotten apple in the first place.

I Just Want To Go To Rehab....Oh, Oh, Oh....

How do you get a Toddler to sleep when it isn't in his nature?

How do you get a Toddler to do anything when he just doesn't want to and screams bloody fucking murder anytime you mention it?

This has been one of those weeks where I have been just this close to screaming "I WANT TO GO TO REHAB!!!" and checking in to the nearest psychiatric ward for a little break. Time off with some huge doses of lithium, and other anti-psychotics sound about damn good now and certainly take the edge off a lot better than booze.

Toddler did let us cut his hair. He does have a few little wisps that need to be touched up, but who really is going to tell me that he has a crappy haircut, other than Hubby - who has spent the better part of the last three days Running With Scissors trying to get the cut perfect - but I will have you know that I am the one with a problem.

Then we had a 5 hour drive together to deliver a boat for a customer. After school. With a very contrary and tired Toddler. And no medicine or booze for mommy. Mommy went to bed at 8:30 that night because she was done. Tired and quite frankly my ass was sore from sitting for so long listening to Toddler and Hubby whine. 8:30 I have decided is a good bedtime for me. I haven't slept that good in a long time.

Today was a trip to the grocery store for milk and to stock up on my favorite no dairy frozen treats. (We have pinpointed that my migraines are milk related so I have replaced almost all milk for rice milk or soy milk.) Toddler wanted me to get him some of my deliciously expensive soy treats too and let the whole goddamn store know about it. He also screamed bloody murder when we didn't stop at the Starbucks kiosk - I could only drink an Americano, and at 1pm I wouldn't sleep until next Tuesday - then we got home and he screamed just because it has been one of those days.

So he will scream. (Although right now he is silent in his room with Dino, so maybe he fell asleep.) And I will drink some water and then hit the decaf and Bailey's, to make it through this day of screaming rabid fighting over everything. (Even if you give in he gets mad and takes the other side....so frustrating.) Thank God I leave in a little over a week for California for a few days. Maybe then he will be good for a few weeks when I get back.

Maybe California can be my rehab.

The Toilet. Public Enemy Number One.

For those of you who regularly read my other blog you know we have had MAJOR potty training issues here. Especially when it comes down to poop. It is like the universe is trying to kill me with poop or something. (As if wrestling my Toddler like an alligator for diaper changes wasn't trying enough lets throw in some Autism and REFUSAL to use the toilet for good measure.)

We spent most of the day yesterday talking about it, bartering with him. I even offered to buy him a Pug puppy to go with the two OLD Pugs that we have. He refused. Saying "He Can't Like It" "He doesn't want too" Etc. Etc. It is enough for me to go to bed at 8:30 last night!!

I am not sure when this will ever happen. And that whole "No One Ever Goes To College In a Diaper" thing is a load of shit!! What about those kids that are special needs? What about those kids that have Chron's disease or colitis? I mean there is a reason that they make a large variety of sizes of ADULT DIAPERS.

While we aren't there yet. I am ready to hurt myself over this situation. Everyone else I know is using the potty like normal, and here we are sitting in piles of shit for hours happily. More angry when we take it away and put it in the toilet and flush it or throw it in the garbage.

This may be a battle that I cannot win. Which is sad. Because I had really high hopes that he could travel this year to Florida and partake in that camp like festivities that Yamaha offers the kiddies during the day. Oh, well. He can stay home with Crazy Aunt Ethel and crap his pants and I can stay tanked up on gin and not think about it for a week or two.

Out Of The Mouths Of Babes

Last night when I could not stand another episode of Sponge Bob Squarepants I changed the station to Entertainment Tonight. (Don't get me wrong, I love me some Sponge Bob....but he was getting on my last nerve last night.)

So Toddler and I are watching and getting our gossip fix on, he even told me "Don't tell Daddy. It's our secret." (Which came from birthday shopping.) Like a glutton I watched as the stalkeratzzi gave me glimpses of all the celebutards I love to make fun of, and all of the upcoming movie I can't wait to see.

