Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Mother Nature and The Internet

Dear Mother Nature,

I know that times have been tough for you the last few years, what with the hole in your ozone, and this "global warming" thing that Al Gore keeps complaining about, but I think that I finally have figured out what really has been bugging you.

You are going through menopause.

I know, I know, not something nice to say to a woman, but I am a woman and I understand these things. I have seen the signs, first the hot flashes that last for weeks at a time in the middle of winter, then the sudden cold fronts of sleet and snow that come in the spring, then more hot flashes. It is enough to make a girl crazy, I know, us girls get it. It has been a hard change for you to go through, and to have to do it all alone, and with that pesky Al Gore all up in your face all the time. It would be enough for me to call up someone and take him down with a lightening bolt or something - if I was that kind of vengeful girl.

I just want you to know that we are here for you, all of us ladies, and we understand. Sometimes soy works wonders to help with the hot flashes and make things more tolerable, and I also have central air, so if you get too hot, just come knock on the door and sit a spell until it all passes. I have plenty of coffee and iced tea if you need some.

Love, Mrs. Tantrum

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Dear Internet,

I know you were invented by Al Gore. I know that has to suck more than anything that has ever sucked before. I mean he hates Mommy Bloggers, and cars and water bottles, and fish and well he hates everything except for himself. I am sorry that he is so mean to you.

What I don't get is why you have been acting up lately. First you take out my beloved Twitter, and then all of the Blogger's start talking about how they are having troubles with their servers and such...it makes a girl a little leery. I thought maybe it was just my machine, that it had caught a virus or a cold...something like that. I checked though and it is fine.

I realized that you must be the one who is having trouble, I also realized that you are always having trouble about the same time every month. Did you get your period? Did you not tell your daddy Al because you were afraid he wouldn't let you have some vicodin and tampons? You can tell me. I will make sure you have whatever your little heart desires, just so long as you promise to stop holding all of my technology hostage. You can even have a can of Aqua Net if you want. I bet I can still find some on EBay with CFC'S in it if you like.

So sweetie, whatever it is you can tell Momma. I will get it for you, and then you can stop all of this nonsense of slowing down and being crabby. Definitely some chocolate will help you out with that. I will get you the Bacon kind...it is the best for these kind of things.

Love, Momma

3 comments:

Sarah said...

So, I guess you're a big Al Gore fan?

I love it. The thought of Mother Nature with menopause is so clever.

mommastantrum said...

I used to love Al Gore, I mean his butt was part of the reason that I voted for Clinton when I was a Democrat.

But all of his whining and complaining about undocumented stuff really annoys me. That and his whole getting the Nobel Peace Prize over a lady who really SAVED lives during a WAR and withstood torture...that kind of capped it off for me.

I hope you all won't hold that against me...I am still witty and pretty and pretty.

insane mama said...

Al Gores butt and menopause in the same sentence, did I read that right? Sheesh, need more coffee