I have an unexplainable crack in the top of my butt crack. It hurts like hell and of course, it is bleeding and oozing into my inside out underpants.
How did this happen you ask?
I have no fucking clue.
Honestly, I woke up yesterday and my butt crack burned. I attempted various yoga like poses to get a peek in the GIANT bathroom mirror with no luck, so I waited for Hubby to get home. When he did, he used his handy flashlight to look, and then help me look. It was indeed like someone had taken a piece of construction paper and ran it as deeply down my crack as they could have.
I panicked. I mean, how the hell do you get a cut like that in your crack? It's not like Hubby and I have much sex, with Bacon still sleeping between us it kind of puts a damper on the Amour that most couples are able to enjoy. It isn't like I work out, or do freaky acrobatic stunts. The most exercise I have been getting these days is running to the bathroom to crap my brains out from the antibiotics for my tooth.
Of course I made the mistake of looking up my symptoms on the horrible WebMd. (This site should be banned to everyone in the free world. Even people who don't suffer from hypochondria, because looking up a stuffed nose could give you something like a brain hemorrhage.) So I started looking, Herpes, anal fissures, torn hemorrhoids, Herpes. Holy Hell, I have herpes.
I started freaking out. I just knew it was from the one time I peed while sitting on the paper toilet seat cover at Target right after the cleaning lady came out. (I am a hoverer not a sitter, but I just couldn't hover this day.) I was certain I was going to DIE.
Then I remembered how my mom said to NEVER LOOK AT WEBMD. So I used Google to look up crack in my butt crack. Guess what? I DON'T HAVE HERPES!! You can get a crack in your butt crack from it being too wet for a long time. And on Thursday it was like 100 degrees and I spent the day sitting in a TRUCK in jeans....with a sweaty butt crack. Which is the reason I have a crack in my butt crack.
So, next time there is something wrong with you or someone you love, Google it. Don't use WebMd, it will scare the ever living shit out of you. Seriously every damn time. You could have a sliver, enter your symptoms and it would come back with fungal mad cow disease. Just don't do it.
Also in these hot spring and summer months, while you are powdering baby's bottom don't forget yours lest you too suffer from the painful crack in the butt crack.