Friday, May 9, 2008

Handy Tips For You

Here are some tips to help you get through those tough times. I have found lately that they are particularly useful.

1) If you go to the doctor and find out that your underwear (which you have had on since 7am) are on inside out, go home immediately. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. It is an imminent sign of doom.

2) The note that came home from preschool earlier in the week that said something like "Check the back pack or DIE" was a pretty card that read "to my favorite lady" "from" (both which the retarded teacher wrote) and signed by your child. Also enclosed was a Ziploc bag with some dirt, and something that I think was supposed to be flowers. Note to teacher: Ziplocs kill flowers backpacks don't.

3) Costco sucks donkey balls. Also with the ban on rice purchases all of the people in Costco are now buying eleventy bazillion eggs. (Hey dude, eggs go bad. FAST. Also, you smell like B.O. Speed Stick is on isle 11.)

4) If your spouse says I will be back in an hour what they are really saying is "I will be back sometime in the next millennium. Then I will take 18 hours to spread poop on our lawn. Then we can run the errands that need to get done with your raging migraine and inside out underpants, and screaming homicidal 4 year old."

5) Today was a shitty day. I am going to bed now at 8pm. With my inside out underwear on. I hope that by doing so it will reverse my bad fortune and turn tomorrow into a fantastariffic day. I predict I will win the lottery, Hillary Clinton will FINALLY explode, world hunger will be solved, cancer will be cured with brown sugar, and my boobs no longer think that it is 2004.

Now go check your underpants.

3 comments:

Ann(ie) said...

YOU are hysterical!!! I cannot wait to meet you in person! I'm going commando (I know, I KNOW! way TMI)but, I appreciate the heads up about the underpants nonetheless. I should have gone to bed at 8. It's 11:02 and I'm halfway through my blog list. neat.

Happy Happy MOther's Day my friend.

Brittany said...

I understand the feeling. While my underwear was not inside out, I did go to sleep at 8:30. So we're kind of the same there.

A new reader to your blog and I'm loving it!

Sarah said...

2004 was the last good boob year for me...