Then they hauled out the half of the show that features the vomitorium of "Where Brittany Spears took a dump today." and I had to change the channel. As I did something horrible happened. Toddler uttered the words I thought he didn't even know, that I hoped he would never even say, "Momma STOP!! I Love Brittany Spears."

After suffering a mild stroke, I was able to upright myself and turn off the television for the rest of the night. We only watched a little of Martha Stewart before he headded off to bed.

Hubby and I settled in with the movie Shoot Em Up with Clive Owen and Paul Giamitti. Man was that a good fix for the earlier stroke. Blood, guns, sex, Clive's accent...but be warned it is not for the faint of heart. You have to like that kind of stuff to enjoy that movie, otherwise you will be totally grossed out.

But not nearly as grossed out as when your almost 4 year old tells you he loves the train wreck known as Brittany Spears.

Toddler Tantrums

Toddler went to preschool today. Lesson one: 7:30 is way too early to get up and get ready. Lesson two: feed him LOTS of protein before sending to school or you will end up with the mess we got.

He has started this new gross trend of cereal mixing. (I think it is nasty but as long as he eats it, it doesn't matter.) Today it was LIFE and Mickey Mouse cereal, he ate like 2 -6 bites and was off to cram 400 pull ups in his back pack. I didn't think much of it because he would have a snack at school and be fine. HA HA, I was wrong.

Toddler apparently had a meltdown over not sitting at the green spot at snack time, then screamed because he couldn't bring his art project home because the glue had to dry. He also screamed because he didn't want to do the gluing he wanted the teacher to do it for him. Then when I picked him up he didn't want me he wanted Daddy, and before we got to the car he was screaming hysterically for McDonald's.

He screamed the whole drive home. He told me he hated me and didn't love me. I had to pull his 40 pound 42 inch tall ass out of the car and drag him into the house.

He then saw the loaf of french bread that I bought for dinner and wanted some. So I gave him a piece. He also ate a whole package of macaroni and cheese, a cheese hot dog, milk and some goldfish crackers for good measure. He wanted to eat more, but he needed a nap. So I was again the mean mom and made him lay down. After a little fight he slept for 2 hours.

So apparently he needs to eat 12 tons of food before he goes to school. Daddy cannot drop him off unless he is going to pick him up. And I am going to need to get a job that gives a huge discount on groceries soon. Because at the rate that he is eating we are going to be out of the $125 worth of food I bought today!!

Whatever his deal was, it was enough to make me forget how pissed I was about soy ice cream costing $6 a carton (for less than a pint) and about how grossed out Wolfgang Puck looks on his "organic" soup containers. (And man was I going good about that stuff. I will have to save it for another day I guess.) Although I did get to grocery shop alone and in peace this morning. And that alone was worth the bitchy car ride home from preschool.

Jealousy

I admit I am jealous most days that Hubby gets to leave and go to work with GROWN UP people. But today I think that he have more patience than I, and that he in fact works with a bunch of fourth graders. A torture worse than what any three and a half year old could sling my way.

These so called "adults" are a piece of work.

They show up late for the following reasons: (in no particular order)
- couldn't find their beanie, boyfriend turned the alarm off without making sure she was up, too drunk to drive to work (the store opens at 10 am), didn't have clean pants to wear, didn't have gas money, oh, and my favorite her morning sickness was so bad that she slept until noon thirty.

When they are at work they are looking for every excuse to go home. Like today my mechanic was whining that he wanted to go home because there was nothing to do. Um, there are at least 50 things I know of that need to get done around there....get to one of them so that the next time you get paid you aren't whining about how small your paycheck is. And he is so slow I think that molasses that is frozen moves faster.

