Saturday, August 23, 2008

Advisement To The Golden Arches

Dear Ronald McDonald, 

I am a mother of one child who is four, and since I only have one child I know this letter may not carry much weight with you, but I thought that since I have heard similar cries while in your fine establishment that I would sent you a letter of advisement on how to improve your meals. 

First, please stop having a standee display of your kids meal toys anywhere in the lobby. This only distracts toddlers from the goal of eating. Also in many cases results in a MAJOR MELTDOWN when the toy of their heart's desire is not attained. (Either out of stock, not the week, whatever.) I understand that toy rotation has to occur, a child under the age of 18 however does not, and will not stop screaming until Momma's eardrums have ruptured and your spleen has exploded.

Second, please stop putting numbers on the boxes of your chicken like things. My child is freaked out by numbers and can read. The numbers he is freaked out vary from day to day, so any number is HIGHLY offensive. While making a 4 hour car trip often times your fine establishment is the only form of sustenance on the highway, and when faced with the number 4 or 6 on a box, my child can easily melt into a 3 hour dissertation on why said number is offensive. This will immediately cause me to want to drive off of the highway and impale myself with a fork or butter knife. If you don't know this feeling please feel free to let me know and I will send you a video of his tirade so you can share in the joy that it brings.

Third, I know that it is hard to put those little packages in a box so that the french fries do not fall out into the bottom of the box, but possibly if you could put them into a non numbered close able container similar to the one that your chicken like things come in. Fries on the bottom of the box are on offense so horrific I cannot mention the consequences one must face if they present my child with them. 

Finally, for us Momma's could you PLEASE make your lovely iced coffee's non fat? Could you also maybe add a shot of Valium or something to them so that when we do enter your fine dining establishment and have to endure your play palace of hell that we can tolerate the screaming and spitting and pants shitting for more than 23 seconds? I know that I personally would pay DOUBLE or even TRIPLE for this little luxury. I am sure that many of my beloved mom friends would do the same. 

Thank you so much Mr. McDonald for all of your hard work keeping my child a raving homicidal lunatic these past couple of years. I am quite certain that without your INGENIOUS advertising campaigns on Nickelodeon, Disney, Sprout, and the various other channels that he watches that he wouldn't want the food as often as he does, screaming bloody murder every time we leave the house that he is STARVING for your food. (Regardless of the fact that he just ate 43 pancakes, a pound of bacon, and a gallon of non fat milk.) Thanks too for taking these small suggestions into consideration, I know that with these few changes you can increase your business 10 fold in a matter of a few short weeks!

Sincerely, 
Mrs. Faith Tantrum

7 comments:

AMomTwoBoys said...

Bravo!

But I'm so in love with those stupid Iced Coffee's that I'll continue to buy them regardless of the fat content. But we utilize the drive thru, so we miss out on the play palace of hell. Darnit.

Givinya De Elba said...

Oh don't you just feel like smacking Ronald McDonald around a bit? I love the comment above: "The Play Palace of Hell." Heh!

Laurie of the Seven Stories said...

Funny, but if I may suggest, really the only change needed is the coffee with valium. If they do this, nothing else will matter. And I will definitely be willing to go any time.

*Becky* said...

Where do I sign.... where do I sign.....

They have one, count it.. ONE sugar free iced coffee... WTF? Sugar free? SUGAR I can burn easy, spend a day with J. I need fat free too!

Feener said...

why just the other night i had to witness the complete meltdown of my daugther b/c she didn't get the toy she wanted from the display box. they freaking hang around the display box drooling...it creeps me out. get rid of it.

Mama Kalila said...

Well put... You just made me glad we don't go there :-j

Crazy Sister said...

It seemed bad at the time, but now when I think of Harpo pooping inside the play palace of hell I smile a little... take that, Ronald.