There are a few things that a woman should not attempt when she is due for a visit from her friend the Red Haired Troll in 7 days. That list is this:
1) Do not have your ever so hot hairdresser cut your hair really short so you won't have to go back for 8 weeks. You will feel the need to wear a hat or a wig or a hat/wig at all times to cover up the atrocity on your head.
2) Do not attempt to diet during this time. Rather do not attempt to start a diet during this time. Cravings and crazy assed thoughts will drive you to eat off your left arm, the leg to the coffee table and maybe a box of dog treats.
3) Do not have crazed amounts of "sex" with your husband while your child is sleeping. This will result in a UTI. A UTI hurts like hell. You will then have to take the over the counter medicine that makes your pee orange and your child freak out.
4) Do not attempt anything at all ever during this time. It is best that you sit on your ass, eat bon bons, and watch TV. That way if anything goes wrong you will be firmly seated on the couch and will not pass out and hit your head on the damn Thomas The Tank Engine Train Table and attempt to throw it out the window.