So in conclusion to my tirade today I am not jealous of Hubby. I couldn't handle that drama and crap on a daily basis without firing them all. (I didn't even get into the who's screwing who this week crap) I will just be happy at home with the "YOU DON'T LOVE ME" "I HATE YOU" and "I WANT A DIRTY PULL UP!!" screams. At least those are containable and he busts out with some seriously funny shit sometimes.

Like today when he asked me if his poop looked like a certain train engine. All it looked like was a dried out dead Mr. Hanky to me!!

Dinner for...?

5:00 pm Sunday

Tonight we are supposed to go out for my birthday dinner. Just Hubby and I. As I am putting on my makeup and getting ready, Toddler starts screaming bloody murder.

"What's wrong?" I asked calmly, very concerned he had impaled himself with a dull object.

"You CAN'T GO WITH DADDY!!" He screamed.

"Oh, I am not going with Daddy!! I am just getting fancy for when he comes home!!"

"Oh. Phew!" He wiped his brow of invisible sweat and went back to watching cartoons and eating peanut butter out of his jar.

I think this may be one hell of a fight before we get to the restaurant. I may owe my Father In Law a lot of beer for watching him tonight.

10:05 pm Sunday

Well, it turned out to be dinner for two at the local fondue restaurant. It was fantastic. But now I really feel like I could throw up....eating four courses of anything, let alone fondue should be against the law.

Toddler did great with my father in law. No tantrums or screaming. They looked at trains on You Tube, and did other guy stuff. (Like - and this is a quote here - drink water out of a coffee cup.) How he is not exhausted now is BEYOND me.

All in all it ended up being great. Dinner with Hubby and no major tantrums from anyone. How on earth that happened is beyond me!!

A Little Product Placement Never Hurt

Okay, so I was whining about the 3,000,000 pound tea pot I got for my chrismabirthday gift. That was until it gave me the opportunity to order tea from one of my favorite companies Mighty Leaf Tea. (http://www.mightyleaf.com/)

I ordered the Largest bag of the loose leaf black tea vanilla http://www.mightyleaf.com/Product.aspx?ID=116&CategoryID=55. Which is like a wonderful mouth full of bliss. Not sweet, but just a hint of sweetness wisps over your lips and tongue like a sweet lover's kiss. I covet this stuff, because it is really hard to get in stores here. I can find the bags (which are silk, and hand stitched in clear cellulose biodegradable bags) at a store in Seattle but that is a drive so when I am there I stock up for the times I am on the move.

I also picked up a bottle of their latest concoction, AperiTea http://www.mightyleaf.com/Product.aspx?ID=1066. I went for the Chamomile Citrus Berry, because it was wonderful sounding. It made a mighty fine martini, and an incredibly nice mimosa like drink this morning - you know strictly for research purposes - not too sweet and a perfect marriage of tea and juice. You could even use it with just tonic water or sparkling water for a great after work pick me up. (But you know EVERYTHING is better with alcohol....so I say ALCOHOL.) They have Green Tea Tropical, and Orange Jasmine Mango as well

They also have a green tea that is called Hojicha. (http://www.mightyleaf.com/Product.aspx?ID=74&CategoryID=51) The website describes it the best as "Hojicha is made of Japanese bancha tea, a mixture of pan-fired and slow roasted green tea leaves that yield a rich, nutty brew. Escape and find your retreat overlooking a glistening Lake Motosuko in the Japanese Alps with this green tea. Within the green tea category, Hojicha contains lower levels of caffeine." I was surprised by how much I LOVED this tea. I have even had it a couple of mornings in place of my latte. (Which is a BIG DEAL around here.) It is nutty and warm and lovely. There is a smokey flavor, which I think helps with the fact that makes it taste a little more like coffee. It really is incredible tea.

They are a bit more expensive than most of your store brand teas. But the quality and flavors are WORTH it. (And man do they have EXTENSIVE FLAVORS and VARITIES!!) Their customer service is the best around, and they have everything you could need to make the perfect cup of tea. Both bags of loose tea are resealable and came with measuring spoons - which is nice, because you are sure to measure by the company's standards. This is one company that I will order from again and again. I will send gifts to people from them, and pretty much use any damn excuse I can find to order as much MIGHTY LEAF tea as I can.

