Sunday, May 18, 2008

Another Case of TMI: The Crack In My Butt Crack

I have an unexplainable crack in the top of my butt crack. It hurts like hell and of course, it is bleeding and oozing into my inside out underpants.

How did this happen you ask?

I have no fucking clue.

Honestly, I woke up yesterday and my butt crack burned. I attempted various yoga like poses to get a peek in the GIANT bathroom mirror with no luck, so I waited for Hubby to get home. When he did, he used his handy flashlight to look, and then help me look. It was indeed like someone had taken a piece of construction paper and ran it as deeply down my crack as they could have.

I panicked. I mean, how the hell do you get a cut like that in your crack? It's not like Hubby and I have much sex, with Bacon still sleeping between us it kind of puts a damper on the Amour that most couples are able to enjoy. It isn't like I work out, or do freaky acrobatic stunts. The most exercise I have been getting these days is running to the bathroom to crap my brains out from the antibiotics for my tooth.

Of course I made the mistake of looking up my symptoms on the horrible WebMd. (This site should be banned to everyone in the free world. Even people who don't suffer from hypochondria, because looking up a stuffed nose could give you something like a brain hemorrhage.) So I started looking, Herpes, anal fissures, torn hemorrhoids, Herpes. Holy Hell, I have herpes.

I started freaking out. I just knew it was from the one time I peed while sitting on the paper toilet seat cover at Target right after the cleaning lady came out. (I am a hoverer not a sitter, but I just couldn't hover this day.) I was certain I was going to DIE.

Then I remembered how my mom said to NEVER LOOK AT WEBMD. So I used Google to look up crack in my butt crack. Guess what? I DON'T HAVE HERPES!! You can get a crack in your butt crack from it being too wet for a long time. And on Thursday it was like 100 degrees and I spent the day sitting in a TRUCK in jeans....with a sweaty butt crack. Which is the reason I have a crack in my butt crack.

So, next time there is something wrong with you or someone you love, Google it. Don't use WebMd, it will scare the ever living shit out of you. Seriously every damn time. You could have a sliver, enter your symptoms and it would come back with fungal mad cow disease. Just don't do it.

Also in these hot spring and summer months, while you are powdering baby's bottom don't forget yours lest you too suffer from the painful crack in the butt crack.

5 comments:

Cindy said...

Well.. I can sympathize with you. I suffer from crack o' my butt crack from time to time. For some reason (for me) the skin is very thin back there or something. Unfortunately though, if it happens to me it almost ALWAYS develops into cellulitus. I start running a terrible fever and it gets red and hard and I'm just downright sick! I'm not telling you this to frighten you (like webmd!)... I just want you to watch it and if by some chance... the first sign of infection go to the doctor.

musing said...

You crack me up! Butt glad you found out what it was. (Sorry, I couldn't help myself) :D

Givinya De Elba said...

Holy Cow! That sounds painful and I'm sorry - hope it sorts itself out quickly! What a brave blogger you are :)

I blogged about my recent Weird Pain that had me all stressed - for once I restrained myself from looking anything up online and went to my doctor instead.

I still worried, but it was more of vague "I could be wrong and I'm just being silly" sort of worry rather than the "I must have ___ because I googled my symptoms and I will surely DIE" sort of worries.

A Mom Two Boys said...

Ha! You're too funny. That sounds really uncomfortable.

And you're growing on Guy? Whatev! He should LOVE you!

Welcome to AllMediocre! The gnome looks great!

Cassie said...

Wow! Glad it wasn't herpes! ha. I know exactly what you mean about WebMD though. That symptom checker thing is the devil! When I was about 4 months pregnant I was having pains, so I looked them up on there. By the time I got off of that website, I was convinced that I was having a miscarriage and forced my husband to drive us 30 minutes away to the ER (did I mention it was the day after Christmas?). Yeah, it turned out to just be a UTI. I had never had one before, had no idea they were that painful! I have never been to the ER before, and never that scared either!