Thursday, May 29, 2008

Don't Try This At Home

There are a few things that a woman should not attempt when she is due for a visit from her friend the Red Haired Troll in 7 days. That list is this:

1) Do not have your ever so hot hairdresser cut your hair really short so you won't have to go back for 8 weeks. You will feel the need to wear a hat or a wig or a hat/wig at all times to cover up the atrocity on your head.

2) Do not attempt to diet during this time. Rather do not attempt to start a diet during this time. Cravings and crazy assed thoughts will drive you to eat off your left arm, the leg to the coffee table and maybe a box of dog treats.

3) Do not have crazed amounts of "sex" with your husband while your child is sleeping. This will result in a UTI. A UTI hurts like hell. You will then have to take the over the counter medicine that makes your pee orange and your child freak out.

4) Do not attempt anything at all ever during this time. It is best that you sit on your ass, eat bon bons, and watch TV. That way if anything goes wrong you will be firmly seated on the couch and will not pass out and hit your head on the damn Thomas The Tank Engine Train Table and attempt to throw it out the window.

8 comments:

Ramblin' Red said...

Yeah...

The flip side of #1 - don't ignore the very overdue haircut when anticipating the Red Haired Troll (which btw, is not me, contrary to popular belief these days!) because your normally cute, rockstar hair will just look frumpy the whole damned week.

Brittany said...

I just got over a UTI and frankly I found the orange pee kind of amusing. That is until I peed on the bed (that's another story....).

Brittany said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Schmutzie said...

You're being featured on Five Star Friday:
http://tinyurl.com/4w2evh

Givinya De Elba said...

Well, just so long as you're more prepared than I was!! You know: http://friendlyblackandwhitedog.blogspot.com/2008/05/caught-short.html

(Hey if it was you who dropped Schmutzie a line, thanks so much! What a buzz to come home from work and find I'm on FSF again!!!)

*Becky* said...

bahhhhhhhhhh HAHAHAH HAHAHAHHAHA. I laughing with you, not at you! You are laughing right? RIGHT? Shit! *running for the hills*

Wine, in a plastic cup = Mommy juice! It must be craptastic Friday. I have a headache and I shouldn't. I am having a hormone swing getting RID of that redhaired troll bitch.

One more thing Lost was OMG!

Sarah said...

I feel your pain. WOuld you believe that I am actually considering a 3rd child so that I can get another 2 year break from her company?

musing said...

Oh, man, UTI's suck. Try 1/2 tsp of baking soda in a glass of water twice a day. It always helped me.