Now if I can just kick that coffee habit, I would be set to get even more of the tea!!

School Day Number 2

Day two went great. Except for the fact that I seem to be inebriated, and haven't had a drink since New Years. Making flight and hotel reservations for our trip at the end of the month was well interesting....but at least both agents too were affected and we all got a good laugh for the day.

More artwork is hanging on the pantry doors. He is also telling us parts of stories that they read at school, and what they do. It isn't in straight "this is what we did today" but bits and pieces are a good start for anyone!! And he likes it, and doesn't cry when we leave. Both good things. We will see how it goes for me on Tuesday when I have to drop him off alone for the first time.

I am feeling better. Off the milk entirely, and on what has been deemed by the majority of the family as cruel and wrong, Rice Milk. Not too bad, and has cleared up a lot of issues I was having. Even the headache ones!! WOW.

So here's to hoping we have a good weekend, and that I get to wear my party dress SOMEWHERE....it is still hanging in the closet waiting to go somewhere fancy...and I will so cry if that ends up being preschool drop off and the grocery store next week.

Have a good weekend, and if anything good happens here I will let you know.

First Day Of Preschool...

Toddler started school today. He screamed a bit about going to bed, and I never went to sleep because I was so anxious about him being at school. But the day came and went and he had a great time.

Here is us dropping him off in the car. (Yes, I only got shots of the boys....so sue me.) He was THRILLED TO BE THERE and shooed us out the door.










Pick up was fine. He had made two beautiful art projects all by himself....which he is now screaming about where they should be placed on the kitchen walls. Screw that I will put them where I want them!!

Our big mistake was then running to Home Depot to get a part to fix the shower, which resulted in an attempted candy theft. Then a meltdown of Kilauea proportions because he wanted a HOME DEPOT HOT DOG. Once he calmed down he got the freaking hot dog, and this is how daddy and I feel about the day so far.

Daddy = Thumbs Up
Me = Thumbs down, but I only think that is from 3 hours of sleep last night, and no alcohol of caffeine today. I should probably start tanking up on both of those right now!!

That's Not Safe

I was discussing Toddler's many feats of fancy today with my mom on the telephone when the topic of toast came up. (Toddler is obsessed with toast and eats it about forty times a day.) I was telling her how he will just push his stool up to the counter, and pop the bread in and push the button down and then screams for the butter.

She got all silent and said...."Okay."

"What do you mean Okay?" I darted back huffily.

"That's just not, safe."She said.

"Putting bread in the toaster and pushing down the button isn't safe for a 3 1/2 year old to do with supervision, but you want him to shit in the toilet all by himself?"

She paused and thought about it....

"Well he should be using the potty by now." (Yes, and I am sure if we didn't have that whole HIGH FUNCTIONING AUTISM thing to deal with we would also be in preschool with regular kids, and we would eat something other than peanut butter sandwiches.)

"And I should be nicer, and calmer and not drink so much and you let me make toast by myself. In fact I think we got three at our wedding."

I wouldn't be so chapped about it, but it isn't like he is making sushi with ginsu knives unsupervised. Nor is he barbequing steaks on the grill with his very own tools and apron. He is simply starting the toaster.

I mean hell, I am ten times his age and have had to be nearly hospitalized for improperly starting the grill and had stitches for jamming the kitchen shears in my hand. I think that he is far better off operating the toaster than I am.

So what thing does your Toddler do around the house that has been deemed "NOT SAFE" by someone else? Something that makes you smack your head and say what the hell, it's only TOAST!!! Tell me your best story and we'll see if we can tell Nana what is and isn't safe....especially if it involves ginsu knives, the clapper or a ronco roaster!!