Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Mother's Guilt

It is funny how time away from Toddler always makes me long for him more when we get home. How he looks 12 feet taller and seems to talk more and in clearer sentences.

It really is love/hate when we get home. I hate that I have left him. But I love those three days that I had to sleep without feet in my ribs, the day I had in the spa alone and the adult food that we ate every night for dinner.

I guess that is a mother's guilt.

I also got a huge dose of the reality that I may have made the wrong decision in regard to having my tubes tied after Toddler turned one. (Not for me...because that was indeed the 100% right thing to do for my body and soul...but for hubby.)

We sat across the aisle on the flight to CA from a little girl about 9 months old. SHE BEAMED at him the whole time, and he flirted at her like a school girl. And when we were here with my New Nephew he held him for hours grinning like a fool, the same way he did when Toddler was a baby. I feel like somehow I have taken away the chance of having another child from him too soon. Something that I know that he really wants with all of his heart.

It makes me so sad that I don't know what to do for him.

My body physically cannot hold another pregnancy, and emotionally that roller coaster ride is too much for me to take. I am not sure that we can afford adoption just yet either. Maybe I need to sit down and look at some things and make some rearrangements to make it happen.

Who knows, maybe Hubby would be just as happy with a trip to Bora Bora, but somehow my heart doubts it.

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